


Red Opus

by makemedinosore



Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Sequel Trilogy
Genre: Abuse, Blood, Blood and Violence, Control Issues, Emotional/Psychological Abuse, Eventual Sex, Eventual Smut, F/M, Force Bond (Star Wars), Force Sensitivity, Kylo Ren Has Issues, Loss of Virginity, Mental Health Issues, Mind Manipulation, Post-Star Wars: The Force Awakens, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Scars, Slow Burn, Star Wars: The Last Jedi Spoilers, Stockholm Syndrome, The Dark Side of the Force, Torture
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-05-27
Updated: 2021-01-01
Packaged: 2021-03-03 05:02:01
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 17
Words: 85,051
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24379153
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/makemedinosore/pseuds/makemedinosore
Summary: Opus = an artistic work, especially one on a large scale.You had been the right hand of Snoke for years before he came along. Snoke had disregarded you like a child with a new toy. It hurt, but not as much as the pain you had experienced in the past.Now, awakened once more, you are brought to the forefront of the battle, to teach Kylo Ren what it means to be a true warrior of the Sith.
Relationships: Kylo Ren & You, Kylo Ren/Reader
Comments: 54
Kudos: 170





	1. Emergence

**Author's Note:**

> This is my first time, so be gentle. Now the world is on hold I finally have time to write again.  
> I appreciate any comments anyone may have about my work, feel free to message with anything - this fic is me pouring my heart and soul into the unrequited love I have for Adam Driver, with a tiny bit of childhood trauma to add flavour. There are references to progressivly darker topics as the story evolves, so please bare with me. I hate revealing all the readers dirty little secrets right at the beginning, so hang tight and be patient!
> 
> Buckle up, buttercup.

Screaming. That was all you could hear.

Not the kind that you might hear in a movie, where the actors run from whatever terror has been concocted by the director. This screaming was pure. Unrestrained. Raw. You wondered what was happening to the poor creature to have it expel such a wicked noise. 

Pain. So much pain. 

Behind your eyes, in your ears, in your throat. Your skin was aflame, your face stretched like a hide for leather. Every joint in your body was being pulled apart, making obscene popping sounds as balls detached from sockets, and cartilage crunched like sand. Your body levitated a few feet from the ground, limbs lengthening as the joints connecting them split apart. You realised then that the screaming had been coming from you. It was your face that was wet and hot with pain. Your throat so raw that no sound was coming out. And you wondered for the seventh time that morning if there was a higher power punishing you. 

He sat in front of you, a small smile on the side of his face that was not scarred and torn. His hand dropped back down to be placed on his armrest and he spoke. 

“Remember the pain. Pain will lend you strength.”

You gasped aloud, wrenched from the memory and thrown back into the cold of the training room, your body jerking backwards from its cross-legged position on the floor. It was like being plunged into an ice bath. Your face, just now so hot with blood, was now flushed with anger. Teeth clashed together and your body trembled with adrenaline. You opened your eyes wide and raised your hand just in time to block the electric blade which had swung your way. 

The blade froze in mid-air, the red guard wielding it struggling against the power of the force. Your fingers curled, and you slowly stood, eyes burning with anger and determination. With a swift motion, the guard was hurled into a wall, snapping of bones drowning out the sounds of the footsteps as the other guards advanced. You moved into a half-crouched position, one hand behind your back, the other with fingers splayed in front of you. The training room was not as large as your usual, however the cold air mixed with the durasteel on your bare feet meant you could focus more easily, the cold sharpening your senses.

Snoke sat on his make-shift throne at the opposite end of the room, leaning back in his chair to watch you work. The index finger on the hand that had just been drawing you into your own head lingered just in front of his mouth as he slowly nodded. You barely noticed his approval, as you relented against the guards with nothing but your own body as a weapon. You ducked and twisted under electrified knives, jabbing into exposed nerve points and kicking out into weak knees. The guards were fast, but You were faster. A hard punch to the side of the head sent a guard into the path of his companion, who tripped towards you, blade swinging out wildly. You rotated, elbow swinging around to meet his stomach and he folded and dropped like the others. The guards were whittled down to the last few individuals, stepping over the pile of unconscious bodies and charging towards you as a single unit. Blades outstretched; they formed a charging line. You couldn’t possibly defend yourself against all of them at once. You closed your eyes when they reached a few feet away, and for the briefest second, the guards saw victory. Your eyes opened in a flash of yellow, and your arms swung out in front of you as you yelled, force pushing the guards into the walls on the far side of the room. 

As their bodies crumpled to the floor it almost seemed like slow motion. You took a breath to steady yourself, and walked back towards Snoke, crossing your legs, resuming your sitting position in front of the chair. Your hands found the tops of your thighs, and rested palms down. Another breath, and he spoke. 

“Even without your weapon, you prove you are as capable as any force wielder.”

His praise would once have made your heart soar, but alas you felt nothing. Just the calmness of a battle won, the pure rhythm of your shoulders rising and falling. You could as much have just woken up. 

“Child. Come here.”

You rose to your feet, walking towards him, stopping just before the steps up to his chair. He rose from his seat, towering above you in a conscious display of power. You bowed your head slightly in respect and lowered your gaze. A few steps, a rustle of fabric, and pressure under your chin told of Snoke’s finger gently lifting your head. His eyes met yours, staring intently. A slight twitch of his face, and your chin was released. He straightened himself back up, and pursed his mouth, like he was about to say something. He stepped back and lowered himself back into his seat. 

“You are ready.”

“Master?”

“Your eyes speak of the Sith.” He slurred, looking towards the door, finger once again tapping on his bottom lip. “Although you are drawing power from the dark side, I never intended for- “, he stopped abruptly, hand dropping from his mouth.

You suddenly felt an overwhelming pressure in your chest, like being dropped from an elevator. You rose one hand to your chest, making sure your heart was still firmly encased in your ribcage. The pressure rose into your mouth and your eyes locked with Snokes. Your lips parted and you felt Snokes sharp intake of breath. You could feel his vision, his gaze clouding over.

The force was converging, a rare event these days. 

But around what? You aimed the silent question at your master, with no response. You closed your mouth and remembered yourself, straightening your back and waiting patiently for his vision to end. He would inform you of what he had seen, and you would be sent to deal with it, as you had countless times before. After a few frozen moments in time, the fogginess in his eyes cleared. He pierced your eyes with his, the feeling like he was looking straight at your soul, and you felt his sudden hostility. Your eyebrows drew together in confusion as he raised a long-fingered hand to point at you. 

“Do not resist.”

You felt your limbs lock into position as your body gently lifted off the ground. You did as you were instructed, letting your body hang. You knew resisting was futile and would only end up hurting you more. You hung in mid-air and waited. 

Silence.

After a while, you realised he was not letting you go anytime soon. He sat in his chair, unmoving, but pensive. The only explanation you could think of for his reluctance to allow you free movement was that he had seen something in his vision to doubt your loyalty. He was restraining you now whilst he decided the best course of action. Of course he always knew what was best, and you would do as instructed by your master. However, you could only be sure of his intentions by seeing the vision yourself.

You slipped into a quiet meditation, hyper aware of everything happening around you. The footfalls of the guards making their rounds outside the door. The quiet humming of the air moving through the vent systems. Very faint sounds of blasters in the barricaded training room across the ship. The sounds of the first order in its infancy. Your own heartbeat loud in your ears, and quiet breathing. You stirred, your mind probing forwards until it gently touched Snokes, asking quiet permission. 

“Don't make me ask you twice.” he spoke, softly.

“Yes, Master.” You replied, drawing back into your own head. You opened your eyes, and they met once again with Snokes, both faces blank and expressionless.

“You felt it, how could you not. A surge of power.” He rose as he spoke, descending the stairs with silent purpose until he was on the cold durasteel floor of the training room. “It called to me. Another young soul in need of guidance, just like you were once.” He took a few more steps towards you, until he was eye level with your suspended body. He looked over your face, a blank slate. “You are aware of the rule of two, are you not.” You tried to nod your head, remembered your immobility, and settled on a simple “Yes.”

“Then you know I cannot take you with me any further.” He turned to face his chair; large, silk coated back to your face as he took a step away from you. He leant forwards, pushing a square button on the arm of his chair, and regained his upright position, hands folded behind his back. The doors opened, and through your peripheral vision you saw a red blur as the guards entered the room to your left, a grey medical transport trailing behind them.

So, this is how it ends for you. Brought down by the very master who built you up. Paralysed and tortured by the guards you had trained for years. Perhaps he would take pity and kill you straight away. It seemed almost too good to be true. He was replacing you. Another force user had made themselves known, and obviously the opportunity was too good for Snoke to pass up. You were weak, and you cursed yourself for it. You closed your eyes and waited for the pain to begin. 

“You really think so little of me!” Snoke said, turning his head slightly, his voice lifting into mock humour. Your eyes flicked back up to him. “No, Child. I have not wasted my precious time training up one of the most formidable beings in the galaxy, only to throw it away on a whim.” He turned his head away and stalked back up to his chair, seating himself and smiling knowingly down at you. His face suddenly lit up with a sly smile, and he leaned forward to speak; “I will have need for you again.” 

You had heard those words before. You knew what happened to the creatures he spoke those words to. You allowed a flicker of emotion to cross your face, trying to convey your thoughts to Snoke in a way which conveyed your eagerness to serve. “I will be ready, Master. Please accept my apologies.” If this was his bidding, then so be it.  
He nodded, and you fell into unconsciousness. The guards roughly lifted your body from the floor and placed you on a large medical slab. The medical transport hovered off the floor, the guards on each side directing it out of the doors and into the corridor. 

Had you been awake, striding through the ship with your mask and lightsaber to hand, you would have seen troops of military personnel hurrying to get out of your way, stumbling over each other to clear a path. As it was, your limp body was horizontal, blue light circling your figure as the medical transporter shifted you to the med bay. You were unrecognisable in your military grade black training jumpsuit, not to mention you had no weapons or coverings for your face. Only the red guards and Snoke knew your identity, down in the med bay you were just another faceless grunt. The med bay was relatively quiet, the hustle of human doctors checking up on stormtroopers injured in training. The guards pushed the transport through the winding bays to a separate room at the end of the medical hub, away from the human staff and into droid territory. And towards the machine. 

It had been developed at first as a way for Snoke to transport and confine traitors and enemies, similar to the way carbon freezing had been used in the days of the old empire. Snoke had less need in recent years to have enemies brought to him, as it was much more convenient to send you out to deal with whatever unfortunate being had incurred his wrath. It had been redesigned, more advanced and almost perfect. Cryofreezing could preserve a body perfectly in homeostasis, with almost 100% recovery rate. Much more reliable than carbon freezing.

The guards allowed your transport to come to a stop just before the machine. It was smaller than you would imagine it, only just bigger than the cockpit of an AT-ST. The chrome finish hid a vast array of wiring under the panels, allowing for a smooth finish. Fitting, you had thought at the time, that it appears so flawless on the surface. It resembled the top of an R2 unit, domed, with large opening doors at the front, and storage for cryopreservation towards the back. Any person with the right key code could immediately bring an individual pod to the access doors, visually inspecting the frozen being inside to check for vital signs or return them to the world of the living.

A medi-droid approached the guards, who stepped aside to allow it access to the transport. One metal clamp around each limb, one at your neck, and a large one across your middle. Your unconscious body was restrained with binders to prevent movement during the shift. The transport split horizontally in half, the upper plate holding your body shifting vertically and then being magnetically drawn inside the machine. The doors sealed shut and the medical droid peered inside, checking vitals displayed on a data pad whilst moving to the side. It absentmindedly pushed a few blinking buttons and the machine whirred to life. The guards gave the medi-droid a small data chip, around the size of a comm-link. Inserted into the machine then withdrawn and returned to the red guards, the chip contained your code. The guards turned and uniformly left the room, leaving the droid to its work. Inside the machine, the temperature plunged, ice covering the panel which allowed visual access. The machine pulled your body inside of it and away from the blinding lights of the med bay. 

There was nothing but black. Black and cold. Through your strong connection to the force you had felt your surroundings change, but in your unconscious state it had been like seeing the world through closed eyelids, nothing but the changing light levels to indicate movement. As the temperature continued to drop, you felt your lifeforce being forcefully removed from your body. As your last moments faded into nothingness, you heard the screaming again, but faint, like it was underwater. You wondered briefly if it was you.  
_____________________________________________________________________________________________

After Snoke had sent you away, he put a hand to his temple and closed his eyes. This was an unexpected development. He had spent years crafting you into a weapon, and he wasn’t about to give you up. But something new was calling to him. Something that was light and shiny but surrounded by a dull aura. Yes, this creature was strong with the force, but Snoke could see the potential for greatness with the dark side. Had it not been for the name spoken to him through his vision, he could possibly have left the creature alone. The guards returned to the training room, stating the success of the cryopreservation and hidden location of the data chip. He nodded his approval, sent the guards away, and resumed his thoughts. He had his apprentice, his executioner, his loyal servant. But this new creature could prove to be useful for bringing around the end of the war he had seen coming. The war between the resistance and his new order. The name that could make a difference in the carving of his face on history, bringing the end of the Jedi and the dawning of a new era. 

Ben Solo.


	2. Awakening

The first thing you noticed about eternity was how very quickly it seemed to pass. The years spent floating between a state of suspension and awareness had passed in the blink of an eye. Like falling asleep, you mused, only more long term. Your connection with the force allowed you to filter through some occasional moments of conscious thought process, however the state of torpor you currently endured gave you little chance to grasp any tangible meaning from a thought.

The first thing you ever noticed was a change in the brightness behind your eyelids. The dull egg white colour was suddenly replaced by a dark shade of tan, and then another, even darker shade. What was it called again? Oh, black, of course. Like waking up from a long sleep, the awareness hit you like a soft pillow. Then suddenly, pain. Somewhere in the expanse away from your inner mind, your body was in pain. It started in what you assumed was buzzing in your fingertips, slowly spreading over your physical self until you felt pulled to the mortal plain by immense gravity. Your body felt heavy and slow, and then suddenly it was LOUD. VERY LOUD. 

You winced in pain at the sudden onslaught to your senses, and when you were sure you had gained full awareness of your surroundings, you slowly opened one eye. It was far too bright, and your face contorted in pain as you moved. You went to place a hand in front of your face but found your arms unable to move. A deep voice informed you that you had been successfully awoken from cryofreeze. You squinted to look at the medi-droid.

Cryofreeze. Of course. Your memories of your time with Snoke slowly filtered back into place and you became aware of your purpose once again, the visions and memories sliding back into place beside the peaceful vacation spot of your time in cryostasis. The pain in your arm intensified as the medi-droid pinched a small IV into your elbow joint, with the pain in your body lessening to a feeling more akin to pins and needles. You hadn’t noticed the medi-droid before, and now your eyes had become used to the light again you gazed half-heartedly around the room. White walls, grey floor, grey door. Nothing new there. Slightly behind you to the right was a window looking over the stars. You craned your neck painfully to glance outside and your breath hitched. You were on some form of massive space cruiser, surrounded by others of the same. Fleets of TIE fighters and other small craft flew past, you briefly registered the life force of hundreds of thousands of souls but closed it off quickly before you became overwhelmed. Your head rested back onto the table and you suddenly realised you were wet. Glancing down, light blue liquid oozed from your skin, evidence of your time in the cryofreeze. The medi-droid completed final checks and cleared you to be discharged. 

You opened your mouth to speak, yet no sound emerged. The medi-droid tilted its head at you.

“ah..H-how long?” you asked, voice croaking and hoarse from disuse.

“The records for your stasis chamber are high level access only, I’m afraid I cannot access that information”, the droid replied. 

“Okay, then what year is it?”

“34ABY.”

Not as long as you thought, it had been 19 galactic standard years. You allowed yourself a moment to process that information. You looked down again and touched your naked body, still grateful to have the supple frame and muscle you’d built up rather than the ageing form of a decrepit old woman. You touched the strong muscles of your bicep, trailing your fingers across bumpy skin, textured by scars, before bringing your hand up to your face. You admired it, the callouses and freckle marks unaffected by the passing of time. 

The steady burning in your muscles fuelled your desire to move, as you gingerly placed one foot off the bed, followed by the other. You stood, wobbling slightly, muscles complaining from lack of use. You felt like you had concrete running through your veins instead of blood, limbs heavy. Turning your head to the medi-droid, you issued your first order in almost 20 years.  
“Get me my robes.”

______________________________________________________________________________________

Snoke had obviously woken you for a good reason, you mused, as you dressed yourself. Sitting in the private changer, tugging on your black boots, you wondered if he would explain the reason for your exile in the first place. Probably not. You stood and moved around the stool, taking a moment to look at the reflection staring back at you. Your uniform still fit perfectly. Tight, high necked black shirt with three-quarter length sleeves reached to just above the line of your leather gloves, your chest almost flat from the binding garment you wore. Pulled tight against the taut muscles of your abdomen, your trousers were held in place with a wide black belt, allowing full flexibility of the hips for combat. The second layer consisted of your leather robe, tied tightly at your waist, like a corset, but armoured. Your jacket was also synth-leather, and you fondled the fabric of your battle cape, however you opted to leave both behind in exchange for your dress cloak. After all, Snoke would expect you to wear your best to see him again, you were sure. The cowl was slightly too big for you, but you usually wore it down around your neck anyway. Donning your armoured shoulder and arm pads, you felt ready to do battle.

Reaching into the rest of the storage bin, you pulled out your belt clips, blaster holster, and your mask. You held it up to the light and watched the light bounce, still polished as it had been when you last cleaned it. It was black and silver, with a horizontal eye slit, moving down into a ‘T’ shape when it hit the nose. The mouth area was a modifier, with 6 small horizontal slits, the muzzle jutting out slightly, designed to allow breathing in low oxygen environments and protect from damage to your face. It didn’t affect your breathing, or your voice. Snoke was adamant that he did not want a copy of Darth Vader as his apprentice. Or had not, at least. You weren’t sure if you were still worthy of the title yet.  
The medi-droid had reaction at all as you stepped from the changing room. You wondered not for the first time if you had more in common with the droids than people. You thanked it for its assistance and turned to leave. The droid, you then realised, had seen your body. Your face. Sighing, you squeezed your hand into a fist as you left the room, the sparking metal ball of what had been the medi-droid crumpling to the floor. As you stomped through the med bay, you looked around. It was not much different so far, save for the fresher design of the stormtrooper helmets. You had assumed at this point, that the trooper programme had been successful, Snokes wish for an army fulfilled. The old base where you trained was only the beginnings of the programme, young beings put through their paces and conditioned for war. Stone faced you marched out into the corridor, stepping on a mouse droid which beeped its final beep beneath your boot. Trying to pinpoint the location of your master. You sensed nothing. Reeling with confusion, you tried again. 

There. A faint signature of a strong force reader. Turning the opposite direction, you hurried along, not wanting to be away from your master for any longer. You turned right, right, left, right, through an officer’s mess. As you walked by, troopers and officers alike stopped and stared, dive bombing around corners to avoid you and making a hell of a fuss about it. You were used to people getting out of your way, but this was different. They weren’t clearing a path for you to get through, they were trying to avoid you for fear of their own safety. Behind your mask, your brow furrowed, wondering what kind of masked monster had instilled such fear in these men. 

_____________________________________________________________________________________

Down in what could only be described as the belly of the star ship, you finally reached the strongest point of the force signature. You were in a large red room, with a throne in the centre akin to the one Snoke used to have before he moved to star ships. The ceiling reached high above you, with a polished floor so good you could make out the individual stitches on your boots. As interesting as your boots were, however, you almost ran to the foot of the throne to kneel in front of him; your master. Red praetorian guards surrounded him on all sides, and they all took a step towards you as you advanced.

“At last”, he said with reverence. 

You drew every dark emotion to the forefront of your mind, trying to remain impassive. You succeeded, as you always did. Voice impassive, you bowed your head as you spoke.

“You summoned me, Master.”

Snoke stood from his throne and descended, hands clasped together in front of his long body. “Step aside.” He ordered the guards, who willingly returned to their former posts. As he approached, your body collapsed on itself, forming the deepest kneeling bow you could muster, head pressed to your knee. Your body screamed in protest, limbs swollen and tight. Snoke stood in front of you and gently touched your shoulder. 

You flinched minutely at his touch, and then felt a flood of warmth. His happiness, you realised, he was allowing you to feel his emotion at seeing you again. Your chest swelled with pride.  
Removing his hand and returned to his throne, a small smirk on is mouth, as majestic and powerful as you had ever seen him. You remained kneeling, afraid you would overstep your bounds and show too much emotion at his response. 

He placed his finger against his bottom lip and answered your unspoken question. He told you his vision of the boy, the young Jedi, who began training under Luke Skywalker. You listened with keen ears as he described the whispers, he had spoken to the boy’s ears, and the turning of the young man to the darkness. He certainly sounded to you like a worthy apprentice, coming from a Jedi background. And to train under Skywalker himself? The boy must have had powerful parents, you realised. Snoke always loved the power than came from a family name. 

“And now, he has started to fail me.” His voice saddening and leaning back as he spoke the words. Your heart ached for your master. “He is too emotional.” He eyed you carefully at his next words. “I was too late to remove the possessiveness of his feelings and replace them with obedience. Skywalker got to him first, filling his head with soft, sentiment.” He spat the last word. You almost felt sorry for the boy. Loss of control because of emotion had been the cause of many of your sleepless nights.

“I brought you back to me because you are the success he never was. He is too reckless. If I could mould you both together, I would have the perfect apprentice”. His words stung, but it had been so long; you couldn’t help but feel a small sense of pride at the compliment. 

“Teach him how to be the perfect solider, and perhaps he will unlock more potential in you, too.” 

The order from Snoke was clear in his voice and demanded obedience. Nodding your head, you stood, bowed once again, and turned to leave. 

A praetorian guard directed you to your quarters on the next level up from the throne room. You walked slowly down the corridor, instinctively registering every conceivable escape route and potential threats. You keyed in your code and the door slid open, you stepped inside to the cool entrance hall. It was fairly narrow, cool durasteel walls and black tiled floor. Upon taking a few steps inside, you turned to your right into the bed chamber. It was simple, with a bare table, wall storage and your cot, a door on the far side indicating a refresher. Breezing into the room, you turned to face the view. Your window looked out over the docking bay, and from your cot you could see the deep blue of space, tiny flickering lights indicators of various star systems and space craft. It was immense, and took your breath away. 

Turning your back on the window, you found a small reflective black box on your cot. Taking your helmet off and placing it down next to it, you lifted the lid back and smiled, cheeks straining from the unfamiliar muscle movement. Picking up your old-style blaster, you holstered it by your hip. The other two items you picked up and then turned once again to face the window. Placing the small book on the table, you gazed down at the silver rimmed hilt of your lightsaber, eyes flashing with delight as you finally ignited the blade.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay, so thank you for bearing with me! I had hoped this chapter would help set up the basis for the plot to anyone that may be slightly confused. This story is a real personal one for me, and I appreciate any comments you may have.
> 
> I promise there is more coming that will help it make more sense, and yes, there will eventually be some smexy-time (I got you). This shit gonna get real dark though, so if you're here just for the adult cuddles between reader and Kylo, may I suggest waiting until the tags are updated before scarring yourself? Yes? Great, Thanks. 
> 
> P.S. Yes, I do check for typos and grammatical errors, but I get confused with my speech marks so if you find anything wrong please just let me know! <3


	3. Introductions

Confined to your empty quarters for the past few days, it was a relief when Snoke informed you that you would finally be meeting Kylo Ren. You spent the morning switching between meditating and intense pacing. You weren’t sure how you were expected to behave towards the knight. You had never had an equal, only a superior, Snoke. You learned in the days that followed your awakening that this was no longer the case. You were not directly a part of the first order; however, you would hold the same privileges in rank as one of their own generals, the same as Commander Ren.

Force energy swirled around your body, a dark aura mirroring your apprehensive mood as you snapped closed the fastenings of your tunic. You decided, when you met Kylo Ren for the first time, you would wear your full combat attire. As always, before you left your quarters, the mask slid into place on your head. You were aware of the force user’s ability to manipulate emotion to his advantage, and you made sure to give Kylo Ren no such pleasure. Although strong emotions were a powerful ally, they could also prove fatal. You refused to look weak in front of Kylo Ren. Aside from the fact that the helmet protected you from damage in combat, it also allowed you to remain anonymous, something Snoke had drilled into you from an early age. You were not worried about the face protection normally, but through the undirected thoughts of passing officials, you had heard rumours of the knight’s temper and power. You hoped he would be your equal in combat; however, you still did not want to invoke the rage of a legendary warrior if you could help it.

You checked your lightsaber and blaster were accounted for and pressed the operating pad for the door. A passing guard escorted you through the lower levels and into the elevator. After a short ride down, you emerged and paced into the throne room, where Snoke was waiting for you. Leaving the guard by the door, you stopped when you reached the throne, began to bend the knee when Snoke interrupted you.

“Always so respectful. Come, stand by my side.” Snoke gestured with his long-fingered hand to motion you to his right. You tread up the stairs, careful to leave some distance between yourself and Snoke and turned to face the entrance at the end of the hall, positioned slightly behind the throne. This was the standard position for a personal guard, and the position you automatically took when you had represented Snoke in the past, standing by his side, the red right hand. His throne was illuminated by bright spotlights which almost made him difficult to look at, casting a neon white glow from his pale skin. It was a scare tactic, you were sure. You stood in silence, black silhouette melting into the deep red colour of the walls.

The tips of your mind began to buzz after a moment, like somebody had released a small insect into your brain. It created a low fuzzy feeling around your mind, and you realised you were picking up a force signature. It was faint, not giving off much energy to read at all. But even from your position at the bottom of the ship you knew it was the first notable signature you had ever encountered, besides Snoke. You committed the force signature to memory, taking in the colours you could sense and the feel of the aura as if it wrapped you in a cloak. Snoke hummed his acknowledgement at the presence, and you tensed your shoulders as you watched the red lights at the end of the hall begin to illuminate, indicating the elevators descent to the throne room. After a long moment, the doors opened, and the master of the knights of ren emerged. You worked incredibly hard to remain stoic, and nothing moved under your mask, even though you knew he couldn’t see you. You couldn’t help the sudden drop of your heart into your stomach as you looked at the knight for the first time. 

It was like looking in a warped mirror. Your helmets were very similar, although his lacked the modified mouth part yours did. The cloaks and cowls you wore could have been made by the same hands, the knights reaching down to his calves and sweeping around him like a curtain of death. Your tunic was black leather, whilst his consisted more of layered synthetic fabric. As he drew nearer, you couldn’t help but wonder if Snoke had consciously crafted his apprentices’ image after yours. The thought caused pain inside your chest. He was much taller than you, broad across the shoulders, and did not walk with the same poise and respect you did. He walked more like he was used to walking through walls than around them. His power fell off him in waves, a dark, invisible vapour clinging to his boots.

You decided then and there that you wouldn’t address him directly at first. You needed to judge the level of respect you gave him for yourself, no matter what Snoke had ordered. You didn’t want to give him a false sense of superiority. Ren reached the throne, his steps slowing and faltering, almost stopping as he turned his head slightly towards you. He considered your presence, deemed it unimportant, and there was a pregnant pause before the knight began to kneel. You clenched your jaw at the disrespect shown to your master, and hoped to the maker that Ren didn’t make your first encounter one to forget.

“What happened on Starkiller is in the past.” Snoke grumbled at the man, standing up and taking a step towards the hooded figure kneeling before him. 

The mask lifted its muzzle up and a surprisingly heavily modified voice spoke. “He won’t be a burden to my power anymore-”

“Stop thinking you are the only person in the galaxy who bares the weight of failure.” Snoke interrupted, his voice resonating across the hall. “I bare the shameful weight of your failure as my own. You thought that killing him would stop your conflict? You are reckless, emotional, pathetic”, he spat the last word, spinning around and returning to his throne. He sat, placed his hands palm down on the arms of the chair and leaned his tall frame forwards. He looked tired, you thought. “I cannot trust you alone anymore. You injured yourself mentally and physically on Starkiller. If you carry on unchecked, you will never be able to fulfil your destiny.”

The man flinched under Snokes harsh words and you noticed the subtle curling of his fists. Gently casting your mind out to him, you probed, undetected, and felt the soul of a child, fluttering beneath the mask. Snoke raised his right hand and motioned to you, his eyes not leaving Ren’s. He knew what you were doing. You stopped probing, took a single step forwards and was suddenly cast into the beaming light surrounding the throne. Ren had managed to stall the question for so long, but now you stood before him, he could no longer pretend you might have been a figment of his imagination.

“What is this?” Kylo Ren spoke softly, almost delicately through his mask. 

“The future”. Snoke turned his head to look at you. 

You allowed yourself a brief moment to feel admired under Snokes gaze. He eyed you with the same look a rancor might give a swamp rat before eating it. You took a single step forwards and nodded your head towards the knight.

“You think you were the only apprentice I had, boy? This one was mine before I ever delved into your mind.” Snoke gestured towards you with a finger, almost laughing at the knight, who had since raised his gaze to look at you, fists still clenched. You climbed down the steps sideways towards him, moving deliberately and slowly. You took the last few steps onto the polished floor, carefully stalking towards the knight, predatory and curious, until you were almost an arm’s length away, feeling the aura of rejection projected by the knight. Dark force energy ebbed and flowed from his body, and you took a long inhale, drawing it in for yourself. He turned his body, angling it so he was no longer facing Snoke, but facing over you. The helmet looked at you, completely unreadable, moving slowly down to your boots, then back up to your own masked face. It then turned to look towards Snoke. You warily assessed his movements, positioning your body sideways with both feet firmly planted, helmet cocked and turned towards him. A moment of silence passed between you, tension building and palatable in the air. 

Snoke chuckled to himself, amused at the friction between his past and present slaves. “I need you to become one with the darkness together. Find the balance you both need and become my ultimate weapon; perhaps I will let you continue to be mine.” You weren’t sure which of you he had directed his ending statement at. You didn’t want to find out.  
The gushing of the elevator doors opening made both you and the knight turn to see who had entered the room. A tall, pasty man wearing a First Order uniform marched briskly towards the throne, his steps faltering as he noticed the cloaked force users facing off in front of Snoke. Snoke grinned and leaned back, reclining into himself. “General, I assume you are here to discuss the recent failure of Starkiller base.”

The general spoke, confidence in his voice that you could sense he didn’t feel. “Yes, supreme leader.”

Of course Snoke had come up with that very fitting title. It gave no doubt to his position in the new world. You turned to the supreme leader and bowed your head as he motioned for you both to leave. The knight turned first, neglecting to bow, his pride not allowing you the privilege of getting to the elevator before him. As you both marched away, Snoke turned his attention back to the general, smirk on his lips ever present. The knight’s strides were long, and you had to walk double time to keep up with the towering black figure. From your initial assessment of him so far, he was very powerful indeed, but unstable. You were very interested to see his skills in action.

__________________________________________________________________________________________________

You rode the elevator a single floor and it felt like a thousand years passing. You decided to get off at the level of your quarters and meet with the knight another time, after you had figured out what exactly Snoke expected you to do with him.

“Who are you?”

The knight broke the silence first. You almost felt sorry for him and did not respond. The knight angled his head towards you and repeated the question with more emphasis. Again, you remained still and silent, facing the doors, hands clasped behind your back. He violently turned his head, snapping back to face forwards, anger and frustration emitting from him like a solar flame. This man was really the powerful being you had sensed earlier? You now understood what Snoke had meant by balance; you were control and he was chaos, two sides of the same coin. He was clearly far too used to getting his own way. As the elevator ground to a halt, you made a quick decision, exited first and made your way towards the end of the corridor. 

The lowest level of the ship was Snokes personal throne room and quarters. The level above it in which you currently resided was reserved for training, containing large halls with various personnel quarters stationed around the outside. These were reserved for the very highest in the order, generals, red guards, elite officers, and apparently, both apprentices’ temporary holdings. Kylo Ren stepped after you, sulking like a sullen teenager. You allowed him to overtake you, not willing to let him know which door led to your quarters, for fear he might have the oxygen stopped during your sleep cycle. To your surprise, he slowed when he sensed you getting further away from him, boots landing heavily with his weight. You realised you were supposed to be following him, and quickly sped up your pace to catch up with the knight. He led the way to a training room at the far end of the corridor, taking you by surprise once again. He stepped aside once he had entered the door code, allowing you to enter the room first. Your eyes narrowed as you wondered his thought process.

Upon the doors opening, you were greeted by a small band of stormtroopers, aiming their blasters at various mobile droid targets and making an awful mess. A stray blaster bolt headed your way, and you quickly realised Ren’s assumed kindness had actually been in self-defence. The bolt landed to the left of your head, leaving a sizzling dent in the wall which your head turned to observe. The troopers turned around quickly upon hearing the opening doors and lowered their blasters, startled at your sudden appearance. You brought your gaze back and took a step into the room, the troopers cautiously looking between each other and you. The appearance of Kylo Ren behind you sent the troopers scurrying for the door at the other end of the complex, leaving behind blasters and broken parts of droid everywhere. Well, that explained why everyone on the ship had been scared of you when you had first left the med bay. They had mistaken you for the knight behind you. You knew your uniforms and masks were similar, but surely the massive height difference had been a giveaway. 

“I am in no mood to meditate with you.” The knight warned, pushing past you into the room with his shoulder, and thrust his hands out, sending the abandoned blasters, remaining training droids, and debris flying towards the far wall. He stopped in the middle of the room and sharply turned to face you, shrugging out of his cloak and cowl, gripping the hilt of his saber so hard you could almost see his knuckles turn white through the leather of his glove. 

You tilted your helmet at him. He was obviously just looking to vent his anger, probably hoping you would fall under his blade and he could return to his make-believe superiority. You weren’t sure if you were willing to indulge him. He ignited his blade in and made your decision easy, your eyes casting across the brilliant light emitted from the crackling red saber. The design was ancient, the vent system for excess energy given off by the crystal forming a type of cross guard. It was a formidable design. It was almost a shame it was wielded by the man in front of you. You briefly allowed yourself to wonder what that weapon would be like in your hands. 

A snarl echoed across the room through the modifier. Seems he heard you. 

“I don’t like to repeat myself, but for you I’ll make an exception.” He threatened, aggression seeping from every pore. 

“Who. Are. You?” he stated, bringing emphasis onto each word in the question. 

In reply, you removed your own lightsaber from your belt, ignited the blade, and assumed your favoured stance, left hand forwards pointing towards the knight, right hand behind your back, lightsaber ignited behind you. The knight took a moment to observe the reverse wielding of your blade, and you wondered what kind of fighting style he utilised. It had been so long since you had duelled with a blade. You couldn’t wait. 

"Fine", he shrugged, planting his feet and waiting for you to attack. As if you hadn't realised his weakness.

Turning your left palm upwards, you curled two fingers and twitched them upwards in a come-hither motion. The knight took two giant strides towards you, closing the gap and bringing the saber over his head with a roar, just as you expected. You brought yours around to meet his, dragging the length of your saber along his until it met the cross guards and then angling your blade forwards and down. The knight stepped around you and brought the saber with him, attempting to slash you from behind. You ducked underneath it and leaned backwards as his body followed the path of the saber, nimbly stepping around his large form. He was exposed, weak left side at the mercy of your weapon. Barely seconds had passed since the fight had begun, Kylo Ren dropped his saber in surrender, your blade pressed up against the left side of his chest, poised to strike. Over before it had even started. You couldn’t help the feeling of disappointment. You regained a standing position, kicking the fallen lightsaber back towards its master’s hand and silently stepping backwards, turning to resume your starting position. 

You heard him before you saw him, his lightsaber igniting again and the knight spinning around to catch you in the back. You sighed, moving quickly into a complex acrobatic manoeuvre that enabled you to slide around his body and end up behind him. Hands braced against his shoulders from behind, Kylo Ren suddenly found himself flat on his back. Your chosen form of Ataru was obviously not utilised by the bulky man on the floor. You assumed from observing him that it was his own variation of Djem So; he wielded his weapon like a heavy, extended part of his arm. 

“What the fuck was that?” he snapped at you, hand unconsciously placing itself across his chest. He was propped up by his left elbow, right leg bent up at the knee.  
His emotions flared from his body in a fiery aura. Had you not been in your usual permanent state of calm you might have been distracted by the sheer amount of power that was radiating from him. You took two steps towards him, your left leg at his hip, right leg just underneath his right shoulder and you crouched, straddling over his chest. You gently leaned your weight forwards onto your left knee, digging in slightly on his hip. His breathing hitched through the modifier and you took a moment to feel the dominance you had over him. 

Not above, you reminded yourself, but equal. This man had been personally chosen by Snoke, your master abandoning his favourite plaything to invest in breaking in the newer model. You reminded yourself he had probably had to endure the same training and conditioning process as yourself. So why was it he felt like an emotional version of yourself, but dialled to 11? 

You stood, removing yourself from the hovering position over his body, stepping sideways to retrieve your cloak and cowl. Placing them both under your left arm, you advanced towards the door and spared a glance over your shoulder. The knight had reverted back to standing, holstering his lightsaber at his belt and standing in silence, back turned to you, heat radiating from him. Taking a moment to search his emotions, you felt a twinge of sympathy for the knight. He had spent his life believing he was special, hand chosen, and empowered by a sense of destiny. For him to only now be finding out he was not the first of Snokes experiments, you could almost understand the internal conflict he must be facing. 

You made a low, gutteral sound through your mask to gain his attention. Surprise crossed his features as he turned his head to you, a wrinkle appearing on his forehead. You gave a small bow of your head to him, practically shoving the metaphorical olive branch in his face. Turning, you left him in the training room to wallow in self-pity. 

This new chapter in your life was looking to be a particularly interesting one indeed.


	4. Progress

Three days had passed since you had the galaxy’s shortest sparring match with the knight of ren. For three days you had meditated, coming to terms with your new reality. Not much had changed in 19 years, but when you thought about it, you never had any experience of a life outside of the First Order. 

On the second day of meditation you heard screaming. It was raw in your ear, tightening the muscles in your chest and causing a lump to swell in your throat. The screams filtered slowly through your thoughts, and you accepted them, allowing them to settle amongst the rest of your memories. The white noise of it in the background provided you with focus and allowed you to use the force energy that it produced to create power.

You rose from your meditation at the end of the sleep cycle on the third day, the artificial lighting in your bed chamber lower than normal. You hadn’t realised three days had passed until you checked the data pad by your cot. To you, it had passed in a few moments. Internally swearing, you checked for messages on the holopad by your cot. Nothing from Snoke. One message from Kylo Ren. You closed the screen down without reading it, composed your thoughts and resumed sitting at the foot of your cot. 

Your time meditating had made one thing about your future very clear; you needed to find out what you needed from Ren, and what he in return needed from you. His emotional instability made you anxious; you could never hope to work well with somebody who could accidently force push you off the bridge because you looked at him wrong. The emotional turmoil expressed by Ren suggested that Snoke had not pushed him to his breaking point yet. 

You found yourself wondering exactly what stage in his training the knight was. From what Snoke had explained to you, the man had not yet completed his final test. Whatever it was, you thought, the quicker he became his true dark self, the easier a job you would have forming a partnership with him. When push came to shove, your first loyalty was to Snoke, and if Ren failed in his mission then his fate was no longer your concern.

You felt the dark side energy swirling around you at the path your thoughts were leading you down. Expelling air through your mouth, energy crackled from your fingertips. The loose objects in the room gently settled back on the ground as you were pulled from your trance by someone requesting entry to your room. Reaching across to put your helmet on, it slid into place, looking ridiculous with your black jumpsuit before you reached the door to push the access button. 

The pale general from before stood in the entrance, looking down at you with a grim mix of fear and unsupported self-confidence. It made his aura pulse a delicious shade.   
You eyed him warily and stepped to the side, allowing him access into the entrance hall. Your body instinctively placed itself between him and the closed door, an unconscious move to allow yourself an escape route. The general however, must have seen it as a threat, as he turned to you and paled even more. 

“I did not properly introduce myself before. I am General Hux, commander of the Finalizer and superior member of the high council of the first order.” He tilted his chin up with authority at the introduction and waited for you to return the pleasantries. You did not. 

After a pause, Hux filled the silence. “Supreme Leader is wise to have you train with Ren. I have been informed of your previous training; a very impressive track record.”   
Hux bristled with annoyance as you failed to respond to his compliment. You weren’t sure what kind of person he thought he was dealing with, but you simply didn’t have the emotional capability to empathise with his uncomfortable demeanour.

“Nobody on this ship besides Snoke has heard you speak yet. There are rumours that Snoke has removed your tongue”, he puzzled, inclining his head as he took a step closer, almost within touching distance. 

Well. That was a new one, even to you. You stiffly crossed your arms, showing him without words that this simply was not true. You were well aware of officer’s petty gossip, and you stayed well away from it. 

His head jerked up in a small nod of confirmation. He pinched his lips and took a moment to look around the room, red beginning to seep up from beneath his collar. You watched, fascinated, as the colour rose slowly, filling his cheeks and ears with the rosy glow of fresh blood. “I assume I can report to the supreme leader that you are happy with your treatment here so far?”

In your own experience, people tend to fill uncomfortable silence with words. The more they talk, the more information you would gain. That was the way you liked it. The way you had been trained. Hux continued, “Ren is dangerous, and currently unchecked. He is rarely aboard the Supremacy, so Snokes influence has been stretched to the minimum.”  
You tilted your head in curiosity. This man was trying to take out some frustration on your fellow apprentice for destroying whatever this ‘Starkiller’ weapon had been. General Hux obviously thought you were Ren’s replacement, rather than partner. You had no problem with the General, in fact you had been debating with yourself the benefits of having him as some form of associate. He was not the highest ranking amongst the order, but he seemed to spend an awful lot of time around both Ren and Snoke. You smiled behind your mask. 

General Hux ceased talking when you raised a hand, and you spoke your next sentence aloud. 

“Thank you for your concern General, it is appreciated. Please be assured of my gratitude to both supreme leader Snoke and yourself.”

The general swallowed thickly. At the sound of your voice, his eyes quickly glanced down to your body, his eyes confirming what his ears heard as he observed the reluctant tightness of your jumpsuit across your chest. You cursed yourself for not wearing your binder, turned your body sideways and held out a hand, gesturing towards the door. Accepting the implications of your movement, the General nodded towards you and you lowered your chin in return as he exited your quarters. 

As the doors closed in front of you, you released a breath. Closing your eyes, you relived the conversation again in your own head, strolling back into your bed chamber. It had been a friendly conversation, you thought to yourself. This new life of yours with the First Order seemed much more permanent a fixture for you, especially with Snoke giving you a partner.

Look at you, trying to make friends. Don’t fool yourself. They’ll never understand you.

Sighing, you embraced the snide voice in your head, letting it spill its ugly thoughts in your ear. As if encouraging the voice, you removed your helmet and looked at your face in the reflection of the window. Falling back into a cross-legged position at the foot of your cot, you began to meditate again, pushing all thoughts of positive emotion away and embracing the power of your own rage.

___________________________________________________________________________________

Panting, your wet forehead was pressed against the floor, hands and neck bent at uncomfortable angles to the ground, knees curled under your shaking form. You screwed your eyes shut, enjoying the momentary release from pain. Your heartbeat was loud and thunderous in your ears, eyes flashing with bright spots of light as oxygen slowly returned to you. Your hands felt swollen, your knees searing sharp pain on the hard floor and you were almost certain that you had broken another finger.

“Get up”, a voice said, flatly.

You took a breath, summoned all of your strength and pushed your body upright using your forearms, crying out in pain as your weight buckled your elbow joint. You fell back into a kneeling position. As you sat back on your calves, your head fell backwards and into the crook of your neck, mouth open, neck exposed. Your back complained at the new angle, lumbar vertebrae stressed against each other. You were physically drained, at your mental breaking point, using the last of your energy just to stay conscious. Your lip itched, and your tongue darted out, feeling the dried blood around your mouth, licking the corners and cringing at the feeling of grit between your teeth.

“Better”, the voice said, circling your body. 

A flash of light and your head was thrown forwards, hands suddenly wet with the crimson liquid. The metallic smell of fresh blood overwhelmed you and it took a moment to register the pain as you stared down at your lap. White hot electricity seared down your spine, crippling everything from the neck down and tightening a vice grip on your brain. You squealed in anguish as red pooled into your vision, blood vessels popping and staining the whites of your eyes. 

Then there was nothing. Nothing but pain. Every thought that entered your head no longer mattered. Nothing mattered. Nothing but pain and the physical form of your body that tied you to it. Your mouth stretched open to breaking point, the dry skin on your lips splitting and cracking open with the strain, sending more blood pouring down your chin. Your mouth filled with the iron taste and you felt it slide down your throat, bubbling and mixing with your screams. 

Another flash, brighter than the first and your body was flung open, arms and legs stretched out in a spread eagle, your spine arching, blood spurting from somewhere important. Your eyes closed, falling backwards as you sighed into the gentle embrace of death and then - 

___________________________________________________________________________________

Your eyes opened slowly from your meditation, feeling physical sensation draw you from your own mind. Your hand gently reached up and touched your forehead, swiping away the sweat that perspired delicately above your eyebrow. You were still on the Supremacy, in your bed chamber. Still cross-legged on the floor beside your cot. In the same position you woke up in yesterday when you were disturbed by Hux. 

You rose stiffly to your feet, legs numb and unused, and made your way to the refresher. Running the water, you stuck your entire face under the stream, bringing your hands up to rub against your rough skin. You avoided eye contact with the mirror. You returned to your bed chamber, pushing the table up against the window, you took a seat, overlooking the bottom of the dreadnought. Fingers tracing gentle symbols on the table's sheer surface, they paused as you felt a surge of familiar energy, the same energy which you realised had just pulled you from your meditation. Your eyes flashed back at you from the reflective pane of glass and your gaze fell on to the Upsilion class shuttle transport which was currently approaching the front of the ship. Your eyes followed it, and you knew exactly who was on board. Kylo Ren had returned to the Supremacy. 

The dream was a gentle reminder of your place in the world. As the command shuttle docked, you gathered your resolve and turned away from the window. Wrapping the binding garment around your chest, your jaw clenched with determination. You would not let this man make a fool of you. Snoke had trained both of you, so you needed to start pulling your weight with the boy and show Snoke that you were worthy of the power he gave you. 

Pulling on your robes over your underclothes, you attached your lightsaber to your belt, leaving the blaster in holster on the floor. Walking to the door, you clicked your helmet into place. At the push of a button, the doors opened, and you strode along the corridors to the elevator, pressing in coordinates for the docking bay. 

You absently fiddled with the emitter on your lightsaber as you waited. It was becoming loose, threatening to fall off. You made a mental note to have it replaced as soon as you found the materials to do so. Placing the hilt back at your side, you bolted through the doors as soon as they opened, avoiding a large stormtrooper in shining chrome plated armour. 

Turning a corner, you found yourself on the edge of the docking bay, on a slightly raised level with a view over the hangar. Around you, various technicians and stormtroopers scurried around like mice, each with a purpose and destination in mind. Officers in their neatly pressed uniforms glanced your way fearfully as you realised you were right in their path. You took a step sideways out of a unit of stormtroopers that marched past and positioned yourself next to a large container of what you assumed was droid parts. You had a good view from here, unseen apart from anyone that chose to look. Arms crossed, you leaned your shoulder against the crate and watched the long wings of the shuttle fold upright, not too dissimilar to a butterfly. The thought was unwelcome in your head as you observed the ramp to the command shuttle open, steam hissing from the machine and meeting the floor with a heavy clunk. Butterflies were not the first creatures to come to mind when thinking of Commander Ren.

There was no grand ceremony, but at the sound of the ramp opening, a dozen stormtroopers who were in the area hurriedly filed in to create a pathway either side of the ramp, directing the on-board crew members towards the main staff elevators at the other end of the bay. Ren was last to leave the shuttle, surprising you. He towered over the passing stormtroopers and made them look like toy soldiers. General Hux stood at the end of the parade, you had no doubt about to berate the knight for something unimportant. Ren marched right past him, Hux’s ears burning as he watched the knight’s back before practically running after him.

Ren stopped halfway towards the main elevator and turned on his heel, facing you directly across the room. Hux kept walking, only noticing Ren had stopped when the elevator doors closed in front of him, trapping him inside and sending him off to high control. 

Ren stood there for a moment, considering you, and then began to stalk closer, numerous stormtroopers falling beneath his feet as he decided against looking either way when crossing the hangar. When he was a few feet from the ramp that led up to your viewpoint, you righted yourself, uncrossed your arms and began to walk back to the private elevator. He followed, unquestioning, and turned to face you once the elevator doors closed. A peaceful moment of silence, and then -

“You really should at least try to repress your force energy”, he said, deep voice rumbling through the modifier. "I could sense you from a mile away". 

You stared at him and fought the urge to tell him you could sense him across the stars as he entered your orbit. Didn’t want him getting the wrong idea. 

His head sharply inclined towards you and you wondered if he could read your thoughts as quietly as you could his. Turning away from each other, he crossed his hands over the front of his body.

“So, you’re here to gloat to the supreme leader about how you bested his apprentice, a wounded man”.

You turned the muzzle of your mask towards the knight. Silence fell for a moment as you considered an answer. 

It was not an honourable victory, you thought loudly.

The elevator doors opened, and Ren moved quickly, exiting first, fists clenched, turning along the corridor to the same training room you had used before. Punching in the key code, he entered. You waited outside, listening to the sound of terrified stormtroopers making a hasty retreat. If you had been prone to stronger emotions, you would have rolled your eyes at him. As it was, you entered the training room and proceeded to follow the knights lead, removing your cowl and cloak and laying it down in the corner.   
The knight faced away from you in the centre of the room. A gentle touch of his mind showed him to be apprehensive. You felt his nervous energy, along with his resolve and it gave you a slight flicker of hope. Maybe he wouldn’t be impossible to work with after all. He raised both hands to his head, clicked off the release switch, and slowly removed his helmet. Something deep within you stirred.

Long locks of wavy, obsidian hair fell tdown onto his pale neck, damp from the sweat of confinement. As he turned towards you, his sloping jaw tightened into an impassive line. His dark eyes locked on to your own visor, nose wrinkling with frustration. His skin was freckled with tiny moles, and his full lips pressed together, twitching with anticipation of your reaction. A fairly average human male, you confirmed. Good physical form, you noted, observing his thick neck, wide shoulders and the way the muscles moved under his robes. Had you been a regular officer for the first order, you might even have considered him attractive. You suddenly realised you hadn’t moved in a while and shifted your weight to the other foot.

He nodded to you, implying that you do the same. 

You very nearly laughed. 

Rolling your shoulders, you removed your lightsaber from its hilt. He shrugged at you, pulling the cuff of his gloves up tighter and reaching for his blade. Sidestepping each other in a wide circle, you began the saber dance, neither of you willing to be prey to the other.

“I find it difficult to trust you when you refuse to speak around me”, he spat at you, swinging the blade in a low arc at his side. 

You mirrored the movement, adding an additional flourish to the return, demonstrating your superior skill. His eyes never left your visor as you continued to circle each other, sizing each other up. He suddenly yelled, and you lunged sideways at the noise, feigning to the right as his blade came around to meet yours from the left. 

Your blade caught the crossbars of his, and he pushed his full body weight into you. You fumbled slightly, bending backwards under his weight. This was potentially the only disadvantage you had around Ren, your light frame lacking the physical strength to overpower him. You noted that he must have made that assumption after your first match. You didn’t like that. He bared his teeth at you, flickering slightly pink in the light of his blade, before pushing you away with his other hand, both of your boots skidding along the floor, the force moving your body down and away. You now had room to move, a fatal error on his part. You always used your speed and small size to win, dancing around your opponents like a wasp, jabbing at weak points and undermining their skill. 

He collided with you again, lightsaber violently darting straight towards your face. You took your time to observe the strike; well planted feet, nice follow through with the arm. Had you not moved out of the way, you were certain that would have impaled you straight through the visor. He surprised you with his skill as you continued your match, each of you moving and attacking between the other, a frenzied dance. 

The knight was tiring quickly, a side effect of using such an aggressive fighting style. You took a step backwards, successfully blocking his attacks but making no move to counter them, lulling him into a false sense of victory. As his cockiness grew, you watched his lumbering movements, watching for an opening. A swing with an awful amount of force behind it left him exposed, and you took the opportunity to slide your saber in the gap he left, briefly touching his hilt with your blade and making him flinch. As both sabers dropped to the floor in almost slow motion, you took advantage of his momentary pause, dug your hip into his side and used his own body weight to flip him over your leg. He knelt on the ground, you stood behind him, hand around his neck, grip loose, both panting loudly. 

An immeasurable amount of time passed when you both eventually broke apart. Ren staggered to the far wall, resting his back on it and sliding down to the floor, head back, mouth open, leaving a streak of sweat behind him. You mirrored the action sitting to his right side, leaving a large gap between you, just out of lightsabers reach. You were out of breath, and you couldn’t wait to get your mask off, but for now you settled the side of your helmet on your shoulder, looking over at Kylo Ren.  
A scar dissected his cheek, though it was well faded. You hadn’t noticed it before as you had tried not to stare too long at his face.

“A lightsaber”, he spoke aloud, “nothing I couldn’t handle.”

You sincerely doubted that but made no move to comment. 

Sitting in comfortable quiet for a few minutes, both of you caught your breath. You had been distracted the entire fight, watching the emotions crossing his face as you sparred, the sweat on his forehead, the way his eyes darted to his target just before he struck. Not wearing his helmet during the fight had definitely put him at a disadvantage, something you were sure he knew. He had shown you trust by revealing himself to you, and you decided that it was no longer a question of would you trust him, but when. He had proven himself worthy of both your respect and your trust. You took a loud inhale and rested your hands on your thighs, using them to bring yourself back upright. Turning to him, you crouched down, his eyes level with your own. 

““When you can beat me in a fight, Kylo Ren, I will remove my helmet for you.”

If he was shocked to hear your voice, it did not show on his face. You turned and walked away, letting your boots click on purpose, feeling a confidence you didn’t know you had.


	5. Intrusion

Between Kylo Ren’s occasional absence as he hunted various rebels and traitors through the galaxy, and his training sessions with you, you found yourself with absolutely nothing to do. 

You hadn’t seen the knight stalking around or breaking anything important recently, so you assumed he was not on board. Snoke would occasionally call for you, checking on the progress of his favourite apprentices, and sometimes you would meditate. You found yourself on multiple occasions, twitchy and restless. Your frequent meditations meant you rarely slept through the artificial sleep cycle, pacing in your bed chambers until the lights returned to full strength. During those restless nights was often when you would find yourself at the bridge. 

You had spent the majority of your life in isolation, with only a few human interactions not including Snoke. Most of those interactions also usually involved beheading of some kind, so you guessed they didn’t really count either. In truth, the main reason you spent so much time at the bridge was because you found it fascinating to simply exist in a room full of people who you weren’t there to kill. 

The officers scurried around, blindly following orders all day, translators ran to and from the secondary bridge command with important notices. You found you could look at them with all the fascination of a child watching ants. During one of your early walks, you had discovered a small vent in the far corner of the bridge, high up on the wall, with a good view, and just big enough to climb inside. When you were awake in the early hours, you would head to the bridge, prise open the cover and climb up into your perch before any of the officers had begun the first shift. 

From your nest, you could see all the various comms terminals, screens of transmissible data running past like firing neurons, and the lower levels where the communications staff sat. The high bridge was where Yago would patrol around, issuing orders and commanding the star craft from his console. He had no issue with you being there, as long as you didn’t interfere with his business. From the vent, you could shift along the lowered ceiling and drop down almost on top of the command console. On more than one occasion, you had disturbed Yago as he stood watching the ships outside, nearly having a heart attack as the black-clad assassin dropped on him from above. You liked Yago. You were pretty sure of that because you don’t think you would be happy to kill him if you were told to.

It was an impressive craft you were stationed on, you had realised. The dreadnaught housed various militia, star destroyers, and the science division alike. However, after a few weeks of snooping around, you heard that Yago was being replaced. You hoped his replacement would not take issue with your presence. And if he did, you decided, he might have a little accident. 

As you sat up in your nest, absentmindedly flicking a very important switch on the command console with the force, you felt the presence of the second apprentice. Sitting upright, you heard the doors open and General Hux and Kylo Ren entered the bridge together, speaking between themselves. General Hux came to a stop at the command console, as did Ren, returning the switch you had been moving into the primed position. The knight looked even more pissed than normal, you assumed from the way his shoulders crowded, bristling no doubt from the current conversation between himself and Hux. Suddenly hyper-focused, you leaned in, breathing in the delicious darkness that oozed from him.

“Why not just accept the fact Ren, that you’re not going anywhere.” The general fiddled with the buttons on the console, turning his head towards the knight. “You haven’t finished what Supreme Leader has asked of you yet, have you?” 

“I can’t understand what supreme leader is thinking, tying me to it”, he snapped. You knew he was talking about you. A normal person might have been upset. As it was, you found yourself crouching closer above them, listening intently.

“Why do you call the other apprentice a creature, Ren?” General Hux said out of the corner of his mouth. You were almost certain he had no idea what the buttons he was pressing actually did.

“I don’t even know what species it is. I believe -”, he cut off abruptly at the loud bang that shuddered the bridge behind him. You had dropped from your hiding spot, your knees buckling under the impact of the fall, purposefully driving your knee into the ground. You straightened upright before nodding your head politely to the General. As if he was completely used to you dropping from the ceiling unannounced, Hux returned your greeting before turning back to the console. Ren’s hand had shot to his hilt upon hearing the noise. Upon seeing you, he withdrew his hand and turned his back to you, visor pointed at the vast expanse of space. You took a step forwards, almost slotting yourself between them.

The three of you stood in silence for a few minutes, observing the star destroyers outside. 

“Commander Ren, may I request your presence for training at your earliest convenience.”

“I’ll be down shortly”, he replied, not moving. 

You turned your head towards Hux, asking him if he had been temporarily transferred to the Supremacy. He confirmed. “I am pleased for you, General. You must truly be an outstanding officer to be given the responsibility of the flagship containing our Supreme Leader.” Hux’s chest ballooned with pride and his ears flushed red. You were well aware of the benefits of a good relationship with General Hux. The knight turned his head minutely at your praise of Hux but made no move to comment. 

“I wish more of you had the respect and good manners as this one”, he jerked his head towards you whilst talking to Ren. They, you had assumed, being the other knights. Seems Kylo Ren was not the only one to have issues with authority. You wondered about the knights of Ren, and how the man stood to your left could be involved with such a group. Then, you supposed, it was none of your business. Nodding once more to Hux, you turned and retreated from the bridge, stopping by your chambers to don your padding before making your way to the training room. 

After a few hours of working out alone, you figured you could give yourself a break. It was incredibly weak minded of you, you thought, but you were almost certain that Kylo Ren was not coming to train anytime soon. Having spent the best part of twenty years in cryofreeze, you weren’t about to waste time doing nothing productive. However, your shoulders ached, and your elbows cracked every time you extended your arms, and you didn’t particularly feel like having your joints replaced by robotics anytime soon. You sat cross-legged in the centre of the room facing away from the door, chest rising and falling steadily as you levelled your breathing. You placed your hands palm down against your thighs and allowed yourself to focus on the sound of blood flowing in your ears and the distance clatter of training droids in the next room. You slipped silently into meditation. 

________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

“Please…please…stop. I-I can’t.”

You screamed and heard a cruel snapping sound as the bones in your hand were re-set, crying out in pain as the ligaments and cartilage were sewn back together. Your face was streaming red, mucus bubbling from your mouth and nose as the medi-droid continued up your arm, stitching together the open wounds. You could taste dried blood on your mouth, your lips stinging as your tongue moved over the freshly healed scabs. You felt every time the needle pierced your skin, running through the upper epidermis and through the thin layer of fat on the other side before twisting painfully back through the opposite edge. Unable to form coherent speech from the pain, you silently mouthed pleas for mercy at the emotionless faces. Your vision was a blur, the only sounds the whirring of blades and the dull buzzing of robotics as the droids continued their work. Your eyes dropped in and out of focus on the ceiling. You cried out as a fresh wave of pain hit you, the sound of the second medi-droid at your leg popping your kneecap back into place. You looked down at your arms, red raw and bare of most flesh, and you almost vomited as you saw the blood vessels moving between patches of exposed flesh. 

Your vision lost, and suddenly it was dark, and you were bolted to the same table hours later, medi-droids gone. Your eyes opened, growing used to the darkness and you made out a lightly illuminated figure in the doorway. Your entire physical form was just pain, aching, raw, uninterrupted pain. Tears and blood were dry on your skin, leaving you itchy and sore at movement. You glanced down with your eyes only, fearful to move your head too much, and saw the half-hazard stitches and bandages covering most of your body. The dark figure moved towards you, towering over your immobile body, far too tall for you to see properly. You looked up into the face of your saviour. His blue eyes lopsided and glinting in a stray patch of light, a long-clawed finger gently touched your lower lip as he petted your face. 

“Thank you…Master.”

Snoke smiled at you. His hand moved away from your face and he turned away without replying. You smiled weakly, cheeks burning and ripping at the movement. Snoke was so kind to you sometimes. You felt so relieved when he was around. You knew as soon as you saw him, the pain would stop. Pain was all your life was when he wasn’t around. As he began to leave, you murmured a small protest, anxiety creeping up and sending a lurching sensation in your chest. He raised his hand without faltering in his step, disappearing from view. You choked on your silent plea as the pain began fresh.

________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

You were drawn slowly out of your meditation by a lingering presence at the door to the training room. Aware of your surroundings, your eyes remained closed, certain he had not been snooping on purpose. The presence drew nearer, eventually stopping in front of you. You didn’t need to open your eyes to see him through your visor, seating himself opposite you on the floor. If he had seen, you mused, he would not be so purposefully approaching. 

“Did you know about me?”

You opened your eyes to observe the knight. He was cross-legged on the floor in front of you, helmet in his lap, his eyes bloodshot and surrounded by dark rings. He appeared smaller than usual when he sat down with you. You nodded. He leaned back onto his palms and quietly stared at you, shields up. You resumed your meditation. 

A few minutes passed by in silence. You could feel he wished to talk more. His shields were up, but you could feel the anticipation ebbing from his body. Internally berating yourself for indulging him, you relaxed your hands from your lap, and spoke. 

“Snoke had a vision of a second apprentice a few years after I started my training with him.”

Ren looked contemplative. “I didn’t know about you”. He paused and looked uncertain about continuing. When you didn’t reply, he carried on. “I knew Snoke had planned to acquire other apprentices. He told me so himself when we travelled to Dagobah.” He had just figured it would be after he was trained, not before. He pursed his lips together recalling the memory, sighed and put a hand behind his neck, rubbing to loosen a tight muscle.

You did not reply. You felt hesitant about connecting with him, though you had noticed his attempts to do so with you. You needed to become one being with him, a weapon for your master, in perfect harmony together. You both knew this, yet somehow being ordered to create a bond together didn’t exactly make it come naturally. Training with him was a good start to creating your partnership. If you could learn each other’s movements, skill sets, fighting styles, weaknesses and strengths, then eventually you would be able to work together on the battlefield, as Snoke wished. 

This was just another challenge for yourself, you realised. You were physically competent, able to best the knight on every occasion. Mentally, you could withstand the worst of tortures. Emotionally, however, you were completely amateur. This was a test for both of Snokes apprentices. You weren’t sure what would happen if either of you failed.   
You stretched your arms out to the sides, wincing as both elbow jointed cracked loudly, and stood, blood rushing back into your booted feet. You looked down at the knight, who watched you with interest.

You hated to admit to yourself, but you longed to know more about him than what you were learning through sparring. There was no record of him on the data entry system, Snoke refused to disclose any information, and the only thing General Hux wanted to tell you about him was how annoying he was. You had so many questions, yet you couldn’t bring yourself to ask any of them. Letting out a huff of impatience, you cast your mind back try to remember what the point of the training session was. You also remembered your aching body and decided against physical skills for the time being. 

“Can you manifest and expel your force energy yet?”

He frowned at you. “Expel it? Why would I do that?.” 

You furrowed your brow, confused. Why would this man not need to expel force energy? You’d never known anyone more in need of it. Literally.

You folded your arms across your chest and spoke to him. 

“All creatures absorb force energy constantly, you know this. Sometimes, force sensitive beings are too strongly bonded to it and absorb more energy than they can handle, like a black hole.” You paused for breath, allowing the information to sink in. “By expelling the excess energy, you can better control the power you already have, allowing you to reach a greater focus.”

His face was blank as he listened, the only signs of life an occasional twitching eyelid and the small movement of his nostrils and chest as he took breath. After a minute, he slowly nodded, although you could feel even from the distance you were that he was uneasy about it. How had the knight reached this point in his training and not expelled force energy yet? It was one of the first things you had learned under Snoke. 

“Try it.”

He furrowed his brow and answered, “I don’t see the point.”

You, however, weren’t asking, shifting your weight to the other foot and inclining your head. Tossing his lightsaber and helmet away, he rolled his shoulders, removing his cowl and cloak and dropping them to the floor next to him. He centred himself in the room and you took a few paces backwards, giving him room. You couldn’t believe this man had never released his force energy before. That was probably contributing to how pissed he was all the time. He needed to release the pent-up frustration that had built up. You watched him carefully as he attempted the expulsion, both for protection and curiosity. 

He inhaled slowly and released the same breath; a deep line of concentration appeared between his eyebrows. You peered at it. His cheeks began to redden, crows’ feet appearing at the corners of his eyes as they scrunched together. Slowly at first, dull orange and yellow coloured waves began to project from the knight’s body, a physical manifestation of his own unique force signature. You studied them, taking a moment to appreciate their beauty. Not every force signature was coloured, and his was accompanied by the heady scent of musky-wood and orange peel. You raised your head up, watching the subtle changing of colours, the yellow and orange mixing with gentle whites and blacks, bouncing and reflecting off the walls. The force was such an unchallenged entity, constantly revealing new secrets to those who were brave enough to listen. 

It was hot, you realised, and burning when a wave crept too close to your skin. The waves grew brighter, and you looked closer at the knight’s face. Other than a furrowed brow, his face remained calm. The force energy that pulsed from his body was a connecting link directly into his mind. You reached out to touch a wave which flowed nearby, like smoke. As your fingers came into contact with it, through your own connection to the force you felt the emotion it contained. Rage. Burning pure and simple. It seeped into your own body, merging with your emotions and you felt a surge of dark energy as you accepted it. The anger subsided as quickly as it arrived, as did the power that came with it.   
How interesting, you mused, wiggling your gloved fingers in front of your visor.

The waves began to grow in their numbers, becoming more clear and solid to the eye as the knight gained confidence. This man was harbouring some seriously pent up emotion to be releasing that much force energy. You jolted suddenly as a wave reached past and brushed your arm, giving you a brief flash into the memory it linked with; the image of a man, grey haired and old, falling from a bridge, his chest agape with the fresh wound of a lightsaber, filled your head. 

The atmosphere around you changed in an instant. Ren’s teeth clenched together and the waves turned darker. Instead of bright fire, it now more closely resembled the deep crimson red of blood and smokey ash. The energy signature burned more powerful; it started to singe your skin, waves thrashing violently at the walls. He was too deep inside his own head, you realised, a twinge of panic gripping your chest as you edged closer to the knight, skin tingling with heat through your armour as you neared him. Ren’s emotions were overpowering, the conflict within his soul manifesting in a battle between rays of smoky force energy, light versus dark. You’d never sensed such conflict within a soul before.

Another stronger wave of darkness punished the room, expelled from his body with the same force of an imploding star, your skin burning and at the same time, euphoria washing over your senses. You felt your own body absorbing the dark energy he expelled, soaking it in, power crackling at your fingertips. Voice alight with power, you yelled at him to stop, but he couldn’t hear you over the sound of the rising force energy and blood humming in his ears. It looked like the force battle in the room was beginning to peak, loud gushing wind battering your senses as bright as the central sun. You raised your hands and attempted to contain the knight with the force as he pressed his palms to his ears and screamed in anguish. 

The sound of his bloodcurdling scream brought a flood of panic to you, your hairs standing on end, body suddenly tensed to run. The sound of screaming so close to you, combined with the emotions of anguish you felt as your own was too much for you to handle. You let out a scream of your own, half in rage, half in fear, and in one swift motion of your hand, you sent a stream of darkness into Ren’s chest, releasing the power that had manifested inside of you all at once. A flash of bright light, a crashing sound, the screaming stopped, and suddenly, darkness enveloped the room.

________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

The silence afterwards was deafening. Emergency lighting flickered on with a dull hum, revealing the state of the training room below it. The knight was knelt on the floor in the centre of the room, hands still covering his ears. Your right hand still outstretched towards him; you felt your pulse race as though you had just run a marathon. Your fingers trembled, anxiety shooting the last of the adrenaline through your body, causing your teeth to chatter. There was a steady dripping noise coming from somewhere nearby. The air hissed and fizzled with the sudden void, creating a dull ache in your inner ear. A thousand different emotions swirled in your mind, and not a single one was positive.

“Go.” 

The knight looked up from the ground and for a moment, concern crossed his features, being instantly replaced by a scornful look.

“Now.”

Your hand still visibly trembled so you slammed it back against your side. He stretched his body upright, jaw clenching together, fingers flexing, and gathered up his cloak. He stormed towards you, boots making a strange crunching sound, face stopping inches from your visor, breath fogging the glass and for a moment, you thought he was actually going to take a swing at you. From this distance you could see the tiny flecks of amber in his dark eyes. You wondered if he could see the fear in yours. 

He pushed past you, and you heard him pick up his saber and helmet, boots stomping until the doors sealed shut behind him and his footsteps faded into nothing. The only sound remaining was a strange tinkling noise and your own breathing.

You took a moment, taking in your surroundings. Your heartbeat was slowing down, anxiety subsiding. You took a shaky breath and looked up as something flashed in your peripheral vision. The glass panels on the ceiling had been warped and twisted by heat so much they had collapsed inwards, glass covering the floor like a crystal cave. Debris was everywhere, and you made a mental reminder to yourself to call for the service droids as soon as you left. 

Your leg felt damp, and you looked down to see the source of the dripping sound. Blood was falling rapidly from your arm, pouring down the left side of your body and pooling at your feet. That explained the knight’s concern earlier. You checked behind you that the door was closed before you rolled up your sleeve, checking for the injury. A deep gash around the length of your finger was fresh just above your elbow, a sharp jade of glass sticking from it. It would definitely need stitches. The pain sent a small shiver down your spine.

You observed the wound for a moment before sharply wrenching the shard from your body, disregarding the state of your sliced flesh and causing a fresh stream of blood to escape. It looked like small, red rivers as it ran down against your pale skin. Your arm was now suitably numb. 

You considered the wound for a moment longer, took the index finger of your opposite hand and viciously stabbed it inside the fresh hole in your body, all the way to the last knuckle.


	6. Your Concern

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just a heads up, there is a brief change of viewpoint here whereby reader sees herself from the viewpoint of another. It was difficult to write, but hopefully you guys can make it out okay!
> 
> Thanks to everyone who has read so far, each and everyone of you make me so happy and grateful to be writing once more. 
> 
> Peace out ✌️

You had not seen Kylo Ren since that day in the training room. He was avoiding you, that much you were pretty sure of. You couldn't quite figure out why, however. Yes, he had destroyed a perfectly good training room and expelled a hell of a lot of force energy in the process, but the room was fixed now. His energy would have replenished, and you could see no reason why he should not want to continue training with you. 

You hugged your knees to your chest, resting the muzzle of your helmet on them, staring out into the vast expanse of space. The more time you spent around other people, the more you realised you were completely different to them all. They were ruled by their emotions, driven by them to do great or terrible deeds. You felt very alone.

The hustle of the communications staff below you provided calming white noise in the background, and the steady silhouette of General Hux at the bridge provided you a focus point. From your nest in the corner you observed various officers scurrying around, leading important lives and hoping that someday they might be noticed for it. Recognition for work, you thought to yourself, was unnecessary to feel true pride at your achievements. You dropped your knees down, shifting your weight forwards and twisting around, hanging from the vent by your arms like a Ghoel before silently dropping onto the bridge. You straightened up and approached Hux from behind. 

"General", you said in greeting. 

"Kriffing hell", he flinched, whipping around. He lowered his hands and exhaled sharply. "Get yourself some boots like Ren, at least then I'll be able to hear you coming". He returned his gaze to the command console, running a hand absentmindedly through his auburn hair and straightening his back. 

You liked General Hux. He commanded respect yet did not flounce his authority over you. At times, you thought, he seemed almost pleased to see you. You guessed he preferred you to the other apprentice of the supreme leader, which was understandable given the knight's temper and lack of respect for property. You were used to men like Hux, in a position of power who enjoyed the simple fact that they ruled supreme over their own little world. It gave them simple and clear motives; made them easier to understand.

"Apologies, General." You stepped back, folded your hands behind you, inclined your head forwards and braced your legs shoulder width apart. The general peered around and considered you for a moment, an unreadable emotion crossing his face before he turned to you. 

"As I speak, we are currently tracking the main fleet of resistance ships. However, there have been reports of a small number of resistance fighters making a temporary base on Takodana. I have requested Commander Ren to disperse them, but as of yet I have been unable to get a response from him." He turned his body fully to you and set his jaw square, staring into your visor. "I need those fighters destroyed. It's not a question of who does it."

You didn't need him to say anymore. Bowing your head, you turned on your heel and strode from the bridge, trying to hide your eagerness. You allowed yourself a moment to square your shoulders as you descended the elevator down to the lower levels. Practically skipping once you were inside your quarters, you picked up your effects; blaster in its holster strapped to your right leg, lightsaber strapped to the belt against your other. You tightened the straps of your chest plate and replaced the binding bandages around your chest with fresh ones. You decided against wearing your long cloak. Opening the storage against the wall, you pulled your full armour from the rails and strapped yourself in. Biceps straining against the tight synth-leather, you pulled your gloves up to meet the sleeves, conscious of any skin that might be showing on your arms. You attached your shoulder plates, gleaming domes that made you look even a tiny bit scarier, clicking your shorter cape onto your left shoulder. The cape was much more suited to combat than the long dress cloak. It stopped at the top of your thigh, asymmetric and only covering your left side, allowing you better range of movement and still breaking up your shape to discourage blaster shots. The other paddings you attached with equal enthusiasm. In full combat attire, you felt like you could conquer the galaxy.

The ride back up in the elevator took an eternity. Your fingers twitched with eagerness. Although you weren't entirely convinced about plunging into the deep end and going on a murder spree not weeks from two decades in cryofreeze, you couldn't help but begin to feel excitement at the prospect of going planet side. You played out a number of scenarios in your head, trying to ignore your leg which had started to bounce up and down in anticipation. Hux had said a small number of resistances, and with a few troopers to back you up, you were confident that you might not even have to draw your lightsaber.

The turbolift opened onto the docking bay and you nearly walked straight into General Hux. He stepped away from the doors, allowing you to then step out in a small show of respect. You turned to face him as he crossed inside, pressing his hand against the holopad to hold the doors open. His blue eyes roamed your visor as he debated something internally.

"Commander Ren is preparing to leave over at bay 30." He nodded in the direction of the command shuttle. You turned your visor to see the wings slowly begin to descend as it prepared to launch. "Seems he receives orders just fine but considers replying to them beneath him." Mouth upturned, he removed his hand and joined them together behind his back, allowing the elevator door to close. 

Damn. Taking a few steps forward, you felt hard pressure rising in your chest, throat swelling with an untamed burning sensation. You had been excited to leave, take the command shuttle and fly to the other side of the galaxy. Now your fellow apprentice was stealing that from you. 

No.

NO.

Ah, fuck it.

You swept across the hangar, a dark blur, jumping the short distance as the ramp began to raise from the ground. 

The ramp sealed shut behind you, almost catching on your damned cape. An officer who had been walking past looked warily at you from the corner of her eye, and you gently persuaded her to look the other way. She smiled sweetly, turning to walk back to the officer's deck, eyes glazed over. 

Turning to your left, you followed her, slipping along the short access corridor before turning right and into the officer's deck of the command shuttle. The ceiling was low, the entire deck cast in darkness at the lack of proper lighting. You wondered how the officers could see anything. Short consoles a few feet long spanned the length of the room, joining at the front of the ship to become a dual seated pilot control. The pilots sat, making their pre-flight checks, and tried to ignore the over-shoulder staring from the black-clad knight. He stood in front of a holoprojector which displayed various star systems nearby, tapping his foot. His arms were crossed over his vast chest, and even from the back of the room you sense his impatience. 

You stepped forward into the low lighting of the deck, meeting the gaze of his visor as he turned to you. You crossed your own arms, mirroring his body language. After a moment, Ren turned back to face the front window, stance rigid. You took another few steps until you were level with him and joined his gaze as he watched the ship leave the vicinity of the loading bay. Casting your mind out, you sensed he was not phased by your presence. His helmet moved minutely and his deep voice flowed through the modifier.

"What are you doing here?" You glanced up at his helmet.

"General Hux asked me to help deal with the resistance on Takodana, as he believed a certain knight was otherwise indisposed", you stated defensively, uncrossing your arms and leaning them on the panel in front of you.

His fingers clenched around his biceps. You, however, were not interested in fighting with him. You felt the muscles under your eye twitch as you tried to think of ways to convince him not to throw you out of the shuttle mid-flight. You had been so caught up in your own eagerness to leave the Supremacy, that you hadn't even considered that you might jeopardise the mission. His head lolled back, resting on the lowered hood of his cowl. 

"You won't. Just don't get in my way."

You inhaled sharply, jerking your head around to face the knight, sure you were going to acquire some whiplash in your neck from the movement. Either you had unconsciously projected your thoughts, or he was improving at reading them without you noticing. Either way, it was a sign of progress. 

"As long as you don't get in mine, apprentice." You lay heavy emphasis on the last word.

He turned his head to face you again and you could feel the smirk under his mask before he shifted himself forwards around the holo-projector to address the pilot. You retreated to sit on one of the cuboid seats at the back of the shuttle, spreading your knees and leaning forwards to rest your elbows on them, chin of your helmet in your hands. A moment later, he joined you, taking the seat opposite. Your knees almost touched, his long legs buckling in the smaller space. It was almost comical. You asked him why he didn't take his seat at the front, behind the pilots. 

"Because I don't want to."

You let out a small grunt of acknowledgement. Makes sense. 

You spent the remainder of the flight in comfortable silence opposite the knight. 

________________________________________________________________________________

When you came to, you were panting, sweat running down from beneath your helmet and tickling your neck. Your shoulders heaved from physical strain and your legs were parted in a wide stance, heartbeat in your ears. Somewhere far away, there was screaming, the sound of blasters, and the groaning of metal straining under its own weight. Your hands shaking, you pressed your lightsaber off, watching the shrieking blade retract into the hilt. Raising your head, you took in your surroundings, suddenly hyper-aware, as if waking from a realistic nightmare. Smoke weaved around you, blurring the edges of your vision and making the clean air filtering into your helmet taste of ash. Around you, small fires burned, black charcoal littering the floor. You could see x-wings on fire, trees falling and littering the distance. Your gaze trailed down, catching something small touching your boot. It looked like a hand, blood-stained fingers curling inwards. Your gaze followed the trail of blood which surrounded it and saw the rest of the body to your right. The nameless resistance member was barely recognizable, face sliced apart like a butcher's ham. 

Kylo Ren stood opposite you, his body in much the same condition as your own. His cloak had acquired a new blaster hole, his crimson blade crackling at his side. His shoulders moved with as much emphasis as your own, chest heaving with the effort of breathing. He took a step forward, raising his hand slightly and hesitated. You glanced up to meet his visored gaze and sensed a twinge of fear from the knight. Fear, you realised, not of his surroundings, but of you. 

A cold dread seeped into your bones and you turned from his gaze. You needed to find some space to breath, suddenly feeling claustrophobic. Clipping your saber back to your belt, you turned and strode away from him, leaving the destruction behind you. Every step you took brought you further away from the smell of blood and the look in the knight's eyes. The steady crunch of your boots on dirt was comforting, removing your focus from the sound of fire and screaming. You could sense that the stormtroopers were almost done with the final fleeing resistance members, picking them off like fish in a barrel. Remembering the bodies that littered around your feet, you continued walking, trying to recall any of their faces. 

It was almost dark when you eventually stopped walking, the reflection of the planet's moons bouncing off your boots. You were somewhere far away from the destruction, that much you knew, but the smell of smoke still lingered in the air. You raised your head, neck stiff from facing the floor the entire walk, and looked at the clearing you had arrived in. It wasn't large, but it was big enough to comfortably swing your saber should you need to defend yourself. 

Sitting down, legs straight in front of you, you relished the short-lived relief of taking the weight off your feet. Glancing down at your hands, you removed your gloves, watching the skin move across the bones of your knuckles as you flexed your fingers. Sometime during the fight, you must have punched someone, the knuckles of your right hand swollen and grazed, uncomfortable in the tight synth-leather glove. Unclipping your blaster from your leg, you tossed it aside. It was uncomfortable, digging in as you sat. Even the small act of removing your gloves helped you feel less restricted. You closed your eyes and tried to meditate, seeking focus with the force energy inside. You felt unease, your energy leftover still churning from the battle.

Something was behind you, force signature radiant amongst the darkness in your mind. Quietly slipping one of your gloves back on, you opened your eyes. Struggling to fit your swollen hand back in the glove, you gave up, letting it rest in your lap.

Kylo Ren emerged into the clearing a moment later, carrying his helmet under one arm, his long, wet hair sticking to his forehead and cheeks. His lips were parted, beads of water spattered across his face where he looked like he had attempted to wash of the dirty marks he had acquired earlier. 

He paused, taking in you on the ground, and moved slowly to sit in front of you. You couldn't look at him. He lightly tapped on his knee, pondering to himself. His gaze fell to your hand, tightly clad in bandages, but he briefly glanced the injury sustained there and raised his eyes to meet your visor. 

"How did you learn to fight like that?"

You shifted uncomfortably and didn't answer immediately, unsure of what to say. 

"I don't remember anything that happened after we left the ship", you murmured, picking at a loose thread on the glove you held in your lap. Ren made a low noise in his throat and didn't speak. 

The two students of Snoke sat in silence, fine rain beginning to fall on them both, although not hard due to the protection of the trees that surrounded them.

"Do you want to see it?" He asked quietly. 

You hesitated, and he paused, pinching the end of his left glove in two long fingers and sliding it off. He held a large hand out to you. You stared at it for the longest moment, observing the tendons you could see moving beneath the skin on the back of his hand. You looked at his calloused knuckle joints and counted the tiny freckles you could see. You raised your helmet up from his hand and looked at Ren gratefully. How was it he seem to know exactly what you needed? 

You set your jaw and pulled your shoulders back, tossing your glove into a small puddle nearby.

You reached forwards and gently touched Ren's withfingers your own. 

________________________________________________________________________________

You could see yourself through the knight's eyes, watching your own body descend the ramp of the command shuttle and drawing your humming blade. Your form seemed small through his eyes, yet your speed was hard to follow. You watched your own nimble footing as you descended into the chaos, being lost to the knight's vision in a sea of people. 

Ren thought to himself, so much for a small number of fighters. The stormtrooper shuttles had arrived before you did, and the shuttle had opened on the midst of a heavy battle, with at least a hundred resistance members firing upon the troopers they encountered. They used their own ships as blockades, and the small buildings around them to protect from the might of the first order attack. 

The knight's lightsaber ignited and followed yours, crashing into armoured chest plates, his aggressive fighting style clumsy, yet effective. You could physically feel the strength of his arms as if it were your own, his back straining as he parried and fought, his reach much longer than yours, looking down on his enemies as they fell. 

You wished you were as formidable in your physical form as Kylo Ren. 

You felt the knights distain for the fighters as your own, sneering down at them and cutting them down where they stood. Cowardly dogs, he thought. You turned as Ren, as he left you in the midst of battle, followed by your small entourage of stormtroopers out and around the main horde of fighters, ordering them to lay the detonators in the resistance's ships. You cleared a path for them, laying waste to all fighters surrounding you, providing access for your troopers to lay down the explosives. 

The resistance fighters swarmed to you, the tall figure in black, each one hoping to be the man who lay the lucky shot which ended your life. You deflected the blaster bolts with ease, calling on the force as your ally. The more rebel symbols you saw, the angrier you became. Snarling, you force pushed a group of pilots into a wall, crushing their bones and leaving them to the mercy of the first order soldiers. 

You and the small group of stormtroopers had just planted the last charge, when you suddenly felt a heavy pressure across your chest, like someone was sitting on it. Your mouth opened under your helmet, suddenly feeling like you couldn't take a breath. Ears popped, you felt like there was a drop in pressure across the entire planet, like the centre of gravity had shifted. Swinging around, you descended the ramp of the resistance ship, searching for the force convergence you were sure you would find. You recognised the signature as your own. Kylo's grip on his lightsaber tightened as you made your way towards the battle, large strides bringing you closer in no time at all. Inside Kylo's mind, you were almost a head taller than the fighters around you, and you had no trouble identifying the source of pressure on the knight's chest. 

You watched through Ren's eyes as your own body came into view amongst the horde of fighters. You could barely be seen, around a head shorter than the fighters and troopers around you, but the swing of your saber cleared the bodies around you, allowing the knight to see the black vision. He felt troubled, but also intrigued by what he saw. 

Dark force energy swirled around you in his mind, crackling with heavy promise. You watched as your saber swung in large arcs, sweeping low amongst the fighters, deadly force radiating from every fibre of your being. Kylo rose a hand to his chest and realised the pressure he felt wasn't just from your abundance of force energy. 

The air was thick and heavy with your desire to kill. 

It practically dripped from you, acute and mortal force sharpening your every movement. There were no errors, each stab and parry a calculated and decisive movement. He could see the force practically feeding you energy as you watched yourself swing your saber; force pulling in whichever fighter was nearest to you, stormtrooper and resistance alike. As you watched your own body move across the base, flitting from one solider to the next, you saw with horror the aftermath of your attack.

The slaughtered bodies of various creatures lay on the ground, some still in recognisable form, others in too many pieces to count. Deep red and black covered the ground, oozing into the craters and creating a scar on the face of the planet. None were left struggling to breath, and none were held with mercy. Ren had to tear your gaze away from you for a moment, as a few brave resistance fighters charged at you, your cross-bladed lightsaber igniting to push them aside. As the number of living bodies dwindled down, the force energy swirling in the air began to thin out, bringing oxygen back into your body. As Ren, you watched your own body continue to move around, slashing and jabbing with your saber in a deadly dance, mowing down last of the resistance fighters in droves. The volume in the area quietened, with only a handful of survivors left alive. Your short cape swung around making you appear almost fluid as you landed a somersault behind a fighter pilot, dropping your blade down and cutting him neatly in half. 

From the knight's perspective, it was beautiful. 

Ren suddenly heard a stormtrooper yelling, and immediately afterwards an incredible explosion as the detonators began to erupt, destroying the ships one by one. He flinched sideways with the sudden onslaught to his ears and briskly made his way over to you, eyes flashing around to make sure he was well away from the nearest ship. By the time he reached you, you were finished. He watched you deal the final blow to a pilot, removing his hand and face in a single vicious swipe, red spurting to cover both of you in fresh blood. He could hear you panting through your helmet, close enough now to see the sweat pouring from underneath. 

He wondered if your hair stuck to your forehead too, like his always did. He wondered not for the first time what you looked like underneath, if you were a human like him. 

He thought more quietly to himself that he wouldn't mind watching you cause the same destruction again. 

The final ship exploded in a roar of dazzling light and the smell of fuel and ozone filled the air, mingling with the smoke and dry ash. Your ears rang as you watched yourself jump in fright at the noise, your helmet turning to face the knight as if you hadn't even been aware of his presence. 

You looked down at your body through Kylo's visor. You were covered in deep red blood, which was drying to black on your clothes. Ren looked down at himself, noticing the blood also staining his clothes. Shoulders shrugging from your heavy breathing, you left your lightsaber ignited at your side. You watched yourself take a small step towards Ren and felt the tiniest flash of his fear at your approach.

________________________________________________________________________________

Jerking away from his outstretched hand, you inhaled sharply. Ren's bloodshot eyes were open, attempting to gauge your reaction. Water continued to trickle down his face, and your own visor had small spots of blur due to the rain. Judging by the fact your glove was still sinking into in the shallow puddle where you had thrown it, ripples fleeing to the edges, you could tell the vision had passed between you both in only a single moment. 

You were reluctant to speak, toes curling anxiously inside your boots as you processed his memory. You instead leaned over to fish out your glove, wrenching it onto your swollen hand and pulling it up hastily to meet your sleeve. 

You looked Ren's face, strong nose contoured by the reflection of the moons above you, his dark eyes now trained on his boots. As you sat with him, rain dripping around you, you thought about your life. Sat here, on this luscious green planet, covered in dry blood and sitting opposite a mass-murdering sociopath with the smell of smoke and ozone in the air, you almost felt normal.

"I saw it," you whispered. "Your fear."

Ren's face twitched and he looked up to your visor, studying the metalwork. 

"You've beaten me every time we spar. After watching you in real combat..."

He didn't need to finish, letting his voice trail off. His mouth upturned at one corner in a small smirk.

"You've been holding back."

You exhaled sharply in a huff of good humour, belly clenching. It was true, but you didn't want to damage Snoke's favourite apprentice after all. 

It was almost full darkness now, you and the knight sitting opposite each other in silence. The only light was emitted by the twin moons which cast gleaming pale shadows between the pair of you. He looked ethereal in the light. It made you uncomfortable to be sitting so close to him, yet you couldn't find it within you to move. 

"You're usually so predictable. I can narrow down your movements on the Supremacy to the same four places." He remarked. "But today...I could never have predicted that."

You were surprised at the compliment, feeling the knight's embarrassment as strongly your own. You rubbed your index fingers against the sides of your thumbs and stared into your lap.

"I just do what needs to be done. Nothing more."

"No, but that's just it." Ren leaned forwards, excitement in his voice. "You weren't just a mindless killer out there. You enjoyed it."

His words fell on your ears and slithered inside, wrapping around the organ in your chest and squeezing tight. You knew he was right, but admitting it was a different thing entirely. The pride you were feeling right now rivalled that of when you pleased your master. Snoke was the only other creature who praised you like this; it felt almost rude to accept it from Ren. 

You sniffed, and brought your boot under your thigh, pushing yourself up to stand. Ren's red rimmed eyes followed you up, before he pushed himself up with his arm and loomed over you once again. He seemed tense, but excited. Your backside was numb from where you had been sitting, your head beginning to ache from dehydration. You'd never felt more calm.

"It's the only thing I've ever been good at," you admitted to him, pursing your lips together. 

He paused, then nodded. 

"I can see why."

Your ears heated up, cheeks burning and heart hammering. You were strangely uncomfortable to be hearing the words he was forming, but also elated. It was a heady combination. You rubbed your sore knuckles with your left hand, wet synth-leather squeaking quietly as you did so. 

The rain began to hit harder, larger droplets stinging Ren's eyes and attaching to his dark eyelashes. You pointed to his helmet which he stooped to pick up, flicking off a piece of moss that had latched to the base of it. He lowered the mask over his head, clicking into place with a hiss. 

Feet squelching in the mud, you and Ren made your way back through the forest. The shuttle ramp was down as the troopers inside eagerly awaited your arrival. Boarding the ship with Ren by your side, covered in blood and muck, you felt a confidence that you hadn't felt in over twenty years.


	7. Comfort

You stood in darkness, facing the front viewport of the limo which now overlooked the crowded loading bay. The pilots, comms staff and technicians had all departed, yet both you and Ren were prolonging the time you took in returning to familiar territory. You weren’t quite sure what either of you were waiting for. Perhaps just to be in your own quiet world for a few moments longer. 

A rustling of fabric and Ren turned around. You followed him, your helmet almost to his back as you twisted your way along the ships narrow corridors to the ramp. Stepping down the angled metal into the blinding lights of the hangar bay, you almost walked straight into Ren’s back. You glanced around the black mass in front of you and were greeted by the steely gaze of General Hux. You bristled. You had been in a sour mood since leaving Takodana, and you were almost certain Hux wasn’t here to give you a fruit basket and welcome you home. 

“General Hux”, grumbled Ren in greeting. Ren took a lunging stride to his left and the general stepped into pace beside him. You twitched slightly at being left out but ambled behind the two without complaint as you crossed the hangar.

“Supreme Leader Snoke has asked for his apprentice to be sent to him immediately upon return.” Hux stated to Ren. Quickly looking over his shoulder between you both, he added, “I wasn’t sure which of you he was referring to, so consider yourselves both informed. Do as you wish with the information.” With a twist of his polished boot he turned a half circle and began marching with intent in the opposite direction without falter in his step. You watched him leave then brought your face forwards again, quickening your pace to catch up with Ren. You glanced towards each other as you made your way to the private turbolift at the quieter end of the hangar, the guards who had been flanking you steering off either side as you entered, and the doors closed.

As you stood in the lift, you felt your heart rate increase, your chest vibrating like you were stood next to a bass speaker. Sweat perspired in your gloved palms and you rubbed them together, spreading the slickening sensation across your skin. You didn’t like the nervous feeling in the pit of your stomach; it set your teeth on edge. A wave of nausea hit you, and you brought your hand out to the side of the elevator to steady yourself; it passed just as quickly. Your brow furrowed and you pushed your shoulders back, righting yourself. Ren inclined his head slightly but made no comment.

This was for you. You had left the ship. You had left Snoke without permission and gone on a murder spree. You could almost feel the punishment that awaited you.

A few dull beeping sounds indicated the last stop. The turbolift doors opened, and you both strode into the brightly lit throne room, the looming figure in his chair growing taller as you neared, illuminated by red and white lights. Snoke greeted you both from the throne by opening his arms, a gesture that was matched by the slow grin on his face. Your heart lurched as you neared, bringing a fluttering feeling to your chest and another wave of nausea. You found yourself beating even the long strides of Kylo Ren to return to your master as quickly as you could. 

You practically fell in front of him, crashing your knee against the floor, the knight slowly kneeling behind you. You felt his confusion, but pushed it to the back of your mind, focusing instead on the fact you weren’t being punished so far for leaving without Snoke’s permission. You were back with your master. The events of the previous day forgotten, you could settle yourself back into the familiar routine.

“My young apprentice,” he breathed. “You’ve done well.” 

You felt like you could outshine the central star, heart bursting from your chest at his rare praise. Rising to his feet in front of your master, Ren briefly stated to him the success of your mission to Takodana. Snoke listened to his report intently as you stood, refusing to be left out of the picture. You probed gently at his mind when he did not mention your talk in the forest. Ren raised his mental barrier and shut you out. You pouted your lips together. Clapping his hands together once, you flinched at the loud noise as Snoke praised you both. 

“Good work. With the remaining rebels scattered across the stars, soon we will have order in the galaxy once more”, he nodded to himself. 

“As for you,” he looked down at your small figure next to Ren’s and you shrank under his gaze. He smiled. “You needn’t fear. You are free to leave the Supremacy to carry out missions alongside Ren. It pleases me to see you both working together so well.”

You swallowed and thanked him as he motioned you both to leave, seemingly finished entertaining. Bowing low and turning sharply, you followed the black figure towards the turbolift, smiling behind your mask the entire way. Your cheeks strained with the unfamiliar motion.

Back in the elevator, Ren removed his helmet, tucked it under his arm, and looked down at you. You glanced up, noticing that his hair was, once again, plastered to his forehead. You wondered why he didn’t put it up out of the way. A touch of an unreadable emotion crossed his face and he raised one hand and rubbed the heel of his palm across his brow, dragging the wet hairs back into place. He sniffed and glanced at you again.

“I thought you were going to implode back there.” 

You did too. Being far away from Snoke was both the fear of absence, and the promise of freedom. It had been like a little piece of your soul was missing, and now you had seen him again, you could return to the land of the living. Not only that, he had awarded you some freedom. Nothing like you had before. Ren would be there of course, but you could at least get off the Supremacy. 

You shrugged at him and turned your eyes down, checking the emitter of your saber again, cursing as it wobbled and once more threatened to fall off. Ren’s head twisted and he held his leather clad hand out, asking silent permission. 

Nobody else had ever touched your saber, not even Snoke. It was the only thing in the world that you considered truly belonging to you, having made it and bonded to it yourself. Your possessive grip tightened on the hilt momentarily before you caught the flash of hurt that briefly passed in the knight’s eyes. Your breath hitched and you felt a lump in your throat. You swallowed. Gritting your teeth, you held out your prized possession to the knight, watching him tensely as he rolled the metal in his gloved hands.   
“You know this could have killed you at any time, right?”

You rolled your eyes. “Yes. I was waiting for a chance to go planet side and pick up a new emitter.”

Ren withheld a smirk, seriousness plastered on his face. “Where have you been the last fifty years? You can’t just pick up lightsaber parts at a flea market.” 

You grumbled. In truth, you had no idea where one ‘picked up’ anything, having spent most of your life in isolation on a planet you didn’t even know the name of. He looked back down to the saber, rotating his wrist and bringing the hilt closer to his face, eyes narrowing and searching the length of the weapon. “I have the parts you need for this on the Finalizer”, he stated, passing your weapon back to you, voice deprived of emotion. 

You grabbed it possessively, holstered it back on your belt and then resumed standing with your arms crossed as you waited for your level. Ren copied you, eyes focused forwards as you braced. 

You felt like you had recently eaten a large brick, which was slowly sinking through your intestines all the way down to your lower gut. You lifted the muzzle on your helmet and turned minutely to look at the knight, who copied the motion, looking back at you from the corner of his eye. You watched his apple bob in his throat as he swallowed thickly. Your mouth opened as you felt like you couldn’t get any air, the brick in your stomach suddenly rising up and lodging its way into your throat; you felt like you might vomit at any moment. 

You were sure you had never seen the knight move so fast, as the elevator doors opened, and he practically fled your vision. As soon as his back was a small dark speck in the distance, the brick in your throat suddenly decided to make an appearance. As the nausea hit you again, you blanched forwards, running to your quarters and proceeding to projectile vomit across the entrance hall. It wouldn’t have been so bad, you mused, if you had managed to remove your helmet in time. 

______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

Laying the black dome on the table, you called a cleaning droid to collect your helmet whilst you showered. Your hair was matted with a mixture of vomit, sweat and blood, your shoulders aching slightly as you leaned your head back under the stream of water. Letting it cleanse your skin too felt so good, so pure, after the slaughter on Takodana. You gazed at the floor, absently running your hand across the back of your neck, watching the water turn yellow and pink as the remainder of the filth was washed from your body, escaping down the drain as if it had never existed. 

Drying your hair with a small towel, you stepped out of the refresher, glad of the steam on the mirror shielding you from your own reflection. Sitting naked and dripping wet on your cot, you threw the towel on the floor, casting your eyes out of the window and over the space port underneath the ship, watching the stormtrooper transport shuttles ferry warriors between star destroyers. You absently picked at the fresh scab along your arm, nail flicking upwards and pulling it as it was slowly lifted from your skin. Your still damp hair sent single droplets tracing the curves of your spine and collected on the thin sheets below.

The past few days had been revolutionary for you. You’d never known life could be quite so exciting as this. 

Here on the Supremacy, close to your master, able to see him in person whenever he wished, you felt at home. Just knowing he was there helped you feel at ease. And best of all, Snoke hadn’t been angry with you at your departure, actually bestowing more freedom upon yourself. Even if it were just to follow Ren and his knights across worlds, destroying and killing, at least you would have a purpose again. You had felt so useless before. What even was the point of you if you couldn’t work? Couldn’t leave any significant impact for your Master. You watched the blood trickle down your arm, red the same colour of the first order insignia, slowly trailing down to your index finger and dripped a solitary droplet onto the floor. 

Your thoughts turned to Kylo Ren, the other apprentice. Although broody and difficult to read, he had proven to be trustworthy enough in your mind that you no longer had any immediate reservations about him. He had been, in your opinion, rather welcoming, in fact. Maybe it was the initial shock of your arrival which had made him so angsty. After that, well, you could only guess. He seemed to enjoy training with you at least. He wasn’t much of a sparring partner for you, much too easily beaten. But it was a new aspect of training for you, teaching someone else their weaknesses. Whenever Ren outmanoeuvred you, or dodged an attack, you felt a strange feeling in your stomach. It was pride, partly; Ren was improving, and it was because of training with you. But also, bitterness. You were essentially training your replacement. Snoke had told you both that he wanted you to work together, but just what did that mean? 

The rule of two. One master, one apprentice. That was the very reason Snoke had put you into Cryofreeze in the first place. So why now, did he seem to relish the thought of having two apprentices? Something didn’t sit right with you. 

Instead of dwelling, you cast your mind back to the forest. You could practically smell the tree sap and smell of burning oil. Still feel the warmth of Ren’s fingertips against your own. See every amber fleck in his eyes, count every seam in his tunic. 

You weren’t new to force memory connections, having years of experience with them during your training with Snoke, but you yourself had never been able to master it. Seems there was something Ren was better than you at. Him showing you his own memories was quite something. Having them extracted was easy enough, but willingly surrendering them to another? 

It was almost…kindness. 

No, you thought sharply, not kindness. 

Pity. 

Yesterday had given you a lot to consider and had been emotionally draining, as if you were exercising muscles in your brain you didn’t know you had. You lifted your arm up to your mouth, tongue darting out and licking the blood clean from the now opened wound above your elbow. You licked the partly dried blood trail along your forearm to your fingers. The metallic taste was sharp, but good, leaving a dull pink stain behind. 

Your eyes closed, hand dropping back into your lap and you inhaled and exhaled a long, drawn out hum. You opened yourself up to the force around you and gently fell into meditation, trying desperately to detach yourself from the sinking feeling that was growing once again in the pit of your stomach.

______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

A low beeping from your holopad disturbed you a few hours later. Stretching your limbs out, you reached over to see an incoming transmission from Ren. He wanted to train with you. Checking the droid port near the door, you were unhappy to see your helmet was still gone. You quickly typed a message that your training would have to wait, but you would be there as soon as you could. Tardiness was not acceptable.

Standing up from the sticky damp sheets on your cot, you dressed in your dark under tunics, donned your gloves and boots, and wrapped thick training bandages around your neck, then your face. Twice. A quick glance in the mirror told you it was enough, and you left your quarters, heading straight for the nearest droid port a few paces down the hall. Typing a quick directive at the command console, you enquired as to the whereabouts of your helmet. A few moments later, the droid at the other end of the service line replied that it would be returned within the hour. Sighing, you hung up, and returned to your chambers to wait. 

As the door opened and you ducked inside, you glanced down to see the droid port opening from the outside not a second later, much faster than promised. Crouching down, you opened the internal hatch to see your helmet, polished to a gleam, and no longer filled with vomit. In fact, you’d never seen it look so good. Smiling, you slipped the dome onto your head. It smelled like the inside of a new spacecraft, and you quickly put on the rest of your armour. You felt whole again. 

You checked your reflection in the mirror before you left. They really had done a number on it. The vents at the front were so shiny you could see another miniature helmet reflected in them. The angled V-shaped cut outs above and below your eyes were scrubbed to within an inch of their lives. Even your visor had been polished. It probably hadn’t been cleaned properly in twenty years. Your chest swelled as you left your quarters, marching off to find Ren.

When you arrived at the training room a minute later, you were aware of faint grunting noises coming from within. Opening the door, you narrowly missed being beheaded by a training droid which had been thrust screaming your way. You looked down at the battered creature and watched with mild curiosity as the artificial life force within fizzled and died, like a blown out candle.

“I didn’t think you were coming”, the knight said from inside, tossing his lightsaber between his hands. 

You used your boot to kick the ex-training droid out of your way before stepping inside, closing the door behind you and removing your blaster, placing it dutifully on the floor. You didn’t know why you even bothered wearing the kriffing thing anymore. 

Not wishing to remind him that he often left you waiting for hours, you shrugged and began to stretch your calf, leaning back on your heel and resting your weight on your alternate knee. You glanced upwards to observe the knight. 

Once again without his helmet, the knights ever sweaty forehead creased as he took you in, breathing heavily from his workout. The training droids retreated, flying back to the port in the ceiling, surviving for another day. His eyes narrowed as he took you in, squinting and taking a step closer. 

“What kept you?”

You blinked slowly from within. “Droid problems.”

“Oh.” 

He waited for you to elaborate, twisting his saber between his fingers. He seemed…almost nervous. Looking down at his boots, he spoke again.

“You don’t talk much, do you?”

Sighing, you crossed the room, stopping to stand an arms-length away opposite Ren, arms folded over your chest. Ren looked back up as you approached, shifting his weight between his feet. You watched his breathing slow, and waited to reply until his breathing no longer seemed like effort. His dark, hooded eyes flickered across your visor and for once, you wished he could see inside it to hold your eye contact. Not looking people in the eye when you spoke was very irritating at times. 

“There’s not much to talk about besides our missions”, you answered. 

His lips pouted slightly. “I disagree.” 

You cocked your head and considered him, unprepared, sucking and chewing on your inner cheek. 

“Then let’s talk after.”

Igniting your blade at the same time as you spoke, thrusting your right arm forwards, you lunged for him, his face an expression of surprise as he dodged out of the way, mouth open, his hand reaching around with his own saber. Your blades clashed, sparks flying and skidding across the floor as you parried and sparred. He brought his blade over you with a devastating blow and you raised your saber above your head to block him. It was incredibly difficult to push against him over your head, back bent at an uncomfortable angle. He snarled and leaned his weight into you more. 

You lived for these training sessions with Ren. They were unlike anything you’d ever known. To be fiercely duelling with a strong opponent, constantly on your toes for fear he might get a decent strike in, made your heart sing with excitement. This was the closest thing to pleasure you knew. 

You drew your blade along the length of his, twirling on one foot and sending the power of his attack spinning off to the side. Stepping backwards, you gave him space. You preferred working him up close, not allowing him to get full use of his powerful swing. Seeing the gap you permitted him, he hesitated, sensing the trap. 

Well, shit. Seems the man was learning after all. 

He darted to the right of you, completely closing the distance in a single stride and sweeping in with a finishing blow to your unguarded side. He took you completely by surprise; a man of his stature moving at that speed? You watched in slow motion as the blade drew around, your own just missing it. Too slow to effectively block, instead you redirected the blow upwards. His swing continued on, slicing up just past your arm and through your shoulder pad, sending it flying off in two clean parts to the other end of the room.   
You glanced down at your missing shoulder pad, the fabric of your tunic singed open and you growled at him. He flinched away as you raged towards him. You couldn’t believe you’d allowed him to get that close. Stalking forwards, you brought your saber above your head, meeting his as he raised it in front with two hands to block your swing. You let go of your saber with one hand, and used the other to thrust into his stomach, palm splayed. He staggered backwards, bent in half and winded. 

Still panting, you lowered your saber and deactivated it. 

You hated it. Hated him. 

Taking a few steps backwards without turning your back on Ren, you gathered up the broken pieces of your shoulder pad and stuffed them into the back of your belt.   
The knight stood, grasping his stomach with one hand, deactivating his own saber with the other. He watched you, chest heaving, as you gathered up your armour. You paused and considered him for a moment, raising one hand to your neck and yanked it to the side, cracking sound reverberating off the walls. 

But it wasn’t over yet. 

You advanced on him again, drawing your right hand back and landing a swift punch on his pectoral muscle, leaning your entire weight into it. You had expected him to step backwards, or at least flinch. But the muscle in his cheek twitched as he looked down at you, fist still connected with his armoured chest which he had braced against the impact. His gloved hand covered your own and held you in place as he stooped. 

You looked up, fully prepared to headbutt him and time stopped.

He was crowding forwards, filling your whole vision, nose just touching your helmet, eyes an inch from your visor. His breath fogged against the cool metal of your mouthpiece, and you held your breath. 

You had never been able to see the face of another in such detail before. Your eyes wandered over every wrinkle, every pore in his skin. You saw the smallest beauty marks and the puckered skin around the lightly faded scar that cut through his eyebrow and cheek. He had a small spot forming in the crook of his nose, and his lips looked dry and cracked. His eyebrows drew together, and you found yourself looking at his dark iris. He had deep bags under his eyes, lack of sleep apparent in the purple colouration. Then, your eyes locked with his, but it felt different this time. Strange, in fact. 

Another moment passed, then you realised why.

He could see through your visor. 

His eyes found your own, slightly narrowed, pupils dilated to let in light as he peered through the black-tinted screen. They widened minutely as he realised you were looking back and you jerked yourself away from him, ripping your hand from his grasp, clenching your fist in the other hand and rubbing your sore knuckles. You berated yourself for punching him with the knuckles that were still sore from the day before. 

That’s why he had let you come in close. He had anticipated your attack and hadn’t even been phased by your punch at all. He held up both hands in mock surrender and you narrowed your eyes at him. 

“I’m sorry. I was curious.”

“You know what that does to cats”, you muttered, looking down and flexing your fingers. You could feel your ears heating up.

“Hmm.” He agreed, rubbing his chest with one hand and gazing off into the distance. “That did hurt though.”

You faced him, searching him for any signs that he wasn’t being truthful. 

He inclined his head and pursed his lips together. He did this, you noted, usually when he wanted you to say something. Funny, the little things you could pick up on, spending time with people. Hux also had a funny habit of lifting his chin when he spoke, trying to appear higher. You chuckled to yourself. That man had a serious power complex.  
Ren smirked, taking his leave and retreating to the far wall. You ambled after him, still annoyed with yourself. 

Sitting on the floor, he leaned back against the durasteel wall, and already you could see steam on it from his sweat. Remembering yourself and gathering whatever dignity you could muster, you sat opposite him, crossed your legs and lay your hands flat on your thighs. Ren raised an eyebrow at you. 

You looked at him, gauging his sincerity to converse with you. His demeanour betrayed no deception or hidden motives. The tension in the air was palatable. Having flitted between tranquillity, elation, rage, and anxiety multiple times over the past 24 hours, you were barely holding on to the last threads of your own sanity. Ren glanced at your hands as you rubbed your thumbs over the seams of your index fingers and he spoke. 

“Who are you?”

______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

It was such a simple question. 

In simple terms, you could only call on the names you had been called by others over the years. You were an assassin. The student of a Sith lord. A nobody with no past and no future. No legacy to call your own. The only legacy you would create was for your master, as he made a new order to the shuffling mediocrity of existence. You were his executioner in the battle against chaos. You knew exactly who you were. 

So why was it so difficult to form the words?

Ren continued to stare at you during your silence, hoping for a movement, a sound, anything to show him you weren’t completely ignoring him. You began to process the thoughts into speech. As you spoke, neither of you moved a muscle. You watched a drop of sweat form, then fall on Ren’s brow, before he wiped it away idly.

“I am the unnamed. First apprentice of Supreme Leader Snoke.” 

He nodded for you to continue. You swallowed, unsure what else to say. 

“I know only the life my master has given me. He...I suppose, what you would call, raised me.”

Ren’s face gave nothing away as you spoke. You hated that.

“I live for my master.” You stated, then paused. “I will fall on my sword should he so command it. And now - “, you inclined your head, “- I will live and die for you, too, as is his wishes.”

You stopped, allowing the weight of your words to cross the space between you. They reached Ren’s ears and his eye twitched, his shaky inhale the only indication he had heard you. It was a strange feeling, a mixture of anticipation and relief. You waited for Ren to give you an indication of a response. You were almost certain that was how conversation worked.

Slowly, Ren’s shoulders slid a bit further down the wall, folding his arms across his chest, eyes wandering to a spot in the distant corner of the room. You attempted to read his thought process, anything to gauge what he was thinking, but his guard was up, denying you visibility. You could only feel his heat, pulsing steadily from him, clouding his aura in a subtle glow. 

The wait for him to speak was agonisingly slow. At long last, he brought a single hand up to his mouth, leather-clad digit absently stroking his bottom lip. It was the same thoughtful motion that Snoke made, you noticed.

“I had wondered if there were others before me.” He mused, as you silently exhaled the breath you had been holding. His eyes darted back to your visor. “You’re human, then?”

You nodded. Just about, the voice in your head sneered. 

He hummed his acknowledgement, hands returning to his lap as he stared into your visor, “And you trained with Snoke? How long?”

“Always”, you murmured. “Only him.”

He was quiet for a minute. You weren’t sure how to proceed, but you weren’t entirely sure how comfortable you were with his probing either. 

“Quid pro quo” you stated as he opened his mouth to speak again. He closed it, pouting slightly and nodded. 

“How did Snoke find you?” You leaned forwards, eager to answer a question of your own. 

He rested one hand on the floor beside him and scratched at his chin. “It’s a long story. He was in my head for years before I joined the knights.” His eyes glazed over with a distant memory. He finished scratching his chin and moved that hand to the floor the other side. “He helped me see that the path I was going down wasn’t right for me. I belonged to the dark side.” 

You focused on a single point in his answer.

“You said path you were on…you weren’t always trained as a Sith?”

“No.”

You paused, processing the information. He straightened one leg, lying it straight out parallel to you, obviously cramping from the position he was sat in. Considering your reaction, he asked if you were. 

“I’ve only ever known darkness”, you spoke softly. “It calls to me, sometimes.” 

You didn’t know much about the light side, but it didn’t matter. The light side was for peacekeepers and martyrs. The light side was weak. Weakness got you killed, you thought loudly, projecting the thought out to the knight before you. He hummed an agreement and nodded thoughtfully. 

“It’s part of us. We can’t fight our destiny.”

Cocking your head at the knight, you watched him continue to ponder, now lost in his own mind. You felt so incredibly relaxed around him, and you were still trying to understand why. Perhaps because you knew you could overpower him in a fight, or because he was now a figure of support in your life, much like Snoke. Unlike your master however, your relationship wasn’t built on years of abuse. He had actually earned your trust.

And that scared you more than anything.


	8. Repression

Weeks had passed since your endeavours on Takodana, and though the memory lingered you decided not to dwell. Time spent recalling countless nameless victims did nothing to aid your irredeemable soul. 

Swinging your left leg over the edge and kicking it back and forth, you sat up in your nest, head rested back against the wall, eyes shut, listening to the gentle clacking sound as the strap around your calf clicked against the metal. It was still dark, the low lighting of the sleep-cycle still in effect. You had been in your perch since the night before, your desire to sleep completely erased by the 2-day long meditation you had endured. As time passed, more and more officers attended the bridge. You heard the tell-tale slapping of regulation boots along the polished floor. You smiled before you had even opened your eyes, peering down to see General Hux storming his way to the command console. You watched with lazy interest as he strode to the command console and tried his utmost to look as intimidating as possible.

The general was still a bit twitchy around you. He was probably still trying to figure out where you fit into his grand plan. Although not interested in him on a personal level, you knew that you had to be more attentive to the General. He was, after all, carrying out the will of the Supreme Leader. In many ways, he was just as much an orchestrator of his commands as yourself. 

You knew he had his own agenda, but so did you. And today, that involved passing some time before your next endeavour. Swinging your right leg down and sliding your butt over the edge, you silently dropped onto the walkway from above, between Hux and the doors, and a female officer shrieked as you almost landed on her. Her paperwork made a loud whoosh and rustle as she dropped it, and you stalked away before Hux could register your disturbance, paper flying everywhere like white birds. You were certain if you looked around, you would see his blue eyes narrow and pierce your back. 

You walked for a few minutes, disregarding the awful attempts at salutes which were thrown your way. Your boots made no sound as you tread along the long corridors as a phantom, sticking to the sides as much as possible. 

Finally, you reached the central walkway on the Supremacy. You glanced to your left, then your right, then straight ahead. You were alone. The ship was so incredibly huge, that even full of people you could find yourself completely isolated like this. Able to sense anyone passing nearby, you had no issue with proceeding to sit cross-legged in the middle of the corridor, closing your eyes, and calling on your connection to the force. You inhaled gently, filling your lungs and slowly drew out your exhale, feeling the breath leave your body. 

Every living thing gave off a force signature. Some were stronger than others, living life with untapped potential they would never be aware of. Others were very faint, especially down in the med bay. You could sense the weak pulsing and dying of force energy as various lifeforms below you gave in to their mortal wounds. It gave you a strange feeling of peace. All life returned to the force in the end, all energy only borrowed. 

Snokes own force signature was muted greatly by not only his sheer willpower, but also the suppression in the metal lining of the walls in the lower levels. You could sense him if you focused, but his very presence made you want to look away. Like there was a suggestion of his aura that you didn’t want to be near him, triggering your fight or flight response. You shivered, withdrawing from him, and cast your mind elsewhere, searching for Ren. 

You could sense him very faintly. He wasn’t on the lower levels with Snoke, but rather his energy was coming from the other side of the Supremacy. Even at this vast distance, you could make out the subtle traces of orange in his signature. He felt…anxious?

No, not anxious. The crease appeared between your eyebrows as you focused on him. 

Sad.

Committing the force signature to memory, you decided to take the most direct route. Instead of following the turbolifts up and then traipsing through an endless maze of corridors, you used the force to pull the opening from a nearby droid port. 

Crouching down and cramming your small frame inside was a job in itself, but once through to the other side, you found it opened up into a rather manageable passageway, albeit a narrow one. Tubes and vents lined the walls and ceiling, delivering essential oxygen and hydro molecules to the recycled air. As you walked forwards, small mouse droids whinged and steered around your boots, entering various access ports along the bottom of the walls to transport supplies and run errands. It was an efficient system, allowing the droids and technicians access to all parts of the ship without littering the corridors too much. Each passage you could see ran parallel to a corridor below it. The First Order liked things looking presentable on the surface, after all. 

Your footfalls sounded heavy on the durasteel meshed flooring, and you didn’t like the echoing they made along the tight passage. Following the force signature in your mind, you took various twists and turns, ducking underneath large pipes and traversing electrical mainframe supports to cross vast canyons deep inside the ship. It was a whirlwind, you thought, and made a mental note to come back through this way again and train. 

Going by the gradual ache in your calves from traversing such dangerous terrain, you calculated you had been walking for a little over an hour. You paused for a moment, rolling your ankle and leaning your shoulder against a warm pipe. Placing your foot back down, you removed your hand, rubbing your fingers together and observing the tiny droplets of steam. Taking a breath, you continued to march along, kicking a mouse droid out of the way for good measure as you passed. Your intrigue with the little creatures had been worn thin, and after almost tripping on them a few times, you were just about ready to get your saber out. You smiled to yourself as you heard its pitiful beeps of protest. 

Another left turn and you were in a vent system similar to that which was on the bridge. You could see below you a pair of officers, muttering to each other in a language that wasn’t basic as they marched along the corridor. How unusual. 

You took a deep inhale to steady yourself, legs burning from the constant weaving around and heart hammering from…something you didn’t recognise. You crouched down, trying to work out where exactly you were. Sticking your visor against the mesh flooring, you could see the edges of a console around the corner. You figured you were either in translations, or at the secondary bridge. Curse these star ships for all sporting the same dull matching consoles; it was almost impossible for you to navigate based on your surroundings alone.

Propping yourself upright, you sat back on one leg, resting on your heel. You absentmindedly rubbed the bottom of your boot with one hand, picking out a piece of metal which had wedged between the treads, planning your next move. You had successfully moved from one side of a thirteen thousand metre ship without using a main corridor and avoided detection by any human staff. That was impressive by any means.

You brought your hand up to wipe a dirty mark from your visor and pondered your next move. You hadn’t actually stopped to think why you were so intent on finding the knight. You figured you might just offer him to train again; it had been a few days after all. In the back of your mind, you told yourself that wasn’t enough. Prepared saber skills sessions in a training room were miles from the training you had endured during your apprenticeship with Snoke. Your eyes glazed over momentarily as you remembered the last training session you’d had before you were put into cryofreeze. 

A thought formed in your head, one you weren’t quite sure whether to act upon or not. You chewed the inside of your cheek and weighed up your idea. You were quite enjoying sneaking around the ship. It made you feel powerful to traverse around undetected. An unwelcome flashback to the assassination of a political leader took you by surprise, and you silently cringed as you recalled the look of surprise on his face as his head was removed from his body. You flexed your fingers and shook your head, attempting to focus.   
Reaching out with the force energy around you, you used your minds eye to discover happily that you were almost above the knight’s temporary quarters. He wasn’t based on the supremacy after all; the Finalizer was his base. The suppression metal that lined the walls was the same as Supreme Leader Snoke’s, explaining why the knight was hard to detect with the force alone. 

And it would also mean it would be hard to sense you from inside. 

You gently pushed down on your force energy. It was difficult, and you strained with the effort. Your forehead scrunched up, sweat streaking down your face under your helmet, fighting to keep your force energy under control. It took a few minutes, but you eventually felt yourself calming down. You weren’t sure if it was working, but you felt oddly disconnected. Like you were viewing your body from the outside, looking down at yourself. Dissociating hard, you drew on yourself to focus. You snapped your fingers together, the noise bringing you back into the present. 

Getting to your hands and knees with fresh determination, you crawled through the tight-fitting tunnel straight ahead of you, running parallel with the corridor beneath. You could sense yourself getting closer to the knight, the musky orange smell of his force signature consuming your senses. Your shoulders hurt from the discomfort on the long traverse through droid tunnels, and it was almost too much strain as you fell into a large pit grate. It was small, but just big enough to stand up in, with various small vents leading away from you into darkness. You could hear your heartbeat, pounding like the sea as blood flowed loudly in your ears, going slightly light-headed as you righted yourself to your full height. 

Dropping down to the next level in the grate, you could see a dimly-lit room below you. It was the usual dark metal and bright white illumination panels, and as you peered through the slats you could make out a black hooded figure; Ren. The grate caused white stripes to shine on your visor as you gazed down, breath gentle, movements subtle and soft. He was talking to himself; you could sense no other beings in the room. You couldn’t hear his words due to the fan next to you, which was circulating the air, but you saw him stand to leave the room a few moments later. 

Your brain worked quickly, eyes flashing around, judging the distance between the vents and the room you watched the figure disappear into, mapping out the system in your brain. This sneaking around was more familiar to you than anything. This was your living. Excitement threatened to tarnish your movements, but you remained in control. 

You moved quickly but silently, stepping from your heel to your toe using the side of your boot so as not to make a sound. It was clear to you that your attempt at force suppression was working, as Ren hadn’t made any move to acknowledge your presence. Being this close to him, almost able to reach out and touch him without him knowing you were there, was thrilling. Your hands trembled with adrenaline as you made your way around the vented grate above him. He was masked, breathing markedly loud and deeply modified. You silently wondered if he ever got tired of hearing his own breath.

From above, through the inch-wide slits in the grate, you could almost see yourself in the reflection of his helmet. He stood in the centre of the room, characteristically balling his fists and inclined his head. You stopped breathing. For a moment, you thought he could sense you, failure costing you a great amount of dignity. Sweat dripped down your neck, and your toes curled inside your boots. You could feel the tension headache slowly spreading behind your eyes. 

It was far too much effort keeping your force supressed, you decided. It was like being underwater. You were cut off from the rest of the world, experiencing it as if encased in glass, sounds muted and sensed dulled. The silence in your head was no compensation for being excluded in such a way. This was how it felt to not be force sensitive. You pitied the ungifted creatures of the universe, never being able to experience the living breathing universal flow of energy that surrounded you.

You plan had fallen into motion without a hitch. It wasn’t a bad plan, albeit a simple one. It wouldn’t actually accomplish anything, other than prove a point to Ren, and answer a question you had. 

Inside his quarters, he was alone. He wouldn’t be expecting anymore to just turn up unannounced. The only force energy he could sense was his own. Even you had to meditate just to sense him inside here. He had been getting more arrogant recently, cocky in your fights. After his little stunt with your visor, he seemed to think he had one-up on you.   
So to pass the time, you just wanted to show him how wrong he was.

You watched him for a moment as he stood in silence, then he marched to a holopad on the wall and began typing out a message in aurebesh. His leather clad fingers made gentle pad-pad-pad sounds at they came into contact with the device. Perfect cover. 

Removing the bolt on the grate was easy enough. You tucked it into your pocket and gently lowered it down, allowing it to swing gently on its hinges. If Ren turned around, he would see the grate hanging open, and the game would be over. You gripped the edges of the roof panel and dipped forwards, lowering yourself into the room, still repressing your force energy as much as you could. You let go and made a low thump as you hit the ground. Your eyes never leaving Ren’s back, you waved your fingers dexterously in the air, the grate sealing shut once again, the bolt flying from your pocket and securing it in place. Taking a silent step forwards, you finally lifted the lid on your force energy, allowing it to once again dominate your senses. The world sprang into high definition, your eyes sharp and fingers tingling.

He didn’t react immediately. You heard a few more tapping sounds before his finger hovered over the button without pressing. He turned slowly, lowering his hand to his saber hilt and touching it with the tips of his fingers. 

You admitted, you had thought about knocking him out, perhaps just running off with his favourite pair of gloves. But as you felt the shock exhumed by the knight as he took in the sight of you stood before him, seemingly appearing from nowhere, you decided that it was worth it. He remained motionless, and you continued to stand, quietly observing him. 

“You’re…”, he began, turning his head to better his view of your visor, “…shielding?”

You nodded. A pause. 

“Hmm.” He murmured, taking a threatening step towards you. 

You slowly moved your right hand to touch the hilt of your saber; a warning. He removed his hand from his own saber and dropped it back down to his side. 

“Why?”

You turned your face away from his and gazed around the room, feigning boredom. 

“Because I can.”

He cast his gaze up and down your body, the defined edges of his helmet cutting into the contrasting background of white light on the wall.

“How did you get in?”

You raised your chin. His gaze drew up to the ceiling above your head and stayed there a moment. You felt slightly disappointed at his reaction. Next time you would definitely knock him out. Sighing loudly enough to insult him, you took a large step forwards, bringing yourself almost level with the knight. His head moved inch by agonisingly slow inch downwards, until he was looking down at you again. You tried not to think about the last time you had been this close and racked your brain for your reason for seeking him out. He surprised you by asking first. 

“Are you up for some training today? Or does your busy schedule not permit it”, he asked mockingly. 

You angled your head the tiniest amount before replying. 

“I’ve always got time to beat you, Apprentice”, you answered in a pleasant tone. 

You could feel his smirk. It wasn’t something you could visibly seen on his face; the helmet didn’t allow that. But you could sense it in his aura. It was difficult to explain. Like trying to read someone’s facial expression using only their eyes. You sidestepped around Ren, marching through the large doors and heading back across the ship, sly smile across your face the entire walk back. 

_____________________________________________________________________________________________________

Ren was late. 

Again. 

You made a mental note to tell him for the future the correct time was an hour before you wanted to start, that way he might be on time for once. 

The trio of spherical training droids hovered around the room, miniature blasters aimed and ready. You stood in stance, saber ignited behind you, stripped bare of all but your basic clothes and helmet. The less you wore, the more freely you could move. Basic principal. Your belt, including lightsaber and blaster holster, was draped neatly over your cloak on the floor by the doorway. Your armour lay in various small piles nearby, ready to be adorned once Ren arrived. 

Tiny sounds of steam being released told you that the training droids were gearing up to attack again. You listened intently, ready to react.

Focus. 

One of the droids circled behind you, making low humming noises. It fired, and you whipped your hand behind you to deflect the blast. It almost caught the droid, which flew out of the way last second. You had to admit, the droids were certainly a step up from the old battle droids you had used years before. These ones could take a hit, as well as deliver and dodge them. 

Another hissing sound and the two in front of you fired as one, twin green bolts spearing through the air. You flipped, the bolts narrowly missing, and landed neatly on one knee, eyes instantly back up and watching them again. You heard Snoke’s voice in your ear, telling you to anticipate the next attack.

They circled you, preprogramed to behave as organic lifeforms. You had to admit it unnerved you slightly, watching artificial beings do make believe battle. Your sensitive ears picked up the sound of chatting officers walking past, and for a split second, your hand dropped by millimetres. 

A small motor kicked in on all three droids, and they made their move, all buzzing around you at a dizzying pace, firing bolts every other second. They worked flawlessly together, each one completely in sync with the other. You pondered as the world moved in slow motion, twisting and snaking around the bolts of energy. This was what Snoke wanted, wasn’t it? The same gel-like fluidity and synchronisation between you and Ren. You could admire the efficiency. But these were droids. You can’t programme organic lifeforms in the same way, could you? 

A blaster bolt grazed your inner thigh, sending shooting pain across the skin. You grimaced and glanced down to see the glowing edges of the burned hole in your attire, swearing aloud. 

Focus. 

You moved like one possessed, pirouetting and flipping, performing inhuman acts of agility to navigate around the droids. You somersaulted over one droid and planted the back of your heel on top of it, driving it into the ground with a satisfying crunch. You removed your boot as sparks flew, the mess of electrics inside now on show. The other two droids buzzed furiously, suddenly hurtling towards you at an alarming rate. 

Planting your back foot, you called your force energy into the palms of your hands, feeling it muster and swirl of your skin like a living object. It fed from the anguish and frustration in your heart and felt like a tiny hurricane in your hands. Just as the droids prepared to impact, you yelled and thrust your hands outwards in a broad sweep, sending the droids careening into the back walls where they impacted and exploded into a thousand parts. 

As the sparks and bits of droid cascaded down the walls in a shower of light, you stood at ease. Lolling your head backwards, you caught your breath, flexing your fingers at your sides. The hissing of the doors opening drew your attention away from the small fire currently enveloping the droid carcasses. Ren stepped inside, pausing as he observed the carnage. You retreated from the centre of the room, pushing the access panel next to the droid port and calling for a service droid to clear up the mess.

“I can feel it.”

You turned to face the knight, who remained motionless, still staring at the indentation in the wall where the droids had hit. You didn’t answer, instead dropping your visor down to observe your boots. There was a scuff on the front of your left boot, you noticed. That would need attention.

You heard his footfalls echo off the walls as he drew nearer. An almost inaudible hiss betrayed the removal of his helmet, as did the low grunt he made. He drew closer, and just as his boots came into your vision, he stopped. You took a moment, then raised your head. 

“What?” You asked him, meeting his gaze.

His almond eyes searched your visor, and you had that grumbling feeling in the pit of your stomach again. Like you were going to be sick. You prayed to each and every deity that you would keep your stomach content where it belonged. 

“You -” he paused. “You’re angry.”

“Hm.” You confirmed, holding his gaze. You studied the deep bags under his eyes and wondered not for the first time if he was getting enough sleep. The discolouration of his pale face made you inclined to think not. You clenched your fists together, palms itching from the force energy you had accumulated there. 

Ren cast his eyes down to your hands briefly, then back up to your helmet. He held his own hands out in front of him, flexing his fingers before gripping them closed tightly. His eyes closed briefly, and he spoke gently without meeting your gaze. 

“I felt it.”

You tried to get your head around the meaning of what he was saying, but you felt too exhausted to care. Turning your back to the knight, you walked to the far wall and leaned your back against it. Rubbing your hands together, you continued to attempt to dispel the tingling sensation in your palms to no success. 

Ren dropped his hands and followed you, coming to a stop just an arm’s length away. Your cheek twitched, but you said nothing, continuing to rub. 

The silence deafened you after the ringing of the blasters left your ears. Ren left you by the wall to put his helmet and cloak down next to your own. You stared absently down at your hands, lost in thought and stifled a yawn by crushing your molars together. You weren’t just physically worn down by the exercise. Mentally, you were drained. Force suppression was difficult, even for a skilled force wielder. You felt like your brain had been put through a blender. Not for the first time that day, your mind wandered to Snoke. What would your master do if he saw you this way? You shuddered internally at the thought, a thousand violent scenarios flashing through your head.

“You didn’t use your saber?”

The sound of Ren’s voice snapped you back into the present. You jerked up to see him looking down at your saber on the pile of effects by the door. 

“Oh. No, not today.”

He considered it a moment longer before glancing over his shoulder at you. His face looked relaxed now, and from this distance he didn’t look so tired. His mouth turned downwards. 

“Impressive.”

You blinked slowly, unsure if he was serious. 

“…Why?”

He turned so the rest of his body was facing you, a deep shade of black against the contrasting white on the wall behind him. Crossing his arms, he brow furrowed, and he dipped his chin. 

“Because you just took out three high-grade training droids with no weapon.”

Now it was your turn to be confused. Crossing your arms, you tilted your head back onto the wall. 

“The force is enough.”

Ren nodded, agreeing. His eyes skimmed once more down to your lightsaber. Watching him look at it, you were surprised that you didn’t feel an urge to pull him away from it. Didn’t feel vulnerable or exposed with it at risk. Instead, you processed the current thought flowing through your mind into words. 

“Snoke doesn’t train you for force combat?”

Ren closed the space between you before answering. 

“No. It comes naturally to me. But Snoke never pushed me to pursue it.”

You pouted your lips together and watched the knight’s face. It betrayed no lies. Ren stood in front of you, looking between your visor and the pile of droids which still lay singed against the other wall. 

“I wish he had.”

You made a low noise in your throat before speaking. 

“I didn’t train with a lightsaber until I had almost completed my training.” 

You paused and he pondered your words. Murmuring almost to yourself, you spoke. 

“Such a contradiction.”

Ren tapped his finger against his bicep, curling the digit around the muscle. He slowly nodded.

“I think it’s time we seek out the Supreme Leader’s guidance.” He paused. “There are obviously some things we need clarity on before we continue our training.”

You hesitated, still rubbing your palm with the thumb on the opposite hand. The itch burned now, and you didn’t like it. The thought of facing Snoke in questioning rather than service made you nervous. Why couldn’t Ren just follow instruction? Sure, there were a few differences in your training which confused you both, and a hell of a lot of questions that needed answering. Logic won over desire in your brain as always, and you snapped at the knight. 

“Supreme Leader is wise. We would be wise to follow his orders and simply work on our alliance.”

Ren looked at you, then back to the wall, where the service droids were carrying out silent tasks, removing the debris and extinguishing the small fire that still burned. His chin lifted up and his brow furrowed. You sensed he was reaching out and you tensed.

“Why do you feel afraid?”

You had never moved so fast in your life. Before the knight had fully turned his head back to face you, you were on your feet, inches from him. The muzzle on your helmet almost grazing his chest as you craned upwards, attempting to stare into his very soul in warning. You could feel the unchallenged dominance weeping from your core and surrounding you, threatening and challenging him to respond with anything other than acceptance. Tensed shoulders crowded forwards, and you stood steadfast and strong. 

The darkness hugged your figure in a murky embrace, feeding your anger which radiated from you and making the knight swallow loudly, mouth obviously dry. Time froze, and you spoke slowly, your words uncompromising. 

“I am not afraid.”

Dark pupils stared, narrowing as he looked through your visor for the second time. You watched them expand as he minutely leaned in. Droplets of vapor from his breath began to cloud your vision, fogging up your visor. You clenched your fist, hearing all the knuckles crack as you slowly drew away from him. He too, leaned back. He seemed appeased with your response, and you felt a twinge of embarrassment.

The force energy that swirled around you began to dissipate and you regained control in your moment of weakness. You chided yourself for reacting in such a childish way. Pushing past him with your shoulder, you extended your hand, summoning the lightweight saber handle into your outstretched palm. 

As you turned to Ren, you ignited your saber, the low humming drowning out all thoughts storming through your head and bringing a steady guiding hand to your mind.   
Focus.

Simplicity reigns supreme today, you thought. Your eyes bore holes into Ren’s back and you dropped into stance, bracing your knees and bringing your blade behind you.   
Ren didn’t move, still facing the wall. With his back to you, he swivelled his head, eyes glinting with malice and the tiniest smile playing at the corner of his lips. The atmosphere of the room darkened as the crimson blade ignited, red flashing in the knight’s eyes.


	9. Revelations

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> CW: 
> 
> Self-Harm in this chapter, just after the flashback.

You glared at Ren from the corner of your eye. Standing in the turbo lift, you both descended down to the belly of the ship where Supreme Leader dwelled. Snoke was never one for unscheduled meetings, you had learned that the hard way years ago. If you and Ren wanted to speak with him, you should have contacted him first. Arranged a time, planned out what you wanted to ask. Talked to each other. Communicated.

You began to fidget with your saber hilt, spinning and unscrewing the emitter. This was a ridiculous idea. What in makers name were you thinking. This was going to end in punishment, you just knew it. You glanced around at the black and white beaming walls of the elevator, wishing you were anywhere else but the steel cage plummeting you down into the beast’s lair. 

“Stop it.”

The knight turned his steel gaze to you and glanced down at your hands.

You chewed the inside of your cheek, the pain distracting you momentarily from your spiralling thoughts. You let the hilt fall back to your side, smacking you in the leg and clenched your fists, submitting to his request. The doubt settled low in your belly, subdued, but ready to emerge again at a moment’s notice. The lift juddered to a stop and the doors hissed open, bleeding red light through your visor. You felt your pupils restrict at the sudden brightness, tightening and sending momentary specks of white light into your vision.

The knight exited first, whether out of impatience to complete the task ahead, or concern for your mental wellbeing, you weren’t sure. Following behind him, you fell into step at his rear, almost hoping to be swallowed by the darkness of his cloak. The red guards lined the room, each one carrying a vicious electrified blade, ready to defend and serve as ordered. You glanced at them as you passed by.

There had been a time when you looked up to them. Now you could only view them with detestation, their very presence a reminder of a time you’d rather forget. You rubbed your shoulder, kneading the flesh beneath the fabric. Ren had gotten in a few lucky shots earlier today, and the muscle in your shoulder complained with the newly forming bruise.

As you walked closer, you could see Snoke sat upon his throne, staring daggers at both you and the knight. He appeared to you even larger than before, all 7 feet of him radiating pure power. Your fingers curled and your breath quickened as you observed your master turning his shoulders to better face his audience. 

“Well, this is unexpected”, Snoke puzzled, leaning forwards in his chair. 

He rested an elbow on his knee and brought a finger to his chin, contemplative. He no longer looked angry as you had first thought, but curious. You breathed out a silent plea and knelt next to the knight, resting your forearm on your bent knee and lowering your head. Your hands trembled in the presence of your master, so you clenched them even tighter. 

“Forgive us, Master.” 

Ren spoke for the both of you, and for the first time, you were grateful for his insolence. You raised your head after a moment to see the knight standing up before Snoke. You felt complied to remain kneeling beside Ren, fearful that any anger from your master would be directed at you and not the knight.  
Snoke let out a loud, drawn out hum. He brought his fingers away from his face and motioned towards his two students, lifting his chin up as he did so.

“I sense great unease from my apprentices’ ”, he spoke softly. “Let me see…”

Ren let out an almost inaudible grunt and you knew Snoke was breaching his mind. You deserted your eyes and used the force to sense the world around you. You saw Snoke peering through Ren’s thoughts, seeing through his mind’s eye. You watched as he observed your conversation from hours ago, snorting as he watched you knock him flat. Ren’s helmet remained unmoving throughout, the only signs of his discomfort, a mild swaying of his form. 

Snoke let out a breathy chuckle and released his hold on the knight. Ren took a long inhale and steadied himself, like he was surfacing for air. You did not move, reluctant to add anything to the conversation. 

“And you…” Snoke motioned towards you with his long fingers, “…also feel that I have not been clear?”

You swallowed audibly and stood to address your master. No sooner had your knee left the floor, you found yourself hovering a few feet from it. Your body hung in the air like a marionette, and your breath caught in your throat. You hadn’t had time to inhale, and your chest burned in anticipation of oxygen. 

You raised your head enough to see Snoke’s fingers splayed, like he was playing the piano. His wrist lay on the arm rest, and his face conveyed boredom as he hung you in mid-air. 

Ren had turned his upper body to see what was happening, pivoting on one foot. He watched you from below, and you saw the reflection of your own body floating in his visor. Now full of the knowledge that it was your Master’s hand at work and not Ren’s, you felt calmer, instinctively became a dead weight, body falling limp and putting up no resistance to your masters’ force prowess. 

“You have no idea how long it takes to train obedience like this, do you?” Snoke bragged to the knight, who continued to watch you in the air. 

You floated as if suspended by salt water, head lolled forwards, completely at the will of your master. You pulled back inside of your very soul, dissociating and observing yourself from outside of your body. Under his spell, you were nothing but a slave. Here, in his command, free will meant nothing. He could do anything to you, and you knew he enjoyed it. 

As if proving a point, he thrust his hand to the opposite wall, sending your physical form hurtling into it with a loud crash. Sparks of electrics flew and followed your body as you fell down the entire length of it. You hit a white light strip on the way down, the synthetic surface digging across your spine and you arched your back in pain, landing near the feet of a red guard. You lay unmoving, an empty shell of a creature. The guard took a step away from you, and the resumed his position.

“That kind of blind obedience was not something I ever wanted for you, my boy.” Snoke’s voice was quieter than you’d have liked, but you could still make out his words still over the ringing in your ears. Your upper spine was completely numb from the impact, but you lay still, anticipating further pain should you move without permission.

“Come here.”

The words were made for your ears, spoken louder than before. You climbed to your feet amongst a sea of broken glass, stepping forwards towards the throne. Snoke extended a yellowed finger, beckoning you. You trudged up the stairs, holding your head high and ignoring the screaming pain in your back. 

When you reached the top, Snoke stood tall, a pillar of strength. You began to kneel again, but was stopped by his hand on the chin of your helmet. You froze, hardly daring to breath, as his hand gently moved to tilt your head up. He looked at you, eyes brimming with pity, and gently stroked the side of your helmet.

“Make sure to have that seen to.” He said, voice laced with concern. 

Your heart melted in your chest at his misplaced worry for you. Such a great and powerful being was concerned with your welfare; you could hardly believe he was real sometimes. He smiled at you before dropping his hand and resuming his place on his throne. Even sat down, he was eye level with you. You bowed your head before making your way back down towards Ren, chest swollen with pride at his display of affection. 

Snoke considered you both, watching you position yourself beside the knight and regain your sense of self. The knight made a small sound to your left, as if he was trying to get your attention, which you pointedly ignored. Snoke spoke again, leaving too big a gap in between his words, drawing out his mocking tone.

“You,” Snoke shakily pointed his finger at your helmet, “were my only success. By taking your control I created the perfect solider. Fearless, loyal and undisputedly weaponised.” 

You felt like you could outshine the central star. His smile turned down into a sneer. 

“It also ruined you.” 

The distain in his voice dripped a river of contempt which then oozed into black sludge; gurgling it’s way to you and smothering you in a raw bubble of self-loathing, as the weight in your chest dropped into the pit of your stomach.

He turned his head from you, only breaking eye contact at the very last second. Ren met his gaze with strength you only wished you had at that moment. It was taking all of your nerve not to drop your gaze back down to the floor in shame. Snoke lowered his hand and addressed the knight, glancing between the two of you as he spoke.

“When I found you, Kylo Ren, you were an amalgamation of pure power and potential. Something every master only dreams of.”

Ren’s chest swelled slightly with pride at the complement, and your face flushed, heat rising into your cheeks. Snoke leaned forwards again, speaking softly, as if revealing a great secret.

“The Jedi considered emotions to be corrupting and weak, yet the Sith draw their strength from them.” 

He extended both of his hands forwards, palms up, and gestured to you both as he spoke. 

“I have everything I need right in front of me to establish the new Sith Order; control and power.” 

He sat back in his chair and brought his hands together, knotting his fingers in his lap. 

“I trust this will be the last I hear of your complaints.” 

It was a statement of fact, not a question, and Ren nodded minutely, Snoke’s impassive face revealing nothing but his enjoyment of the conflicting emotions he felt between yourself and Ren. You sensed the knight’s feelings bubbling inside him, energy signature rising until you could practically see it. You wet your lips, the scent of orange on your tongue and you inclined your head and spoke to your master.

“We are grateful to you, Master. For your council.”

Ren inclined his head and you knew he was looking at you as easily as his visor would allow without making it obvious. You bowed low, ignoring the fierce stinging in your back, hoping that the knight would for once follow your lead. Barely a moment later, Ren also lowered his head. Snoke waved his hand absently, as if shooing away an irritating insect.

“Leave.”

Not needing to be asked twice, and before Ren had even turned away from the throne, you were already fleeing towards the turbolift. 

______________________________________________________________________

Back in the relevant safety of the elevator, you and the knight rode upwards in a heavy silence that lay across your shoulders like a burden. Humiliation burned your ears and cheeks, and physically your back ached in a similar fashion. The knight beside you was dutifully quiet. You were certain he could sense the dark energy that had started to boil around you. You gently touched at Ren’s mind with your own, mentally nudging him. 

The knight inclined his head at you out of the corner of your eye, comprehending your silent acknowledgement. When he spoke, it was low and soft to your ears.

“Did he hurt you?”

For the second time since you had known him, you almost laughed. Snoke had shown great mercy on you today, something you were grateful for. Master could be so generous, you reminded yourself. His misplaced worry was the kindest treatment.

“This is nothing”, you murmured truthfully.

The knight’s helmet left your vision as he leaned backwards, and you felt his hand gently tug around at your cloak. You didn’t move, immobile with shock, suddenly hyper aware of his fingers forcibly moving the fabric away from your back and tucking it over the front of your body. Your breathing hitched in your throat, uncomfortable with the unfamiliar human contact.

“What are you – “

“- Your back.”

You rotated your neck at a sharp right angle to view the knight from your peripheral vision. His head was moving in small jerking motions, glancing across the back of your tunic at whatever he could see that was so interesting. You reached an arm around and yanked your cloak back across, covering the padding on your back and blocking the knight’s view, white hot pain shooting across your shoulders. 

“Stop it.” You demanded.

The knight looked at you with scepticism you could sense through his mask. Holding up his leather clad hand, you saw that it was tinted crimson, and wet with blood.

“You’re bleeding.”

“Oh?” you challenged.

A moment passed and he muttered something uncomprehendingly, thrusting the end of the cloak he was holding downwards, the fabric returning to cover the remaining exposed half of your back. You considered the knights’ misplaced pity. That was just what you needed, another creature worrying about you. The elevator doors opened, and you marched out into the corridor, eager to get back to your quarters and meditate. It had been a long day, and you needed to assess the physical and mental damage the day had bestowed upon you. A thickly modified voice reached you as you were a few paces from the elevator.

“He’s right, you know.”

You hesitated, pivoting on your heel, wincing at the painful movement.

“Get that seen to.” He paused. “Hangar 30. Tomorrow.”

The elevator doors closed and stole the knight away from you. 

______________________________________________________________________

Something was burning. 

The repulsive stench filled your nostrils and made you gag, reflex kicking into overdrive to try and reject the scent. Your shoulders were heaving, and you realised you were out of breath. As you became more aware, you tried searching for the source of your current discomfort. 

Glancing down, you saw the humming blade of the praetorian guard emerging from your left thigh like a giant thorn. The purple sheen crackled with static energy, cauterising the wound and causing no blood to be spilled. You made a small sound in your throat as you gagged once again, watching a small bubble of blood actually emerge from the wound and pop open with a hiss. The fabric on your leg had melted and was steadily merging with the rippling flesh that surrounded the wound, causing the stench of burning flesh and singed leather which was making you gag. 

Your mind kicked into overdrive, suddenly aware of the guard who still held the handle of the blade, right leg swinging around to catch the red creature in the side on the torso. He grunted and dropped down onto one knee, releasing his grip on the blade momentarily. Taking the opening, you braced your right leg back on the ground and thrust your left hand out, palm hitting the guard across the mouthpiece of his helmet. The guard was thrown backwards, urged by the force powers you had driven into your punch, hitting the far wall and sliding down like a drop of blood. As he crumpled to the floor, you heard a loud voice bark.

“Enough.”

Panting loudly, you turned your head and watched the other red guards’ back away from you, weapons returning to their scabbards and stepping back, standing to attention in a large semi-circle. You turned your gaze upon your master, who stood next to his throne, watching you. The dark training room made his skin look an almost normal colour, yellow robes turning a sickening shade of mustard. His upper lip curled as he looked upon you, eyes casting down to your leg. You could feel his disappointment over you like a heavy cloud. It hurt that thing in your chest.

Catching your breath, you joined his gaze on your leg. Now that the adrenaline was leaving your body, the pain was hitting hard and fast, sharp and singing through your body. The entire length of the plasma sword was driven through your thick thigh muscle, protruding a decent few inches either side. The pain was exquisite, curling your fingers and widening your eyes. You braced yourself as your body prepared to go into shock.

Clenching your teeth, you stood unmoving as Snoke stepped towards you, his feet making no sound as he trudged closer, hands behind his back. A bead of sweat on your brow attached to another nearby and formed one large droplet, streaking down the side of your face and joining again with more sweat on your upper lip. Your tongue flicked out to taste the salty residue, making a small sound as it did. Your entire leg now felt like it was on fire, every subtle movement as you balanced your weight on the opposite leg breathed fresh agony into it. 

None of which you allowed to show in your expression as Snoke eased closer to you, within touching distance now. Your head was dipped back, unable to meet his gaze without craning your neck painfully. He stood over you, every inch a superior being, looking down his sloping nose. He wrinkled it with distaste as he spoke. 

“Don’t become lax as your skills progress.” He leaned in, speaking gently, breath tickling your nose. “You’re still nothing until I say otherwise.”

You swallowed with effort, aching pain constricting your chest with almost as much ferocity as the blade in your leg. Nodding to your Master, you kept his eye contact, his pale orbs searching your own as you leaned down, reaching behind you, and gripped the handle of the blade.

He made the smallest twitching movement of his mouth; the beginnings of a smile, you realised. Seeking his pleasure far much more than your comfort, you inhaled and sharply yanked on the blade, removing it from your leg in one swift stroke. 

Pain hit you like a thousand blaster bolts and you dropped the dagger with a clatter. It reached every nerve fibre in your body and made each one stand to attention, singing in fresh agony. Tingling reached your fingers and toes, hairs standing on end as the sizzling sound of flesh reached your ears. The blood which had thickened and merged with your fabric was now ripped open, sending a fountain of blood gushing down your leg. The vicious onslaught to your senses was information overload, and you felt your anxiety creeping up, heart rate increasing and lips twitching. The smell of burning flesh and rubber invaded your nostrils again, and the last thing you saw as you faded into darkness was the pleased smile of your master, watching you collapse to the ground.

______________________________________________________________________

As soon as you hit the floor, your eyes snapped open. Hand immediately reaching for your saber, you stood and turned to attack the unseen enemy, lurching around, eyes seeking every dark corner of your room.

Your room. 

You were on the Supremacy. In your room. In the middle of the sleep cycle. Barefoot.

Dropping your stance, you dropped your saber to the floor with a clatter, bringing both your hands up to your face with a moan. You kneaded the flesh on your cheeks with your palms and rubbed your eyes, hoping to spark some signs of life. As you returned to full consciousness, you remembered your dream. Your hand fell to your left leg and you rubbed the outline of the dented, ugly scar that cratered your thigh. 

Just for once, you wished you could sleep without disruption. 

You cracked your neck and picked your saber back up, running your finger absently over the grooves and rows of metal before placing it gently on the table. Turning away, you ambled to the refresher, turning on the water for the shower and sitting on the seat of the toilet. Placing your head between your hands, you leaned your elbows on your knees and closed your eyes, listening to the sounds of the heated water impacting on the floor. The steam began to fill the room, and you inhaled deeply, the burning perspiration hitting your nostrils like tiny needles. 

Stripping the under layers from your body, you stepped into the shower, allowing the heated liquid to caress your skin. It was slightly too hot, but you soon became accustomed to it. It burned viscously at the fresh wound on your back, a reminder of your meeting with Snoke from the previous day. You inhaled through your teeth and reached behind you, rubbing the dried blood from your flesh and watching it disappear down the drain. 

As you continued to wash, you absently traced your fingers over the largest scar on your thigh, watching the tips disappear as they skimmed the innermost part of the crater where there was no longer flesh. The memory from earlier had made the edges of the puckered skin tingle with withheld sensation. The pain was real as long as it lived inside your head. 

You continued to clean yourself, lost in thought. Your mind felt like it was scrambled, still a complete mess from the day before. You felt like it had been put through a blender. Different emotions flashed through you one after the other, each one bringing a new sensation to your body. It was exhausting, and you felt your heart rate speed up with anxiety. 

Emerging from the steam, you began to towel dry in front of the mirror, unable to see your reflection because of the condensation. Running the towel over your chest and arms, you gazed around the refresher, almost in a trance. Snoke’s words from yesterday rang in your ears.

As your hand reached your bicep, a faint shiver of pain caught your attention. You glanced down at the newest scar in your collection. The blush line jutted out just above your elbow joint, acquired from shattered glass in the training room the day Ren had tried to expel his force energy. The bright pink skin was newly healed, made worse by your constant picking of the forming scab. You absently wondered just how long you could keep it visible. It was, after all, a memory you didn’t mind keeping fresh. You tucked the towel around yourself and looked around.

Reaching for the small shaving knife under the sink, you observed the blade, watching the tiny version of your own face staring back at you. The tiny face in the reflection shaded with disdain as you narrowed your eyes, bringing the knife up and watching the blade trace the creased edge of your new scar. Increasing the pressure downwards, you delved the point through the thin layer of fat and hardened new tissue, bringing a fresh bead of blood to the surface. You were taut with muscle on your bicep, so had to repeat the the motion again, another few globs of crimson liquid joined the former as you fully reopened the closed wound. 

You gasped and the blade clattered into the sink, leaving a small pink stain on the white. Your head fell backwards, eyes closed and your cheeks lifted up in a smile as you panted. The towel around your body fell to the floor and you stood, breathing in the fresh ebbs of pain which directed your thoughts.   
This was how it felt to be in control. 

Gooseflesh covered your upper arms and neck, your eyes fluttering open a few moments later to watch the slow clotting of blood on the surface. With the blood halted, the pale pink streaks down your arms were all that was left of your momentary release. You bent down to pick up the towel, back and shoulders screaming in protest, and wiped the pink streaks from your body with the rest of the water. 

Your head was now clear, focus restored from your reoccurring nightmare. You felt in control, and cleansed. Snoke could control many aspects of your life, but not this. 

Picking up fresh underclothes from the droid port and dumping in the soiled towel, you dressed in content silence. It was still very early, and since Ren had failed to tell you what time to be at the hangar, you decided it was worth your while to just wait in the docking bay until he showed. 

You pulled on your boots, locking the clasps into place and finished wrapping fresh bandages around everywhere that needed covering. Chest now bound, you attached your chest plate, locking it in place in a similar fashion. The pressure made your back and shoulder blades uncomfortable, the tight fabric shifting across your injured shoulders. You swore aloud when you remembered you had forgotten to fix your broken shoulder pad; again. You shoved them into the small storage box beside your cot. Maybe if you found some time you could fix them later. 

Picking up your lightsaber from the table, you attached it to the belt clip and placed your blaster in the holster on your leg. With no shoulder pads, you couldn’t easily attach your cloak, but you did so, pulling your cowl over the top to help secure it. You tied the rest of your bandages into place, reaching for your helmet, settling the confining refuge over your ears and clicking it into place with a small hiss. You felt the small throb as you felt the wound above your elbow reopen, and you smiled as the heat brought you into even sharper focus. Ignoring the dull ache across your shoulder blades, you strode across the room to the door, turning once to check the room before leaving. 

Watching the white strip lighting in the turbolift flicker each time you raised a level, you began to feel a small glimmer of excitement. You hadn’t thought much about it yesterday, but if Ren was asking you to meet him in the docking bay, it was highly likely that you might be leaving the ship. Unconsciously, your leg began to rhythmically jerk, your whole body shaking with excitement. 

The doors opened onto an eerily quiet hangar. Usually, it was teeming with swarms of stormtroopers and technical staff, loud footfalls of marching, beeping of expensive machinery and clangs and clatters of shipment containers moving. This early, there were only a handful of personnel present, most of those technical staff, running routine inspections of the spacecraft and terminals alike. You wandered across the entry corridor and into the main hangar, keeping to the sides as much as possible. You drew a few curious glances from those that noticed you. 

The numbers flashing on the holoprojectors above you grew larger, and you could see the faint outline of dock 30 coming into view. The Command Shuttle was empty, save for a blonde technician making some minor wiring adjustments under the left wing. You stood to the ship’s rear, stretching your head back and admiring the impressive wingspan. It was not a particularly fast or resilient vessel, but it was certainly memorable. 

Turning your back to the ship, you glanced around. You weren’t about to stand by the ship waiting like a garden ornament. The hangar was surrounded by various out-of-use spacecraft stacked one atop the other, TIE fighters, AT-ST’s and various other shuttles. Ignoring the faint buzzing of the technician’s tools, you focused your gaze around and caught sight of an ATM6. The knuckle walking transport was a good vantage point, and easy enough to climb.

A few choice manoeuvres and you were thirty meters up. The limo was much less imposing from this height, and you sat on the head of the walker, swinging your legs over the front and kicking your heels into the pilot’s viewport. Leaning back on your hands, you closed your eyes, listening to the sounds of the transport crews around you. 

What must it be like to work as a regular officer, you wondered. A grunt of the first order. Dreams stretching no further than what you could see right in front of you. You doubted the stormtroopers and pilots believed in destiny, in a greater purpose. They all seemed so satisfied. Happy to work and receive almost nothing in return, bar some measly credits and the promise of recognition for their achievements. Recognition, you thought, was the downfall of all living things. Certainly something you yourself had never sought. It wasn’t that you thought yourself above them; but perhaps, more enlightened. You drew lazy shapes on the cool metal with your finger as you lost yourself in thought. 

The lights in the hangar faded from low to high emittance, and over the next hour or so, the bay seemed to spring to life. Where there had once been the echoes of a few boots trudging the empty halls, now there was the unmistakable roaring footfalls of marching platoons, whirring of transport wheels and vehicles incessantly beeping. You cringed at the sound of a drill nearby, breaking your concentration on a piece of metal you had been bending with your mind. It was like coruscant on election day down there, you mused, watching the tiny stormtroopers parade past. The technician who had been working on the limo had gone, you realised, and the loading ramp was down, one or two uniformed crew clambering aboard.

You shifted your weight from one numb buttock to the other and wondered just how long you had been sat. Sniffing, you pulled aside one of the bindings on your arm and peered at your wound. Judging by the amount the blood had clotted, you’d been waiting for at least a quarter day cycle. Clicking your jaw under your helmet, you stifled a yawn, barely registering the sudden appearance of a menacing figure making its way through the hangar.

Sitting upright, you watched the knight barrage his way through the parades of stormtroopers, barely missing a beat as he grew from a tiny black speck in the distance. You inhaled as he drew nearer, passing in front of the ATM6 you sat on, catching the imaginary scent you knew to be his, and feeling his force signature embrace your senses. The knight’s steps faltered as he approached the shuttle, and he stopped just a pace away from the ramp. The two stormtroopers who had been escorting him carried on, ascending into the darkness of the ship, leaving Ren alone outside. 

You weren’t sure if it suddenly became deathly quiet, or if you were just focused so intently on the knight that you had drowned everything else out. His head inclined to the way he had come, and he reached out with his hand, splaying his fingers and twitching the hangar access panel to the right of the bay door. The emergency blaster shield descended and closed shut with a heavy thud; the few staff who were left in the hangar retreated into the command station and out of sight, silence once again enveloping the hangar. 

“You came.”

Ren’s modified voice reached every corner of the hangar after he had silenced the other sounds nearby. You smirked. Only Kylo Ren would emergency seal shut an entire hangar just so he could talk to you from a vast distance away without shouting. You replied, voice echoing off the walls and bouncing pleasantly back to your ears. 

“You expected otherwise?”

Ren didn’t reply immediately, so you took your time and got to your feet, clicking the stiff joints of your neck and cracking your knuckles. Your back was still giving you a lot of discomfort, so you decided on a gentler route down than the way you had climbed up. You took a small jump to your right, landing on the shoulder joint of the transport unit. You sat down on your left hip, pushing yourself forward with your boot and dropped, gripping your left hand into the durasteel arm and using the friction to direct and slow your descent. Lading with an almost imperceptible crunch, your knees braced from the impact of the floor. 

As you righted yourself, you noticed that Ren had watched you fall, his body entirely turned to the sound of your landing. Brushing your hands together, you swept off the chalky substance that covered your gloves and walked towards the knight. His force energy grew stronger the closer you got, engulfing your senses and blurring the edges of your vision. The knight spoke without a pause as you approached him.

“Your injury?”

You stopped walking as you reached the ramp, your visor trained on Ren’s. You didn’t reply to his question.

“Why I am here?”

The knight folded his arms over his chest and turned his shoulders to face you. 

“I am overseeing some work on Abregado-rae. Nothing that should involve more than a few days involvement. Snoke insisted that you accompany me.” 

So, he wasn’t even asking at this point, having assumed you would be more than willing to assist his favourite student with his chores. You hated not being asked things directly, although you were quietly elated at the prospect of going somewhere new. Even if it was with Ren. You kept yourself subdued, the only sign of your excitement your finger nervously scratching the side of your thumb. 

Nodding your head, you climbed the ramp into the shuttle and navigated your way into the main cabin. The staff were all seated at their consoles, ready to depart. Ren indicated to them to leave with a nod of his head, and the wings descended, ship turning and making a steady rumbling sound as the engines kicked in. You stood at the back of the cabin, out of the way, simply enjoying watching the view from the visor. You clasped your hands behind your back and stood at ease, observing the technician to your right as he relayed signals to the control station back on the Supremacy. 

After conferring momentarily with the pilots, Ren joined you at the rear of the ship, watching the stars grow bigger and brighter as the cabin around you prepared to jump to light speed. His arms folded over in front of his large chest, gloved fingers curling around his bicep. 

Something nudged at the corners of your mind, and you hesitated for only a half second before opening yourself up to him. Ren’s thoughts mingled, interlacing with your own. You sensed his ridged determination for the mission ahead, his apprehension to complete it well. He in turn reached out to your memories, gently bridging the gap between this morning and yesterday with Snoke. You shut him out, putting your mental barrier back up. 

“You said a few days?”

Ren lifted one shoulder in a half-hearted shrug.

“Hopefully.”

“We have time to talk then.”

He nodded his agreement. You stood silently at the back of the Command Shuttle, next to one of the most feared men in the galaxy, watching the stars around you gleam and shine. Unnamed galaxies floated beyond your view, light years ahead of time. The vast expanse of deep space lay before you, thrilling in all it’s splendour. Yet your mind was only on one individual. The one man feared above all others. 

Your body flew out to Abregado-rae, but your mind stayed on the Supremacy, in the tightly-held grip of the Supreme Leader.


	10. Retreat

The trip to Abregado-rae was short, thanks in part to Ren’s insistence that the pilots took a shortcut. You wondered where in passing Ren had learned about the smugglers route through the Abregado system. 

Shifting your weight from one foot to the other, you leaned forwards as the planet surface came into view. Deep greys contrasted the sea blue and mottled greens that made up the surface layer. Checking the holoprojector in front of you, the descriptions of the planet itself were very sparse. You tutted and closed the projection, catching Ren’s eye as you leaned back. 

“Something wrong?”

“Serious lack of analytics”, you grumbled, peering forwards as coastlines and dense forest came into view. The command shuttle burned through the outer atmosphere, sparks flying from the heated metal, and began to skim the face of the main body of land. 

“We’re only here to oversee collection of the latest electrum haul, you don’t need to know anything else.”

You snapped your head around.

“The what?”

Ren pivoted his head to face you and spoke the name of the metal again. 

You clenched your jaw and turned forwards, unconsciously touched the saber hanging by your leg. Electrum was a very rare metal which in the past had been used to craft lightsabers with unique qualities. Your own had a small amount buried amongst the dark metals lining the hilt. Ren leaned towards you the smallest amount, and spoke so low his voice dipped in and out of the modifier.

“The first order has found other uses for it,” he gently explained. “Here.” He said, extending his hand. 

You reached out your own and he dropped a comm link into your palm. You nodded, attaching the communication device into the plate of armour which protected your forearm. You knew Ren could sense your sudden unease, and you still weren’t sure whether that was a source of comfort for you, or an unwelcome invasion of your privacy.

Casting your gaze over the planet’s surface, you quietly observed a shimmering city come into view in the distance. The pilot murmured to himself before guiding the shuttle to the left, turning the viewport away from the urban landscape and towards dense forest cover. 

A large dark shape jutted out from the horizon, casting a jagged shadow on the quarry surrounding it. You opened your mouth as the gargantuan factory came closer, churning smoke from gaping twin ports in the roof. The quarry surrounding it was filled with various troopers and large reptilian fauna which were being used as sources of transport, both for troopers and pulling heavy loads of metal. Geysers spurted sporadically, spraying hot steam far into the sky before brilliant white cascades of water came crashing down into the machines below. The machines rattled and shook before several large deposits of raw Electrum were dropped into crates.

It was the ugliest thing you had ever seen. 

Ren made a sharp exhale which you were almost certain was in amusement. 

The command shuttle came to a stop on the outskirts of the quarry, about a half mile from the nearest building, in a clearing which connected to the factory doors by a long open stretch of dirt road. One side rose up high, giant mined cliff face stripped bare of its resources, and the other side fell down deep into the sides of the quarry. The trooper shuttles which had been entourage to the Command Shuttle settled loudly in the dirt nearby, squads of troopers marching uniformly down the ramps and beginning the trek across to their new workstation. You watched, lost in admiring the scale of what was around you. You knew the First Order had grown, but this was so much more than you had imagined. Snoke really had been busy since you’d been gone. 

The sound of Ren’s heavy footfalls dragged you back. Turning on one foot, you followed him down the ramp and onto the dirt track. The stormtroopers flanked you either side as you marched, boxing you in. That sent your already peaked anxiety through the roof. Your mind flew with a hundred scenarios, each one worse than the last. A voice echoed in the corners of your mind. Remember who you are.

But even the encouraging words of your Master couldn’t stop the low levels of panic in your throat as you approached the factory, step by step.

Glancing around, you tried to think why you were here. Of all places, this was hardly your area of expertise. There were troopers everywhere, this was a place for workers and the lowest levels of militia from the First Order. The lowest of the low. In your previous life, you would have been expected to stand by the Supreme Leader’s side as he oversaw his work. You felt like you could do anything. But here, in an unknown system without him by your side, your usual duties would have been -

And then it hit you.

Taking a few quick double-steps, you brought yourself level with Ren.

“Do we have a base?” You asked him.

He didn’t look at you as he continued to march towards the main factory doors. He seemed irritated by your lack of enthusiasm. You made a mental note to attempt a proper conversation with him at some point. Not only did you need to discuss your conversation with the Supreme Leader, but he also deserved an explanation. It was the least you could do.

“Other side of those hangars.”

You glanced around, seeing the low hangars on the other side of the quarry. They reminded you of military barracks, short buildings that were never intended to be permanent. They stooped low in the distance, almost like hunching figures that didn’t want to be seen.

“I’ll report to you later.”

The knight’s pace slowed, glancing at you from the corner of his visor. You gave the smallest nod you could whilst walking, which was a difficult task in itself. He nodded in turn, still irritated, and you veered off to the side, towards the side of the factory. 

“Stay with me.” You heard Ren order from behind you, obviously redirecting the stormtroopers who had attempted to follow you. 

_____________________________________________________________________________

About an hours walk away from Regency 9 was thick, dense forest. Abregado-rae was famous for it’s water ways, and the canals that flowed through the city were said to be the most beautiful in the entire system. You paused to listen to a distant crashing sound, the noise of the factory left far behind you. Just because you were officially working didn’t mean you couldn’t enjoy the brief distraction the forest offered you. 

You cursed under your breath as you trod in a deep puddle, the water creeping into your boot and causing an uneven squelching sound as you walked. You scolded yourself and hopped around the puddle, coming to lean against a sturdy looking tree. 

After emptying the water collected inside and strapping your boot back on, you sought the sound of crashing thunder, following the faint path created by some manner of creature until you came to the source. A raging waterfall cascaded down a rock face, glistening bright blue water crystallising into tiny gems that sprayed off the rocks at the bottom. It was like looking at a thousand stars, each one moving to fast for the eye to follow. The spray turned to vapour, and the mist created a swirling cloud cover across the side of the cliff, rainbow strobes dancing in the sunlight. 

You stood downstream from it, the water now meandering past at a steady pace, boulders littering the floor and various flora and grasses adorning the ground beneath your feet. After a few moments of enjoying the scenery, you took off both your boots, allowing your cold, bare feet to merge into the grass. You lay them next to a boulder, taking off your cape and also laying it across the top. You really hated wearing it. 

Taking long, stretching strides, you crossed into the middle of the river, rocks isolating your chosen pathway. Once in the centre of the river, you began to jump upstream across the rocks towards the waterfall. The sound deafened you, roaring of water pounding your eardrums like a wind tunnel. Droplets of moisture sprayed themselves on your entire body, covering your visor and restricting your vision to isolated patches of untouched screen.

You held your hands up in front of you and closed your eyes. You felt the fury and raw power of the falls before you as your own, fingertips tingling with unspoken energy. Crossing your legs, you sunk down and sat, staring the thunderous falls in the face. It was truly an unspoken privilege, to be sat merely feet away from a water source so powerful that you were sure if you should topple forwards your body would not be found until it washed up on the coast. The water was freezing, and you could feel your toes curl uncontrollably in the spray. Detaching yourself from your physical form, you merged with the planet around you. You felt it’s incredible age, it’s beauty. It screamed at being defaced by the order, and it raged through its furious geysers. This was a place of power. Not for relaxing, but for focusing. You lay your hands on your lap, and began to meditate, drawing in as much power from your surroundings as you could. 

_____________________________________________________________________________

Cold. 

So cold you couldn’t move.

So cold you couldn’t think.

Beyond the point of shivering, your muscles screamed as they clenched and cramped, desperate to generate any warmth they could. 

Your eyes opened with a sting and let the tiniest sliver of light in, your pupils blown out and wide. Light was coming from a minute gap in the steel above your head. You watched your breath become visible and evaporate before your very eyes.

You couldn’t remember how long you’d been inside. You couldn’t remember why you were there.

You couldn’t remember anything. 

Just the dark and the cold and the pain.

Your eyes closed again.

So cold. 

_____________________________________________________________________________

“Commander.”

You opened your eyes slowly, surprised to find it almost pitch black, your entire body felt alert, gooseflesh covering your entire back and upper arms as every hair stood to attention. Your legs were numb from the cold and you ground your teeth together at the memory you had endured as a result. 

“Commander.”

You flexed your fingers, gasping as the pain hit. Every fibre of tissue in your extremities screamed at you in outrage.

“Commander!”

Snapping your head up, you registered the crackling voice shouting through your comm link. Tapping the flashing indicator embedded in your forearm protector, you responded to the trooper the other end. 

“Yes.”

“Commander Ren asks that you return to base, Sir.”

Standing up stiffly, you made your way back to the edge of the river, switching off your comm link and trying your best not to slip on the moss covering the rocks. Your legs and tunic were soaked through to your skin, your bandages weeping and squelching as you moved. Donning your boots and wrapping your cloak around yourself, you began to make your way back to base. Night had now set in fully, and you listened intently to the nocturnal creatures burrowing around in the undergrowth. Your saber swung heavy against your leg, and the blisters on your feet tore the skin against your wet flesh.Tiny curious glowing creatures caught your eye as you stepped lightly back towards the factory. Even you could see there was less life present the closer you got. 

Cleared of the forest, you silently stalked around the edges of the quarry, avoiding everyone you could. As the base of operations came into view, you tucked yourself into the sidelines, approaching the encampment from the rear. You slipped past the pair of stormtroopers guarding the doors to the nearest billet and closed the door quietly behind you. You cast a brief glance around. The walls were durasteel, and if you stood on your tiptoes you could just touch the large rafter beams which supported the domed roof. Once inside, you crouched and perched yourself on a cot near the door, removing your boots and wet robes, dropping them into a soggy pile. Left in your tight under robes and bandages you began to wring out your tunic, twisting the fabric between your gloved hands. 

“Put that down,” came a soft voice from the darkest corner of the room. 

Ren turned around, previously unseen to you due to his dark clothing. You had thought the room almost empty, save for the cot bed you were sat on. Something in the tone of his voice told you he wasn’t asking. Reluctantly, you loosened your hold on the wet handful of your tunic, which slapped onto the floor. The knight walked purposefully towards you, extending his hand at hip level and spreading his long fingers. He was mask-less, and you were surprised that you couldn’t see it around. 

You watched with silent awe as he curled his fingers, drawing out every droplet of water from the pile of robes. His fingers danced and his eyes squinted in concentration, tiny droplets dancing across the fabric and joining together to form a swirling orb of water. Ren raised his hand, the orb sparkling and reflecting light across your visor, drawing higher and higher into the air. 

Then Ren clenched his jaw and his hand, and the orb shattered, spraying vapour into the air which disappeared almost immediately. The resulting mist caused a cascade of rainbow light to fill the air, vibrant shades of all colours bouncing on the walls, made possible by the artificial light above you. 

You stared intently at Ren’s face, his brow furrowed with concentration as he lowered his hand. You didn’t fight to keep the marvel out of your voice.

“Incredible.”

Ren looked down at his hand, then to you. He looked suspicious through his body language, but you could sense he was just a tiny bit embarrassed. His demeanour was slightly less resentful than usual, which you found surprising given his normal attitude towards you. He crossed his arms and gave you a look of disapproval. 

“What’s going through your head? I just had to endure hours of meetings alone. I thought that was why you were here.”

You bent over, gripping your freshly dry tunic and slipping it over your head, ignoring his jab. 

“My presence is not impactful in the Order anymore. I am no longer known to the more prominent officers.”

The knight stroked his chin, gloves making a scratching sound in their wake. His dark eyes flickered to your visor as he grumbled.

“Then why are you here?”

You paused, tied a final knot in your arm guard.

“Value”, you murmured to yourself.

You pulled on your left boot, strapping it on tightly to your calf. You considered your answer carefully before you gave it. 

“Back before…all this”, you motioned around you. “Master would often oversee the work on his starships. But if I wasn’t escorting him publicly, I was usually rooting out any negligent workers or delinquents for punishment.”

The memories flashed behind your eyelids as you closed them. Dragging a junior lieutenant out from his bed by the ear, squealing like a frightened hog, his eyes still red from sobbing. A young technician, fresh from the academy, blubbering her deepest secrets as you used your saber to burn a hole through her hand. Dropping the severed heads of three treasonous officers at the feet of your Master, and his beaming grin as you knelt before him. You opened your eyes at the last one. He had been so happy that time, you’d been desperate to make him that pleased ever since. 

“Well, I suppose all your lurking around the Supremacy will come in useful after all.” Ren half-smirked at you. 

His words pulled you from your light daydream. You twitched a glance up at him as he stared down at you, somehow looking at you beneath his dark lashes. His stare was so intense, sometimes you were grateful that he couldn’t make eye contact, for fear you would drown in his depths. 

“Tomorrow morning I will be meeting with Captain Q’aan, the officer in charge.” Ren turned away from you and began to tug off his gloves. “I suggest you refrain from going swimming and do some work.”

You really, really wished he could have seen the glare you shot him. Getting up from the cot, you grabbed your cloak from the floor and walked out, leaving the knight stood alone in the dimly lit billet.

The stormtrooper seemed surprised when he saw you emerge, and you chided yourself for forgetting that they hadn’t seen you enter. Stalking past the building that contained Ren, you wandered off into the forest to find a tree to sleep in.

_____________________________________________________________________________

You awoke before sunrise, the incessant drilling through the night providing you little chance to sleep. Rolling sideways and off the branch which supported you, you braced your knees as you impacted the ground 20 feet below. You stood, cracking your neck, wishing that you had felt comfortable to remove your helmet overnight. Your ears ached from the constant pressure, pressed flat against your skull for so long. 

You began the walk back to the factory, keeping out of sight of any passing troopers. It was quieter overnight, the presence of many dangerous nocturnal beasts in the forest a threat to many workers. The beasts caused you no fear, however. You knew you were more dangerous than any night-dwelling creature this planet could offer. 

Stepping lightly around the edges of the quarry and keeping in the tree line as much as possible, you observed the troopers depositing their loads of electrum into transports, which when full would ferry themselves into the main hangar for processing. You gave the building a once over. You hadn’t been inside it yet, but Ren had. If it was anything similar to other factories, the chain of command was reflected in the building structure. High ranking officers and overseers would be at the top level, reflecting not only their superiority, but allowing them to see the entire factory floor.

You used a passing transport to shield yourself from view, ducking to the rear of the building through some dense thicket. The thorns pricked and caught on your cloak, making you cuss. Yanking hard, you un-snagged the fabric, annoyed to see a new tear. Gazing up, you made some calculations based on the backside of the factory. It was about 300 feet high, the lower half made of steel, obviously encasing some kind of heavy-duty machinery. The top half was made of various long panels to let light in. Your assumptions had been right, the officers deck would be on the highest floor. You took another look at the steel panelling covering the factory walls.

You closed your eyes and exhaled a breath slowly, calling on the power you had accumulated from the falls yesterday. The energy swirled in your palms, igniting your finger tips and bringing a void-like clarity to the immediate world around you. For you, it only seemed like a few weeks had passed since you had done any kind of stealth mission. In reality, it had been over 20 years. You needed to ensure your body was prepared. 

Taking a sharp inhale, you jumped high, twisting your fingers and using the force to pull a panel horizontally away from the wall. You landed on it gently, quickly turning your attention to the next one up. You continued this until you were level with the windows, pulling out one panel after the other and using them as stepping stones to scale the structure. 

Gripping the window panel with the tips of your fingers, you couldn’t help grunting with strain as you attempted to open it. Force prowess may lend you inhuman strength for ripping open steel structures, but you were still a small human female. You cursed as your fingers slipped, and the window gave way an inch. Pulling it open further, you glanced around cautiously. There appeared to be nobody around. You clambered through, closing the window softly behind you. Stretching out with your mind, you felt only the presence of a few officers in a small observation deck above you. 

And him. 

Ren was up there. You could sense him as clear as if he were standing in front of you, having whatever important discussion he was obliged to. Rather him than me, you thought. The glass encasing the deck was frosted, and you could make out various figures standing inside.

You dragged your eyes away and took the opportunity to acquaint yourself with the factory’s internal layout. You stood on one of many suspended metal walkways which provided access from the lowest level to the highest. They each were next to one of the four walls, leaving room for the giant furnace in the middle. Glancing over the edge, you gripped the railing. The furnace was enormous, almost the entire height of the building, pouring fumes from the top. That would explain the twin chimneys on the roof. Without them, the entire place would be engulfed in smoke.

Surrounding the base of the furnace were smaller machines, boiling and bubbling, obviously heating up the metal. A very efficient system, you noted, impressed. The transports simply dumped the metal deposits inside, where the troopers would then pick them up to place them inside for melting and repurposing. You knew that a lot of workers were outside mining the quarry, but it was suspiciously quiet inside for a factory of this magnitude.

You spotted a black-clad officer ducking inside what appeared to be an office on the lower level almost directly behind a furnace. How odd, you thought. According to the First Order regulations, all digital files both essential and not, had to go through the proper administration and cleared with the officer in charge. You were almost certain the highest ranking officers wouldn’t descend into the smoke-heavy lower levels to manually collect paperwork. It was also incredibly irresponsible to have it right next to a fire hazard. The officer left almost as soon as entering, stalking away and barking orders at a nearby trooper. 

You flipped yourself over the railing, dropping onto the next level directly below you, continuing down until you were almost at the ground. It was getting hotter, you could feel sweat beginning to seep through your skin. You licked your upper lip, tasting the salty residue. Once on the ground, you made your way towards the door. It was high grade durasteel, and suspiciously clean compared to everything else which was covered in a thin film of soot and ash. You came to a stop in front of it, pressing your hand on the access panel.

It buzzed red, and you cursed as you realised it was biologically locked, available to only a few signatures. You slowly turned your head to listen behind you. The officer who had just left was only around the other side of the nearest boiler. 

After a few minutes, and a lot of muffled screaming, you raised the severed hand of the officer and pressed it against the access panel. Smiling as it turned green and opened for you, you stuffed it into the back of your belt, ignoring the blood which began to trail down the back of your leg. This will come in handy, you thought, smiling internally at your feeble attempt at humour. 

Inside the room was a basic command console, with a green and black screen, covered in code. The walls were covered in wires and screens, each visibly passing code between each system. Checking the surrounding area for other signs of disturbance, you saw that one of the computer panels has a false front. Prising it open with your fingers, as it bent away from the wall, a large black safe came into view. 

Bingo, you thought. No First Order base came with these, they were far too difficult to track and trace. Safe’s like this were often used in smuggling, piracy, and dodgy trade deals for arms and ammunition. You winced as pain shot across your back, still injured, as you crouched down. 

Snoke would be pleased, you hummed to yourself, closing the false front back over the safe and quickly stepping out of the room, careful to leave it as you found it. You even wiped a smear of blood clean with your boot. The dull roaring of the furnaces took over your senses, troopers hurrying past you without a second glance. Fire spat from vents in the floor, and you were almost lightly barbecued as you made your way back to the top floor in a hasty retreat. 

You stuck one leg through the gap in the window and paused as you heard Ren’s voice loud across the vast expanse of the hall. Throwing a glance over your shoulder, you saw him begin to descend the stairwell from the officers deck towards you, black cloak billowing as he walked. He was followed by a greasy looking officer; a Captain, you noted, looking at his rank slide. You looked incredulously as the stout man panted to keep up with Ren, clearly not used to the exercise. You realised they were about to pass you, so hastily climbed all the way out of the window, curling your fingers over the ledge and hung, stomach pressed against the durasteel outside wall. You felt his presence get closer, probably even on the walkway you had just left. Of all the rotten luck. Sheer determination and pride refused to allow you to let Ren see you hanging out of a window by your fingertips, so you made a split depiction and dropped. 

You couldn’t breath as you fell, G-force rising up into your throat as you twisted around and cascaded down the wall, back now sliding across the steel. Your felt everything inside pull sharply upwards, organs pushing upwards against each other and threatening to spill out of your mouth. The wind rushed past your ears, and it took you a full four seconds to reach the ground. Your hands came out to slow your descent, using the force to cushion your fall. Adrenaline surged through your body, making your chest feel light and floaty and your legs shake. Your shoulders screamed at the barrage. 

No time to stand dawdling, you chided yourself, sprinting for all you were worth into the forest. 

_____________________________________________________________________________

It was just before nightfall when Ren eventually made an appearance. He strode through the door of the billet and fell down on his cot, removing his helmet, rubbing his gloved hands across his face and exhaling with exhaustion. 

“Long day?”

His face snapped up to see you sitting in the rafters above him. You swung your leg lazily over the edge, and silently hoped he would stand up so you could accidentally kick him.

“Long enough.” He grumbled. He wrinkled his nose, as if smelling some unpleasant odour. “Q’aan disgusts me. He thinks because he is in charge of a single factory that fate of the entire First Order rests on his shoulders.” He spoke almost to himself, muttering his annoyance.

You hummed in agreement. You had only got in a quick look at the Captain, but even you could tell he was of the impression he was more important than he was. You continued to close up the hole in your cloak, tying the thread tight and threading through with your fingers. You wrinkled your own nose as you caught the stench of the officers hand, still stuffed into the back of your belt, beginning to fester. 

Biting through the thread as you finished, you dropped your hands into your lap, content with your handiwork and peered over at the knight again. He had his head in his hands, and was idly rubbing circles in his temples with his thumbs. His aura was sad again, you noticed. He reminded you in this moment of a dog, who when left alone, did nothing but whimper for company. You sighed quietly. Time to play comrades.

Dropping down from the rafters, you stood in front of him and swung your cloak on over your shoulders, cringing minutely in pain. Ren looked up at you, leaning back and resting his shoulders against the wall. He raised one leather boot up and rested the heel on the edge of the cot. His long nose was illuminated only from one side, giving him a monochromatic appearance. You considered his face a few moments longer, noticing that the scar dissecting his cheek was healing well. If he wasn’t such a dangerous man, under normal circumstances you may have even considered him approachable. 

“You didn’t get it looked at, did you?”

His accusation made you immediately regret your previous thought. He was so sporadic with his statements.

“What I do is my business.”

Ren looked up at you, seriousness in his voice, as you cocked your head at him.

“Not when it affects me.”

You growled quietly. Ren tutted and began to undo the buckles that fastened his boots. His long fingers made quick work of them, you noted. You made a small movement, intending to leave, then paused. You looked down again at the knight pulling off his first boot, then moving on to the second. Snoke’s words on your collaboration rung in your ears. 

You swallowed, hesitant at the opportunity and clenched your back teeth together. The difficult work wasn’t training with Ren, it was making conversation. You still were a complete amateur at it. You took a step backwards, rocking on your heels. Ren finished unbuckling his boots and sat back, arms folded protectively on his chest, boots still on but no longer hugging his calves. He regarded you with wary dark eyes, probably wondering why you were still there.

“So…”, you began, copying him and folding your own arms over your chest. “What are your thoughts on Regency 9?”

Ren considered you for a moment longer before replying.

“There is definitely something going on that shouldn’t be. Their output production rates are higher than any other factory, yet they have less workers than the others combined.” He rubbed his chin thoughtfully, pulling his mouth up as he did so.

You hummed, rubbing your own thumb against your index finger. The silence lengthened as you fought for something to say. You internally cursed your master for not training you in the delicate art of conversation. Before it got awkward, Ren stood, taking a step forwards. Your hand almost shot to your saber, on instinct, but you kept it firmly folded against your chest. He crossed his arms and leaned back on one leg, a relaxed stance.

“This would be a lot easier if Supreme Leader didn’t specifically request that I refrain from killing half of his officers.”

You let out a chuff in amusement, bringing one hand up and absently rubbing the side of your helmet. You thought for a moment before confiding in Ren.

“You know…Supreme Leader -”, you stalled abruptly. 

Ren dipped his chin, encouraging you without pushing. You swallowed the lump in your throat.

“…he chose well.” 

Your voice cracked. You spoke truthfully, as you always did; But still, Ren furrowed his brow. 

“How do you mean?”

You looked around the room, absolutely sure he could somehow hear you. Ren took a step backwards, giving space for you to continue. 

“If Snoke had only sent me here…”, you said quietly, “this wouldn’t be an investigation.” You paused. “It would be a massacre.”

Ren looked away. You bit your lip, praying to any listening deity’s that Snoke couldn’t hear you. To speak ill of your Master was unthinkable. 

Ren was unstable, and violently inclined, but he knew politics somehow. He understood people in a way which was completely alien to you. When he spoke, people listened, not just out of fear but of respect. You had never known anyone like him. You nodded to yourself, following your thought pattern. Yes, Supreme Leader was right to choose Ren. 

“I remember Takodana.” Ren admitted, startling you. You kept your eyes down, trained on a loose tile on the floor. “To see someone with such a killing instinct as myself was…new.” His eyes bore into your visor, searching for eye contact to hold. His mouth pursed slightly before he spoke again. “I was pleased. To think I wasn’t alone.” 

You craned your neck back and met his eye contact. Almost. He couldn’t see yours, but it was near as it could be. One of your hands swung down to your side, the other holding it still just above the elbow. You considered his words carefully. He enjoyed it too? He could play politics and soldiers at the same time? The thought pleased you. Ren continued, his aura slowly beginning to darken as he spoke.

“Snoke has always been very…inconsistent with my approach to dealing with insubordination and misconduct.” 

His upper lip twitched, fist balling, and you found yourself leaning forwards to hear more. He twisted away from you and faced the wall, voice becoming more harsh in sudden anger. 

“I don’t understand. One minute he is praising violence, encouraging me to embrace it. Feed the dark energy inside. The next…” 

He slammed his fist into the wall, making you jump. As your heart returned to your chest, you saw the aura flash visibly into a deep crimson shade of blood red. It was intoxicating, even the tiniest amount of his anger sent you into a deep dwam. He brought his elbow back and slammed his fist into the wall again, letting out a frustrated grunt. He repeated his assault on the steel wall again and again, his body was twisted at a strange angle, allowing him to punch the wall behind him whilst regaining his posture. Now this, you thought to yourself, I understand. The power radiating from his was delicious, swirling off him like smoke and filling the air with a rich, heady smell. His temper was so quick to turn, and such a rush to witness. No wonder Snoke had sensed him at such a young age. 

He dropped his hand away from the wall, and brought his wrist to his mouth, using the sleeve of his tunic to wipe away the spittle which had escaped. You wished he hadn’t. It made him look feral. His cheeks were flushed pink, eyes wet with frustration. Sadly, you watched the red aura fade slowly back into orange, the anger and pain still present, but controlled. 

You gingerly stepped forwards, standing by his side, shoulder almost touching his arm. You both stared at the indentation in the wall, his breathing slowly returning to normal. He didn’t move, but you sensed he was listening. 

“What Supreme Leader said to us back on the Supremacy. I understand it now.”

He closed his eyes and cast his mind back; as did you. Your Masters idea of council was not as straightforward as it could have been, but it certainly had put you both in your place. You, as the disgraced failure; Ren, the promised success. You had been thinking about it ever since leaving the throne room, his words ringing in your ears. Ren spoke unnervingly quietly after his outburst.

“Control and power?” 

You murmured your next words, almost to yourself, as the knight listened. He glanced at you from the corner of his eye and you turned your helmet to see him better. His eyes were wet with frustration, pursed lips dry and skin dappled with red tint from his emotional outburst. 

“You have power, Ren, that many would only dream of having. You’re strong, maybe even stronger than…”

You tried to say it, but your lips fell silent around his name and you croaked out a strange gurgling sound instead. To say it aloud was to court death and you slammed your lips together. Ren flashed you a curious look, his damp eyes flitting across your visor. You swallowed and continued speaking, with only slightly more confidence than before. 

“I’m not as strong as you. My weakness is my drive for success. For him. I can never truly release myself like you can.” 

You gestured to the marks in the wall, a brief display of his lack of control. Your admittance made your heart hammer against your rib cage. Your throat was thick with an emotion you were unused to. Master had lied to you all along, you realised with growing ache. You were never meant to be beside Ren in the upcoming battle for power in the galaxy. 

“I can never be enough for him. Your power makes you a formidable force, Ren. I can help you get where you need to be.” You paused. “Although I am still working out how to do that.”

You turned away from him and made a start towards the door. His heated rage had left the empty billet, and the cold barrage of wind from the doorway was a welcome slap in the face. You stood in the doorframe, letting the rain assault your helmet and clothes. Your chest felt simultaneously heavier from the weight of emotion, and lighter from the burden of your admittance to the knight. This was your destiny. This was what your Master brought you back for. Not to be a partner to Ren, but to help train him ready for the day he was ready to take over. Was that enough for you? If your Masters’ wish was for you to help mould the knight into his successor, would that finally sate your desire to please him? You hoped so. A lifetime of servitude wasn’t enough. A quiet voice spoke from behind you, deep and silky on your ears. 

“Once you help me,” the voice warned, “He will kill you.”

He was so matter of fact. You liked that about him. He was right, of course. Once Ren was ready, there was no way your Master would allow you to live. You were too much of a threat. You’d had a chance years ago to be his successor, but you’d failed. You simply weren’t meant to be. Deep down, you’d always known that you weren’t enough. 

You turned your head and gazed mournfully at Ren, his long face staring down at his wrists as he rubbed the knuckles on his right hand. He glanced up at you with a fleeting moment of concern. You allowed yourself a small smile before answering him. 

“Long Live the Supreme Leader.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys, thanks for reading yet another chapter of Red Opus - I am eternally grateful to each and every one of you for reading my story, your comments and love breath fresh life into this empty husk of a woman *sighs dramatically* <3
> 
> For those of you who don’t follow me on social media, my username on all platforms is the same as here: @makemedinosore 
> 
> I post artwork from the story as well as normal Star Wars art for my Redbubble account so drop me a message if you’ve got any questions! I am currently on Tiktok, Instagram and Wattpad :-)
> 
> And thank you for bearing with the story - I promise we are getting to some juicy stuff at some point, but I did warn this would be a slow burn. But let’s face it, those are always the best *insert evil cackle here*


	11. Diffidence

You woke slowly the next morning, giving in to those last few precious moments of unconscious haze before at last tuning in to your surroundings. Stretching out in the cockpit, you moved everything from your head to your toes, merely out of habit at this point. Your back was aching but felt on the mend, and you were grateful for the chance to sleep without your helmet on. True, it had meant sealing yourself in the Command Shuttle, but that was a small price to pay for a good night’s rest. Maybe your first in a long time. It was surprising considering how emotionally drained you had been when you eventually drifted off to sleep; those nights usually resulted in restless tossing and turning until dawn broke. You wearily reached up, grabbing at your ear lobes and pulling them around, massaging them with an apology for keeping them sealed up for so long.

Your third day on base would not be wasted, you thought. You had briefly dreamed about the waterfall again, and were desperate to return, the draw to the ancient power too tempting to resist. Besides, it was not in the nature of your teachings for you to resist temptation. 

Stretching once more to loosen the muscles in your lower back, you patted yourself all over, making sure your armour was all still in place. You cringed as your fingers made contact with the appendage, squashed, but still recognisable in the back of your belt. Blanching, you stuffed the officers hand into a port in the cockpit and retched as some flesh found it’s way under your fingernails. Pulling your gloves on one finger at a time, the early morning light dappled a pleasant colour across the forest in front of you.

Leaving your cloak behind on the cockpit seat, you jogged down the ramp and towards the forest. Your saber bounced off your leg as you ran, watching your breath steam through the ports on the muzzle of your mask. You felt like a dragon, powering through the forest, leaving footprints and fire in your wake, and the childish thought brought you silent happiness. Early morning exercise was the best way to start the day, in your humble opinion. 

Following the trail from two days before was easy, as you observed the tiniest imprints left by your boots. In almost no time at all, you found yourself at the falls again. It was just as much, if not, more beautiful than when you had last seen it. The thunderous roar seemed even more powerful than before; driven, you were sure, by the previous days rainstorm. Your elated state of euphoria was quickly sullied when you noticed a second pair of imprints leading through the moss. Crouching to study them, you were surprised to find them relatively fresh. The dew had settled only in the last hour, and the boot imprints had removed them, meaning whoever it was was still in the area. Inspecting the size of the boot, your heart sank as you knew these footprints were not unfamiliar to you. Straightening up, you took another look and saw a dark figure motionless by the falls with his back to you. 

“It looks better in person.” He said loudly, voice straining to be heard over the crashing water.

You bristled.

“Invading my head again, Commander?”

Ren turned to face you, covered in water droplets from the spray. His tunic was an even darker colour than before, heavier with the water, you were sure. His damp hair stuck to his face and he licked the excess moisture from his lips, arms folded across his chest. His eyes appeared darker than normal, lack of sleep adding to the puffiness underneath his lower lashes. His helmet was on the floor next to him, apparently thrown down amongst the moss with little regard for the vegetation. Judging by the amount of water decorating the black mask, he had been stood there quite a while. His brow furrowed, you were sure, due to the accusatory undertone in your question.

“You are weak.” He stated; not as a means of insult, but a point of fact.

You grit your teeth and began stepping towards him slowly, eyes never leaving his. He continued speaking, baritone vocals almost becoming one with the booming sound behind him. 

“You lack mental strength. I can hear your thoughts almost as easily as my own.”

You paused, one knee bent supporting you, hesitation obvious in your approach. You didn’t quite know how to respond to this new information. You settled on anger, that was easiest. It expanded into your chest and swallowed everything. How dare he assume to invade your mind. Your thoughts belongs to you and your Master alone. Ren stepped one long leg forwards and leaned his weight into it.

“I sense it in you…” he remarked, “…your fear.” 

Dropping down a small ledge, you were probably close enough to dart to the side out of view and knock him over, perhaps into the water? That would surely - 

“…when you think of him.” He finished, interrupting your thought process.

Everything froze. 

The droplets of water that cascaded down to the earth, pulled by gravity, froze in midair, as if suspended by an invisible thread. Your knee shook, the muscles trembling as you supported most of your body weight on it, having stopped on an awkward descent down towards the knight. Your brain was not even beginning to process your internal dialogue into conceivable words. His lips pursed together in that way that you hated, and he stood still; waiting, you realised, for a response. You cast your mind out to him, trying to understand. He was thinking about your conversation from the night before. He felt…was this frustration? 

“I don’t know what he did to you,” he announced loudly, snapping you back to the present. “But I don’t enjoy the feelings you project onto me whenever he comes to your mind. It makes it hard for me to focus.” 

He began to climb up towards you, taking long lunges over the rocks and wet patches on the ground. You were still standing motionless. Apart from a small sway as your heart pulsed blood through your system, you may as well have been made of stone. He moved surprisingly quickly, considering he was going up an incline of uneven terrain, and it wasn’t long before he was almost right in front of you. A thought passed into your head and you gripped onto it tightly, for fear it would swim off into the deepest corner of your mind should you forget. Your mouth moved, tongue with it, and you finally spoke.

“Fear him?” You uttered, barely audible over the gushing water even at this distance. 

The rush of anger that accompanied your words made the knight halt his approach. He stopped a few feet from you, black hair swaying as he came to a halt, chest expanding from heavy breath. Your chest clenched, heart squeezing tightly; constricting, as though it was clutched in the grasp of a long-fingered hand. 

“I would die for him.”

Ren gave you an unreadable look, and you studied the face opposite you. You noticed for the first time a trio of freckles at the corner of his eye, forming a perfect triangle. The gentle slopes that hooded his eyelids and dipped into dark circles under them. The bulge that framed one side of his nose, giving his face an uneven slant. He was ugly, in the most beautiful way. He made you mournful. A single drop of water trickled down his cheek, coming to an agonisingly slow stop at his jaw line before pooling and falling without even a whisper of sound.

You dragged your helmet away from his gaze and turned your attention back to the falls. Enthralling, it was a moment trapped in an endless time loop; it flowed with force energy, both light and dark. You spoke lightly, voice barely covering the distance between you both. He didn’t understand yet, you thought, but he would. The words came to you naturally, and they flowed with ease mirrored only by the river meandering below you. It wasn’t the entire verse, but the only part of the Sith code you had ever felt the need to cling to. The only part which gave you an inkling of hope for a future. 

“Through power, I gain victory.”

You watched the water cascade down the rock face. Ren took a few steps towards you, mouth opening as if to interject. As he grew nearer, his familiar scent filled your nostrils. Along with the heady smell of a wet forest after rainfall, it was pleasantly arousing, sending shivers down your spine. You took a breath, slowing your words for him. 

“Through victory…”

He took a final step forwards, within touching distance of you now. On uneven rocks below you, but his height meaning you were eye level with him. Unfocused on the man stood before you, you gently finished your verbal offering. 

“…my chains are broken.”

You turned your head slowly to face him and saw the very deepest depths of his eyes; gateways to his soul. You hoped he would hear the unspoken layer to your words. To your surprise, Ren whispered the final line to you, barely audible.

“The force shall set you free.”

His dark eyes searched your helmet, looking for an inkling pathway to the creature beneath. All sense of his previous frustration vanished, he now looked at you with a strange curiosity. It was a fleeting moment, but you were sure you saw vulnerability cross his features, if only for a second. 

“I’m not a Sith. Nor will I ever be.” He admitted.

“I know.”

Snoke had drilled the teachings of the Sith religion into you since your youth. Though the Sith Order had fallen with Emperor Palpatine, his determination to rekindle it’s flame it meant you had been force fed it’s teaching since before you could walk. Did being raised a certain religion make you a follower, or a victim – of that, you weren’t sure. The only thing you were sure of was every time you took a step closer to the darkness, your Master had grown happier.

Ren was still looking at you strangely. You chewed the inside of your cheek, sensing the dense energy around you both. The force energy that was pouring itself from the natural position of power was entwining with both of your auras, turning the air thick and heavy like smog. You reached out, and placed your hand lightly on the knight’s shoulder. Pressure fell on you both as you made contact with him, making your ears pop like you had both jutted through the cloud bank.

He flinched, glancing at your fingers, before looking back at you. Bridging the gap between physical and mental felt strange, but you felt the tingling in your fingertips, a sign that the bond between you was growing before your very eyes. If you were here to help Ren, then this was something you could do at least. Taking a breath, you bled your force energy into the atoms around you in your own subtle force expulsion. Ren’s eyes lit up with power as he absorbed the vibrant dark energy in the atmosphere. Ren was not a follower of the Sith religion as you were, but as a dark side force user the same as your Master, he could sense the pressure in the air when it turned, and used the force for his own needs.

“I will be with you, Ren”, you started, leaning down towards his face, “until you are ready.” You paused before gently continuing. “We are here because the Force wills it so. Because Snoke wills it so.” Referring to the Supreme Leader by just his first name felt strange to you, like the very act was forbidden.

The knight swallowed as the fragments of dark energy were fed into his own. You had neglected to take any for yourself, but strangely you felt more powerful than before. Ren’s eyes were alive with thoughts, you could practically see them dancing behind his pupils. Ren stepped back and out of reach of your hand. Suddenly feeling self-conscious, you dropped it down to your side. 

He grumbled, clenching his fists together before extending his hand out to the large boulder you had rested your boots on previously. It lifted into the air, dragging moss and dirt with it. Ren gave no sign of discomfort other than a mild tremble, his eyes sharp and focused, almost murderous with intent. Once it reached an admirable height, Ren crushed his fingers together and the boulder split, cracking with a deafening sound like a shotgun before shrapnel and cracked rock flew outwards, the entire thing breaking open like a skull. It was the polar opposite of how gentle he had been with the water yesterday.

He turned to you, unspoken conversation happening between you both in the blink of an eye. The bond you shared, forged not of friendship, but necessity. Survival. 

Because deep down, you knew he feared Snoke too. 

His eyes searched your visor and you watched him struggle to find the words. You thought of the future, and the uncertainty that it held in your Master’s hands.

“When that time comes,” He promised, voice like butter, “…you will kneel.” 

The threat was thick and heavy in his voice, yet somehow felt more like a warning to you. He turned away from you, his back expanding across the entire stretch of your vision, making his way back down to the falls. 

“Come.” He ordered, not even bothering to turn around.

You smiled to yourself and followed in his sunken footsteps down to the river. 

______________________________________________________________________________

You stood once again at the base of the factory walls, behind the brush and tangle-weed that protected you from the view of the passing workers. Once again craning your neck upwards at the 300 foot high wall, you crackled your knuckles, pleased to hear the satisfying snap as the bubbles of air shifted between the joints. 

You’d spent the morning with Ren, exhausting and relentless training in force prowess. For the first time, Ren had taken charge, a surprisingly eager partner. Not that there was much partnership involved. Just a lot of grunting and throwing progressively bigger boulders at each other. 

You could no longer deny it; Ren was more powerful than you. His abilities in force prowess far exceeded your own. Physical combat gave you an advantage, his lightsaber technique a completely different style to your own, your light and quick frame able to use his own brute strength against him. For some reason, he did not yet live up to the tales of his brutish strength in combat. But to the contrary, he could do things with his mind that you’d only ever heard rumours about. 

For the first time, Ren’s words focused in your mind rather than your Masters’. You were hesitant at first, but went with it. You felt the force around you, concentrating on pulling it into your hands like an intricately woven thread. Rather than simply summoning it to do your bidding as you had been trained, you attempted to call on it as an equal; to assist you. The rush of cold air that shot up your spine told you it worked, and you found energy tickling the tips of your fingers quicker than you could process. Gritting your teeth, you made your way up the side of the factory again, pulling and bending metal panels to act as footholds as you leapt from one to the next.

Reaching the top, you gently prised open the window and slipped inside. It was surprisingly quiet yet again, for a factory of this scale, and it took you only a few minutes to dextrously climb back down to the door on the lowest level. 

Wishing your helmet blocked out your sense of smell, you gingerly placed the slowly decomposing hand against the access panel, slipping inside once you had the green light. You wished you could throw it into the nearest furnace, instead opting to tuck it in the crevasse of a pipe just above the doorway. You hoped nobody would be able to smell it over the heavy ash and smoke in the air. Searching around, you found the false covering for the safe, prising it open to reveal the sturdy metal structure. 

You hadn’t broken into a safe before, and you allowed your eyes to wander across the front of it, trying to think of how to get inside. It wasn’t coded, but instead had a small square piece cut out of the front. You leaned forwards to get a closer look and cursed out loud when you saw it was another biological lock. After a failed attempt, you realised it didn’t match the thumbprint from the hand of the officer you had attacked, so you took another brief look around the room for any clues.

Finding none, you bid a hasty retreat. It annoyed you to have failed yet again to access the safe, but you were done. Ren would have more information for you later; he was currently suffering through another tour of the factory with Captain Q’aan and the other officers of the order. You had more than enough information to warrant slicing off a few more hands, and maybe a head or two if you were feeling particularly sadistic. 

As you made your way back outside, you distracted yourself in thought, your body going through the motions of leaving automatically. You were good at sneaking around, and more than that, you enjoyed it. You hated the feeling of everyone’s eyes on you, but unfortunately that was usually a part of the job of escorting the Supreme Leader. It was hard to be an unseen leader, officers and troopers alike needed a face to follow behind. You wondered just how many of them had actually seen the Supreme Leaders face in person. Or Ren’s for that matter. He seemed to be neglecting to wear his helmet around you a lot. You understood though; those things were heavy, taking a toll on even Ren’s superior looking neck muscles

Your knees braced as you landed, the golden evening light casting a long shadow behind you onto the factory wall. If it wasn’t an enormous mining factory churning out smoke and destroying the face of the planet you currently stood on, you would have happily stayed at Regency 9 for longer. But alas, duty called, and you were still as keen as ever to return to your Master. 

You made your way back to the base camp, certain you had finally figured out what to do regarding the fate of the factory. You would have to bring yourself up to date with the new rules to do with First Order discipline. There was probably paperwork to do now. What a drag. Hunkering down inside and clambering up into the rafters in Ren’s bunker, you gave yourself a quick once over. You wrapped your fingers around each appendage, squeezing and bending, checking for where you were injured. 

You hissed as you squeezed your left forearm, aching from blocking a particularly nasty swing of Ren’s saber a few days previous. Rolling your shoulders, you felt like you’d been hit by a speeder bike; they ached and pained you with every motion. Fortunately, time had given you the mercy of being able to ignore that pain for the moment. Patting down your thighs, you felt newly forming bruises along your calves and the painful movement of your ankle where you had rolled it earlier. Every time you moved, it hurt somewhere. 

It was great. You’d never felt more alive.

Humming quietly to yourself, you leaned backwards into one of the wooden posts supporting you, and drifted into a relaxed stupor.

______________________________________________________________________________

Something prodding at your leg woke you. Glancing down, you watched the knight lower his weapon and replace it into his belt. 

You actually fell asleep, you chided yourself. 

You fucking idiot, the demons in your head agreed. 

Pushing yourself more upright with your arms, you huffed as your shoulders brushed against the post. Ren was tall, the bunker was short, and the top of his head was almost level with the rafter you sat on. His eyes looked up at you in dark amusement, clearly pleased at having found you in a vulnerable position. 

“Morning.”

You lashed out with your boot which he ducked to avoid. It was clearly only a few hours after sundown, and he half-grinned lazily before lowering himself down onto his cot. He seemed in a good mood, you noted. You observed him for a few moments. His boots were caked in mud, the bottom of his cloak much the same. It adorned him like icing on a cake, remnants of your training that morning. You pivoted on your rear, swinging your other leg over to join the first. You toyed with a few different responses, but instead asked him a question that had been on your mind all day.

“You said you hear my thoughts – how easily?”

Ren glanced up at you, the angle making his eyes appear larger that normal and causing lines to appear and crease in the middle of his forehead. It split through his scar and his lips parted, hair falling and framing his face in a dark shroud. He closed his mouth momentarily, considering his answer.

“Depends on my mood. Do you have anything for me?”

You nodded. 

“A safe. I can’t access it, but I’m certain it’s presence alone is enough to warrant disciplinary action.”

Ren leaned back, letting out a huff of air. A gloved hand came up and absently brushed a stray lock of hair out of his eye. He appeared to visibly relax at your words. 

“Tomorrow, then.”

You blinked slowly inside your helmet, apprehension suddenly causing your chest to flutter. You clenched your fist and pressed it against your breast, clutching it close in an attempt to stop the flurry of imaginary movement. Nodding once your confirmation, you slid forwards, dropping down onto the cold floor. You stood back upright and aimed your words at the knight. 

“Ren…”

He looked up at you, dark locks framing his eyes. You paused, unsure of what to say. 

“…Tomorrow.”

One corner of his mouth flicked upwards in another half smile, amused. He looked down at his hands, fingers laced together on his lap. 

“I know.”

You silently ducked out of the barrack, a twinge of apprehension following hot on your heels as you wandered through the camp. No point trying to remain out of sight now, you thought. A pair of troopers you recognised gave you a double take and flimsy salute as you passed, stalking past them and up the ramp to the Command Shuttle. Sitting down on the cuboid rear seats, you unbuckled your boots, grabbing a knife from the back of your belt and began to work mud out of the treads.

______________________________________________________________________________

You had almost finished cleaning your boots when the holoprojection panel at the front of the shuttle began to beep. You hesitated but something within you sensed urgency, so you climbed and leaned across the pilot seats to push the answer button.

Supreme Leader Snoke’s face appeared before you, close, glowing with a blue hue and a knowing gaze. It was twice the size of your own head, and filled the space between the seat and the front visors. You immediately dropped your head down onto your chest, annoyed by the fact you could not kneel. 

“Well, now. Here’s a surprise.”

Your throat constricted and you forgot to breathe. Snoke didn’t get surprised easily. Raising your head, you spoke calmly. You hadn’t done anything wrong, had you?

“My master. How can I be of service?”

Snoke grinned and your skin crawled.

“I wondered where you’d snuck off to. So, you accompanied Ren to oversee work, did you?”

You nodded, trying to ignore the nausea pushing its way up your throat. It had taken him three days to notice you weren’t on board the Supremacy? But…Ren had told you he’d asked you to go with him? Maybe the Supreme Leader had just simply forgotten. You weren’t that important in the grand scheme of things, after all. You tried not to feel hurt. Snoke hummed, a long fingered hand coming into view and stroking his chin. His face, usually pulled into a permanent grimace, was now plastered with a look of concern.

“How are you coping?”

Your heart dropped in your chest and you welled up. You felt like crying. He was obviously so worried about you. Your chest ached to be with him, to have him beside you for strength. You were nothing without him. You bit the inside of your cheek and stilled your quivering lower lip.

“Well. Thank you, Master.”

Snoke didn’t move, but his gaze wandered across your visor. 

You swallowed thickly and considered what else to say.

“Ren is currently dealing with the officer in charge, and the staff only know of his presence. I have hidden myself, Master, to investigate what myself and Ren believe to be unauthorised selling of your Electrum. There is a safe which I believe is being used to store large amounts of credits off record.”

Snoke listened intently, and chuckled to himself before speaking. 

“I knew I could trust you to weasel out those traitors.” He leaned forwards. “But there is something else. Something you aren’t telling me.”

Panic welled up in your brain, your eyes scanning around you as you sought for what you had lied about. Then it clicked. You weren’t sure if it was because Snoke had dragged the thought back into your mind from afar, or if you had already known what to say deep down. You stammered nervously before speaking, already sure it would end badly.

“Master…I prefer when Ren acts on your behalf in public, as he does now. He is much more suited to it than myself.”

This was true. When Ren spoke, others listened, from both fear and respect. He let out a sigh of frustration, finger tapping the corner of his mouth. 

“You still fight the position I gave you. That’s why.” 

You wet your lips nervously. Leaning towards you, even through the holoprojector, you felt his energy wrapping around you and squeezing like a constricting snake. It wasn’t by any means of force wielding, but merely by his influence on you alone. His smile dropped and his face bled seriousness. 

“You hold the same authority as Ren. When you are anywhere but here, you are representing your Supreme Leader. Do not make me look weak.” 

He curled his lip and looked down at you in distaste.

“I thought we snuffed out your pitiful diffidence long ago.”

Your entire body tensed as you fought the powerful urge to run away as fast as you could. Planting your arms firmly on the rests either side of you, knuckles turning white from the strain, the memories from that single sentence made the scar on the back of your neck prickle. Why couldn’t you stop embarrassing your Master?! You bit your lower lip. You had already known this wasn’t something to bring up again.

His voice dropped to an almost inaudible baritone, leaving no room for questioning.

“You may not like it…but you will do it.”

Your chest heaved and your throat opened up as his words triggered the release of his strangling imaginary grip around you. Yes, you would do it. For him, you would do anything. You bowed your head.

“Yes, Master.” Your voice was low and level, robotic.

“Excellent!” Snoke declared loudly, making you flinch away. He leaned away from you and spoke as if the previous threat had not happened. “When you return I have made some arrangements for you. I hope my generosity will not go unnoticed.”

Inhaling sharply, your heart missed a beat as you wondered what kind of arrangements those would be. You craned your head back up to look at the projection once again.

“Yes. Thank you, Master.”

And you really meant it. The holoprojector deactivated without another sound, leaving you alone in the cockpit. Your chest burned like the fire behind your eyes. Mixed emotions swirled inside you, as powerful as the energy storms that surged overhead. You felt nervous and vulnerable, more so than you had in a long time. 

Pathetic, the demons jeered in your ear. Look, here comes the great Sith apprentice, watch as she cowers in fear. 

You snarled and shook your head, rattling the taunting faces from your mind. They wouldn’t get to you, not today. You were above them, you were above them all. Blood begin to simmer, bubbling up through your chest and stirring the troubled waters of your haunted soul. You couldn’t carry on like this. It would kill you. Supreme Leader had known of this base’s treachery, and he would only expect one result from the combined treason of an entire base. 

What would they see tomorrow, you thought. Not a human, standing in Ren’s shadow, unseen and unheard. You would be the blade that struck terror into your Master’s enemies; the unrelenting weapon which you had been crafted into. Your Masters’ words had stoked the fire that used to burn so bright behind your eyes. They wouldn’t meet a Commander tomorrow. No. They would all face your Master’s wrath. 

Tomorrow, they would face the monster. 

______________________________________________________________________________

You didn’t rest.

How could you. 

Every time your body tried to give in to the dark embrace of sleep, he was there. 

His ice cold eyes bore into your soul, freezing you from the inside out. His crooked smile, sometimes so warm; now you could only see it as he’d left you with it, sneering and disapproving. Your chest ached with sadness at having stoked your masters fury. There truly was no worse feeling. Having limbs cut off and reattached you would take any day over the emotional pit you currently wallowed in. He was so disappointed in you. He was your saviour, your master, and your friend. How could you have betrayed him like that?

You sat in the cockpit, helmet on your lap, watching the shade of black outside gradually lighten until the entire forest before you was a misty golden grey. You glared through the window long enough to see the light reflecting the face back at you. The face you saw every time you looked in a mirror. The face you hated above all others. The repulsive creature who dared to be anything other than a walking nightmare to the world around her.

Without breaking eye contact with the creature in the reflection, you slid your helmet slowly over your ears, the gentle pressure grounding you. Tomorrow was finally here, and you were so fucking ready for it. You had so much to prove, to yourself, to Ren, and to your Master. Now was not the time for politics, or false pretences. It certainly was not a time to be reading up discipline procedures; what the fuck had you been thinking. You delicately removed the blaster from the holster on your belt, checked the scope and made a small correction. A clumsy weapon, but efficient when scoping our long distance targets. Replacing it in the holster at your leg, you turned your attention to your saber, the loose emitter making you grimace in annoyance. You stood, angling yourself awkwardly and prising yourself out of the cockpit, reattaching your saber to the clip at your side and letting it fall into your still aching thigh. 

You were ready. Your bottled up anger was overflowing from you like water from a boiling pot, causing physical manifestations of force energy to lash and crack the air around you. There was a low humming sound coming from the cockpit, as your emotional turmoil interfered with the electronics on board, sending electrical pulses and waves through the system. 

I’d better leave, you thought, before I destroy the Command Shuttle. 

Whipping your cloak around yourself, it billowed either side like black wings as you descended the ramp and started along the dirt track. You strode with intent and purpose, each footfall another nail in the coffin of those who might dare challenge you. 

As you approached the factory, from the front this time, Ren came into view, his entourage of stormtroopers uniformly lined up at his back. His towering build left little to the imagination of his victims, you were sure; he dwarfed the stormtroopers that flanked him either side. He stood, helmet on, cloak catching at his heels in the wind, waiting for you. Not wanting to explain your eagerness for bloodshed, you instead broke down your mental wall as much as you could. Even from this distance as you approached him, he cocked his head as the tidal wave of dark energy surrounded him and penetrated his aura. He caught on in a heartbeat. 

You came level with him, and as you marched past he gave you the smallest nod, which you returned. He fell into step at your side, wheeling at an angle to follow you through the factory doors. The troopers rhythmic stomping as they marched behind you gave you a surge of confidence. The smoke and dust in the air hit you like a slap to the face, and you had to stop yourself from spluttering as you inhaled a lungful of putrid air. Turning to your right, you began to ascend the wide metal stairwell which would lead you directly up to the officers deck. 

The sound of the first blaster firing started a chain reaction, as the escorting stormtroopers spread out across the bottom level, firing upon their kin who didn’t respond with anything more than surprise and alarm. They weren’t armed, you realised. Why would they be.

Good target practise for your troops.

The long haul up to the top made your calves burn, but with Ren at your side, it was less problematic. Every officer and trooper you encountered was met with his own pent up anger. Whether or not he was feeding off the fury which dripped from you like honey, or whether he was channelling his own rage, you didn’t care. With every step your confidence grew, the masked man by your side paving your way to success. You’d spent the night concocting different scenarios for the factory raid, but you hadn’t anticipated that Ren would be so forthcoming with his assistance. This would be easier than you’d thought. The troopers who had arrived with you were dealing with the grunts, taking out a lot of the legwork. You and Ren could deal with whoever warranted discipline when you got to the top.

With a sweep of his hand, troopers were sent screaming off the walkways and into the furnaces below, his fingers twisting like a coiling snake. Officers were lifted by the throat before being slammed into the stairwell and ungraciously stepped over. Ren pushed in front of you, better for him to attack those who got in your way. His crackling cross-blade lashed out, furiously slashing through anyone he encountered. The smell of salty blood filled the air, along with the burning stench of charred flesh. The troopers swarmed every level as you ascended, and you didn’t even need to lift a finger as the door was thrown open with a thrust of Ren’s leather digits. 

The dozen officers which were sat at their terminals looked around in alarm, obviously caught off guard by the appearance of the hell hound at their door. Ren stepped inside, and once his enormous frame had stopped blocking your view, you took a long look around, following him into the room. 

It was a long deck, extending back into the walls, meaning that it was much larger than it appeared from the outside. The standard comms and technical panels lined the walls, with individual operating terminals for each pair of officers. Some had their backs to you, and were swivelled awkwardly in their chairs to get a look at you both. A few were stood, clutching paperwork to their chest like a bulletproof vest. Your eyes scanned the room once over, but you saw no sign of the officer in charge. It didn’t matter anymore.

The room was frozen, all officers eyes on you. Momentarily, you hesitated. They gawked at you both, unsure of how to react. They had all seen Ren before, the intimidating overseer with anger issues. You were almost certain he had killed at least a few of them since his arrival, judging by the few empty terminals scattered around the room and drying red marks on the ceiling. You caught the eye of an officer as he scampered behind a terminal, giving you a look of disgust and horror that snapped you back to the present. 

You took a step forwards, unnervingly calm, and stilled, turning your helmet slowly, so they knew you were looking around the room. An intimidation tactic; you didn’t need to move your head to look each of them in the eye. You felt their fear as they began to notice the sound of blasters which had followed you up the stairs. Ren stood motionless, watching you alone. You could feel his eyes boring into the back of your helmet, his eagerness to watch what he already knew was coming only feeding your desire for bloodshed. You smacked your lips wet as the bloodlust grew. A lieutenant near the back of the room slowly stood, clasping his hands behind his back; the floor commander, you presumed. He looked at you, then towards Ren before speaking.

“Commander Ren, we weren’t exp -”

The man never finished his sentence as his face slowly began to drain of colour, throat gripped by an invisible force. He gasped, mewling pitifully, bloodshot eyes looking between you and Ren, before dropping in an ungraceful manner to the floor. Men and women nearest to him took a few steps away, looking around the room at each other in silent confusion. You inclined your helmet towards Ren and he nodded, turning his own head sideways and nodding once to the troopers behind him. The leader turned around, barking an order at his peers before walking through the door and sealing it shut behind him. 

Your eyes flashed yellow and you ignited your lightsaber, taking a bloodthirsty step forwards and into the fearful view of the condemned.


	12. Damned

What did it mean to die? To become part of the life-force that flowed through the universe, joining the never-ending stream of death in it’s wake. You’d seen it enough times, that moment of departure. To watch the light leave someone’s eyes and flit off somewhere into the distance. What caused that light to be there in the first place? Was it a deity, still unknown? The Force? Or something even bigger. It was fascinating to you, the thought that this life was one of only a trillion fleeting moments that made up the greater plan. Nobody knew what it was, but all anyone could do was hope that the immortal sparks would regain some consciousness enough to witness the true grand scheme of things after death. 

That was just one trail of a thousand that your mind wandered on the way back to the Supremacy. You sat at the back of the shuttle, cross-legged on the floor. The gentle rumbling of the engines stirred you momentarily, enough to peek through your lashes at the room around you. The pilots rested in their cockpit, trying to appear as busy as they could. You were fully aware the buttons they were pressing did absolutely nothing. A single officer sat on the comms terminal, ready to relay information about the upcoming landing to the bridge, her auburn hair in the standard tight bun. You wondered how it would look down over her shoulders. 

Ren sat behind you, in one of the cuboid seats that pressed against the back wall. You couldn’t see him, but last you knew he had slumped down in the chair and become just as distant as yourself. You could feel what you assumed to be his knee, gently pressing into your left shoulder. You swayed back, testing the theory, and found yourself correct as your side made contact with the front of his calf. He fidgeted, jerking his leg away from you in a not-so-subtle motion. You smiled, and closed your eyes again, the noise around you dimming as you chased that spark in your mind across the stars. 

____________________________________________________________________

Something was pulling you back. 

You’d been lost in the darkest depths of your own mind for what felt like hours, yet something was tugging, coaxing you back into your mortal form. It was a feeling not to dissimilar from waking up, your body eager to stay in a state of rest, yet your brain was telling you to move. The first thing you were aware of was your own tongue, pressing against the roof of your mouth in a bid to be comfortable. You smelled the crisp recycled air through the vents, slightly metallic to your sensitive nose. There was a low rumbling noise coming from somewhere outside of your helmet, but not in the immediate area. This was accompanied by a steady thumping sound, rhythmic and without falter. Your buttocks were numb, your shoulders stiff from the slightly hunched position you sat in. The last thing you did was open your eyes. 

The limo was empty, save for the dark figure who sat opposite you. Ren had moved, it seemed, and you were eye level with his knees. The presence of Ren alone with you made your heart jump into your mouth, but you didn’t move a single muscle. He was leaning forwards, elbows resting on his long thighs and fingers intertwined in front of him. The leather of his gloves made a small ‘ch-ch’ sound as he absently rubbed his thumbs together. It took your eyes a moment longer to make your way up to his face. 

He was staring at you. 

Not just any stare. His eyes were engorged, pupils blown out, as if he was trying to get every speck of information out of his vision that he could. You stayed perfectly still, and reminded yourself to keep calm. You stared right back, though avoided his eyes. His face was growing on you, you supposed. He was still a regular human male with un-remarkable features, but something about the way they were arranged on his face was interesting to you. His sloping jaw was set hard, but not pointed enough to make him appear overly masculine. His dark eyelashes and brows framed his equally deep set eyes, giving him an intense stare. The oversized nose cutting out of his face was the focus point to any newcomers, yet now appeared to you a distraction from his redeeming eyes and mouth. He wasn’t beautiful, but his face held your interest for longer than it should have under normal circumstances. 

You watched with interest as his eyes flicked about, brow pinched, and he blinked, you wondered for the first time in how long. It was strange how he had not yet realised you were conscious. What was he doing staring at you anyway? Trying to get a look through your visor again, no doubt. You took a low inhale.

“Something on my face, Commander?”

His mouth closed up and he turned quickly in his seat, fumbling with his helmet before pushing it fiercely down over his head. You smirked when you caught the red colour in his cheeks begin to touch his ears. You weren’t sure why, but the thought of him feeling embarrassed pleased you. He stood, forcing black leather into your vision as he crowded the entirety of it. 

“Just making sure you weren’t dead.” He quipped.

You turned your head and cracked the ligaments at the base of your skull. He took a few lunging strides away from you, skulking around the corner and out of sight. 

Smiling to yourself, you stood, stretching your muscles out and bringing yourself fully back into the world around you. Taking a ducking glance out of the front visor, you realised you had indeed returned to the Supremacy, and judging by the number of technicians swarming the outside of the shuttle, you had been back for a while. The thought made your brow furrow. Just how long had you and Ren been sat alone, and why hadn’t you woken up when you landed? He would have known just how eager you would be to –

That bastard. Gasping, you winced with pain across your shoulders as you lurched around, sprinting your way off the shuttle and making your way as fast as your legs could carry you towards the private turbo lift. Troopers fell to get out of your way, and you jammed your finger against the button, repeatedly attacking the small bit of plastic until the doors closed. 

You tapped into the comm link still ingrained into your arm guard and informed the guard on duty that you were coming down. He responded in turn, the red light turning to green on the door to confirm your arrival. Your leg bounced up and down in anticipation, eagerness to see your Master only dulled by the annoyance that Ren had got there first. The turbo lift let out a dull beep, almost like letting out a sigh, before the doors slid open. 

Of course he was there. 

You grumbled and quickly walked the distance between yourself and the throne in which Snoke currently sat, and Ren knelt in front of. Your eyelid twitched at the knight, who remained motionless on the floor, only his back and the tread on one boot visible to you. Bastard. He did that on purpose, trying to make you look bad. 

You drew your eyes away from Ren and gazed upon your favourite face, sloped and disfigured, even worse now as he twisted his mouth into a wry grin. For the second time today, your heart lurched into your throat, fingers squeezing together as you attempted to control your elation. It felt like far too long since you had been with him. You remembered your last visit with glee. How he had shown you such tenderness with his gentle caress! Far too gracious a gift for a creature like me, you thought. You tentatively took to your knee besides Ren, resisting the urge to push in front of him like a child, and lowered your head in respect. 

“Rise, my apprentices’,” Snoke exclaimed, “You’ve done well.”

You weren’t sure why, but the tone in his voice brought out a sense of dread. Keeping your head low, you trained your eyes up to better look at your Master. He was reclined back in the throne, palms together as if he were about to clap. His twisted face gave away only a half sneer that could easily have been mistaken for a smile. You stood in unison, appearing almost military in your stances. 

To your surprise, Snoke pushed himself out of his throne and began to descend the steps. The first pace forwards he wobbled slightly, righting himself the rest of the way down. You could have sworn he was getting taller, a frail mountain which commanded respect. You gently bit your lip as he took the final few steps towards you. The Supreme Leader of the Galaxy actually leaned over, almost in half, to become eye level with you. Your toes curled in your boots and his face came even closer to your own. He spoke in a breathy whisper, eyes never leaving your own through the visor. 

“I knew I could depend on you.”

His words were like music to your ears. They trickled like honey and wrapped a warm hug around your heart. You had done well, you thought to yourself. He was right, as always. Shyness was not a quality one looked for in a Sith Lord. You would not fail him again. 

Brimming with eagerness, you nodded, to which he regained his upright composure, once again towering over you. Long fingers entwined together, knotting together before he turned towards Ren and his face changed shape minutely. You pivoted your own head around to glance at Ren, who to your surprise was angrily gripping his fists tight. He was practically shaking with a sudden flurry of anger. You took a sharp, loud inhale, feeling the delicious warmth that surrounded him. The scent of orange filled your nose, and you had to physically stop yourself from turning to face him fully. You glanced at Snoke who took another fleeting look between yourself and Ren before turning his mouth up and stepping towards the knight. 

Reaching his hand out, he placed it on Ren’s shoulder, looking down on him with a serious expression. You gazed up, looking between their faces, searching the emotions in the room. Ren felt apprehensive, and whatever unspoken conversation was passing between them made you feel slightly uneasy. A vision of a starship exploding passed though the air for the briefest moment, and it shocked you to realise that Ren was in your Masters mind, just as much as your Master was currently in his. Rage took hold, and for the smallest moment, your hand dropped down to your saber in a conscious decision to move against Ren. It passed just as quickly as it had arrived, and your hand dropped back down to your side, heavy with shame. Loneliness griped your cold heart, more painful that a thousand blaster bolts. To think that Ren was allowed access to your Masters private thoughts, and was trusted enough to know them - it made you ache with sorrow you hadn’t felt in years. More than anything, you simply felt…left out. Like an uninvited party guest, Ren and Snoke continued their private conversation in complete ignorance of you. 

Your master picked up on your mood, and spoke softly without breaking his eye contact with Ren.

“Leave us. I will call for you later.”

You didn’t need to be asked anything twice, good solider that you were. You bowed low and pivoted sharply in almost the same instant, striding quickly towards the elevator. It was a brief reunion, but a reunion all the same. 

The turbo lift dropped you on the next floor up and you hastily made your way back to your room. As you slammed the door behind you, a wave of emotion hit you and you sucked in your cheeks. You grabbed your helmet and wrestled it off your head before sprinting into the refresher, running into the doorframe and clipping your elbow. You missed the toilet bowl, but managed to vomit across the mirror instead. 

____________________________________________________________________

The shower was refreshing, the water cleansing your pores of the filth and muck from Abregado-rae. You would miss it, but you doubted there would be reason for you to return there now, considering everyone was dead. Bringing a hand up to your face, you scrubbed hastily at your cheeks with your palms, relishing in the feeling of grit being scrubbed from your face. It scratched into your skin, leaving pinprick sensations in it’s wake. The water turned from black, to brown, then tan colour, slowly implicating the removal of dirt from your body. You felt a little lightheaded from the steam, and took a minute to relax.

Whilst you washed, your mind wandered. How different your life was now. Life had once been so much simpler before. It had been just you and your Master, trying to establish a new world order. He would say jump, you’d answer how high. You had spent your time physically advancing yourself, training and mentally preparing yourself for the next mission. The missions were brief, ended swiftly and with just cause. You had a purpose, to help bring those who would oppose your Masters rule to their knees and execute his vision. 

Your grumbled to yourself. This was before the empty space. Before the Supreme Leader had even sensed the abilities of a growing boy. Before your time in cryostasis when your Master had locked you away, hiding you from the world. Since you’d come back it had been training, and the occasional mission, yes. But there was no goal anymore, no shining light at the end of the tunnel. Your life may as well have ended the day he sent you under. Training with Ren was a privilege, but also the greatest insult your Master could have bestowed upon you. There was no version where you got what you wanted. All you could hope was that your Master would show mercy when the time came, and kill you quickly. 

A bright red spot on the corner of your vision caught your eye. As you tilted your head forwards to look at it, you felt a strange gurgling sensation in your sinuses and the back of your throat before the second blood clot slid out of your nose. You blinked twice before tentatively bringing your hand to your face. Withdrawing it, you confirmed the nosebleed, watered-blood trailing down your body and into the drain. It painted you in cascades of pink, gradually thinning out as it reached your legs. Every crevasse and dimple in your skin where it was puckered with scars became nothing more than a meander for the river of blood. 

You continued to gaze down, observing the steady droplets of crimson liquid fall from your chin onto your chest and the tiles below. It slowed down, your eyes blurring slightly from the blood loss, the drops becoming less regular, before stopping altogether. You didn’t know how long you’d been stood there, but your neck clicked painfully when you eventually snapped it upright again. Creating a cup with your hands, you collected water from the shower head before thrusting your face into it, vigorously rubbing around your mouth. The tangy metallic taste of blood touched your tongue and invaded your nostrils, the sweet and salty mixture making your tongue lash out in protest. 

There was no point thinking about it anymore.Thinking made your head hurt. You decided then and there to stop thinking about the future. To live now, in the present, and continue to try and evolve yourself. 

Maybe when the time came, you would be a different creature entirely. 

____________________________________________________________________

The red light was blinking on the holopad by the door when you emerged from the refresher. Answering it, the droid on the other end told you that the Supreme Leader had made arrangements for you and you were needed in the medbay immediately.

Not wanting to have your priorities questioned, you dressed yourself as quickly as you could, leaving your armour plates on the table. You could see no need for them in the medbay, so you took a second chance and left your belt behind as well. There was no threat you couldn’t handle on this ship even without your blaster and blade. You felt lighter than normal without your chest plate and guards, practically floating through the corridors. Your helmet still smelled slightly of dust, retaining physical memories from your time planet-side within the internal fabric. 

Upon arrival at the medbay, you were pleased to see it was almost full of patients, from stormtroopers to officers; they bled and dry heaved from every corner. The room practically bled with sadness and anger, and it gave you Gooseflesh along your arms. There must have been some kind of attack, you thought, remembering Snoke’s memory from the throne room. The droid at the entrance approached you, it’s single large eye giving you the once over. 

“Please state your purpose here.”

You hesitated. Your master hadn’t told them to expect you? 

“I’m here on orders from the Supreme Leader,” you tried. 

The medi-droid gave no indication of an answer, and you turned your head, searching around the hall for anything you could see that would help.

“Commander.”

You twisted round the opposite way to see Ren emerge from the corridor, alone. His domed helmet bounced the lights back from the ceiling as he entered the medbay and blinded you momentarily. You were surprised he didn’t hit his head on the lowered lighting. 

“Commander.” You replied in greeting. He approached you, coming to a stop slightly closer than you would have liked. He said nothing but extended his arm, opening his gloved hand. Your heart stopped when you saw the data chip in his palm.

“Supreme Leader sent me here with this under strict orders.”

You tried your best not to move too fast, but you couldn’t help but snatch it from his grasp. The tiny chip was disposable, but you still felt a need to protect it. Why had Supreme Leader trusted Ren with it of all people? Ren cocked his head at you. 

“What is it?” 

“Me.” You replied, simply. 

He continued to stare at you, but you turned instead to the medi-droid. 

“Are there any active POS-11 units on this ship?”

“Yes, Commander. There is one.”

You already knew where to look. Turning your back on the droid, you made your way through the medbay, avoiding the gurneys either side and various droids that sped past you. It took you a moment to realise that Ren was following you. 

Irritant, you thought loudly. 

He didn’t slow, so you continued through the medbay until you were at the rear. The wall curved outwards slightly, so there were no gurneys this end. You cast a quick look at Ren over your shoulder before sliding your hand out of your glove and pressing your hand on the biosecurity lock. You slid through an access door which was obscured unless you looked at it from straight ahead. Ren followed close behind you. It wasn’t that this room was hidden, per-say, more that to have it on show would arise questions that did not need answering. Your heart hammered in your chest, partly from the anxiety of being back in this room, partly from the fact that Ren was practically breathing down your neck. Sweat beaded on your upper lip and you wished you weren’t hindered by the helmet so you could wipe it off.

Stepping through to the other side, you found yourself in the room in which you had woken only a month prior. Just as you remembered; bright white walls, grey floor – very dull. There were a few tables surrounding the medical chair in the middle of the room. The viewport to your left gazed out over the side of the Supremacy, at a different angle than the view from your own quarters. A droid hovered patiently next to the cryofreeze chamber, it’s circular entrance a view straight from your nightmares. 

“Is this…?”

Ren was interrupted by the medi-droid, which jolted alert at the sound of his voice and hummed it’s way over to you. It levitated a few inches off the ground for hygiene. You couldn’t help a sliver of guilt as you remembered how dirty Ren’s boots were. You doubted he had cleaned them since your return. This droid was a dull shade of blue-grey, an older model than those which currently treated the wounded the other side of the wall. The medi-droid’s monotonous voice issued a request.

“Authorisation please.”

You raised your hand, lifting the First Order insignia stamped onto the droid’s chest plate and inserting the data chip into the slit beneath. The head tilted at you in a scarily human fashion before ejecting the chip from it’s chest. You furrowed your brow in confusion, taking the chip away and waiting for a response.

“Authorisation failed. Please try again using an authorised user.”

You hesitated a moment and turned to Ren. He glanced down at you before removing the chip from your hand and inserting it himself. Something inside the medi-droid began to whirr and it processed the information given from the chip before speaking again. 

“Access granted. This patient is scheduled for a medical assessment and appraisal.” The droid held out an arm stiffly towards the chair, mechanics in the elbow joint creaking in protest. “Please take a seat, Commander.”

Ah. Right. 

You turned to Ren, who cocked his head at you. 

“This may take a while. You don’t have to stay.”

If you could see his face, you were sure you’d see his eyes roll. When he didn’t make any motion to leave, you swallowed the twinge of fear that had crept it’s way into your throat and strode forwards, allowing yourself to be seated and lowered down on the chair until you were almost horizontal. The medi-droid began to flitter around, gathering equipment and sterilising frightening looking tools. Ren lifted one shoulder in a half shrug and turned to find somewhere to perch. He dragged out a stool from underneath a nearby table, seating himself on it before proceeding to remove his helmet. He shook out his hair and dropped his helmet down onto the table with a bang, startling the droid. He didn’t meet your eye, gaze flitting everywhere but towards you. Supreme Leader wanted him to see just how vulnerable you really were, perhaps? 

The droid finished preparations and made it’s way back over to you. Closing your eyes, you allowed the medi-droid to perform various scans on your extremities. It’s single eye flickered a dull blue beam over your torso, droning long medical terms which flew straight over your head. Ren was surprisingly patient throughout. You heard no complaints, and whenever you opened your eyes to look, he was looking the other way, studying the writing on the walls or simply lost in thought. 

“2 thoracic vertebrae are broken; T4 and T5.” 

The droid spoke mainly to itself, but you couldn’t help but feel irritated that it was admitting your weaknesses aloud for Ren to hear. He didn’t need to know. 

“Your data chip report says you were in perfect health when you were admitted. Along with the broken vertebrae you also have various skin lacerations, a sprained wrist, several -”

“-So fix it, droid.” You snapped. 

Ren huffed once. You kept your eyes shut and ignored him. These procedures went much quicker under anaesthetic. You hated being here. You weren’t sure whether to run screaming or punch something. You had known the injuries were bad, but the constant pain kept you strong.

The droid lifted your under shirt and exposed your abdomen. Your tunic rode up to just under your breasts and was pulled down until your hipbones were also exposed to the chill air. There was a sudden wet sensation as the medi-droid sprayed bacta onto your stomach. It tingled and fizzed like popping candy as the fresh laceration across your navel was encouraged to form new cells. A rustle of fabric caught your ear, and you splayed your fingers, holding Ren on his stool before he could move to get up. A single dimple appeared over his right eyebrow, and a wrinkle line shot between the pair. Other than that, his face betrayed nothing. 

“Please.”

He couldn’t see you. Not like this. 

You felt him relax into his seat again, no longer threatening to come over and watch. 

“You know I could have got to that creature before it bit you, if you hadn’t insisting on taking the entire base by yourself.”

You huffed out air through your nose and tried to ignore his attempt at humour. Whilst the droid continued to work, and Ren wouldn’t leave, you guessed it was a good time to talk. No better alliances were formed than those from boredom. 

“You spoke with the Supreme Leader?”

He nodded and his eyebrows relaxed, seemingly pleased that you were talking at all.

“Yes. There have been some…developments with the resistance. I’m moving back to the Finalizer, with you accompanying me.”

You lurched upright, propping yourself up on your elbows. The droid jerked away from you robotically, giving you a look that could only be described as a robotic version of shooting daggers. Your heart sunk at the thought of being away from your Master again, but was lifted again when you thought of the possibilities it could bring you. Maybe even extend your life. Maybe being away from him would be…No. You grit your teeth and lay back down on the table. 

“I see.”

Ren continued, his eyes narrowing as he tried to see to whatever the droid was doing by your navel. 

“I would prefer not to wait, but Supreme Leader insists we hold off until you have spoken with him.”

“Tonight, then. He is expecting me.”

Ren’s eyes flicked back up to your helmet. You stared right back at him, but he was looking at you with an emotion you couldn’t quite make out. He turned away from you, rescuing his former position on the stool and gazing out of the window. You kept your eyes trained on him. Since when were you so comfortable with the thought of being away from your Master? Ren was not your friend. Certainly, he was trustworthy, but that didn’t take away from the fact that you were a threat to him. You were sure he wouldn’t hesitate to end your life, nor you his, under the Supreme Leader’s order. 

But what about away from your Master? With you gone, he wouldn’t be hovering over your every move. Like Ren, you would be able to stray far from him, obey his commands yet chart your own course. It was a taste of a life you’d not known. Did you deserve it? No. Your eye caught sight of the chamber behind you, looming domed shape a reminder of the second chance you’d been given. Maybe things would be different for you this time. Your hands trembled, clenched together, picturing a life you could never know. One out of the shadow of the Supreme Leader. 

“What happened to you?”

His voice cut through the quiet, only matched by the low buzzing sound as the medi-droid continued up your body, pressing a few buttons and turning you onto your side. His eyes caught your own before glancing down to your abdomen and back up again. His question had an unmistakable undertone and you knew there was no point insulting the man with lies. You considered him a moment, closed your eyes, and replied quietly. 

“You give up a few things…chasing a better version of yourself.”

When you opened them again he was watching you intently. You dropped your chin and peered down at the mess of your stomach. Lacerations, new and old, merged together in a crisis-cross of scars. The medley of different tones of your skin colour made a marbled effect across your muscles. The largest scar of all was a crater next to your navel, where you had been subjected to feeding tubes at different times during your life. It was hideous. 

“What did you give up?”

A beat.

“Everything.”

He stood, slowly making his way closer to you. You suddenly felt parched, throat dry and burning. Nothing around you made a sound, not even the faint beeping of your heart rate monitor. 

“Me too.”

A vision passed through your mind again, from your own memories. The man from before, falling from a bridge. The darkness swallowed him like the ocean, leaving a gaping hole where he once stood. Ren flinched as he read the memory you had retained from his force expulsion. The one that had made his temper flare. You stood on the edge of the vision, daring to indulge your curiosity once more. 

“Who was he?”

Ren made a move as if to turn away, but didn’t.

“My father.”

You let out a single low hum. 

Patricide. No wonder the man was as haunted as he appeared from the outside. Ren’s eyes dared to show a faint glimmer of emotion, and there it was again: sadness. It just grazed the edge of your mind but it was there, fresh and burning all the same.

“Was it worth it?”

His fists balled, shoulders hunched up, but he said nothing. You settled with his lack of answer, making peace with it in your head. The artificial creature working over your body reached across your body and picked up a shiny miniature pair of scissors. It distracted you momentarily, your attention dwindled. 

“Without a doubt.” He growled, turning back to his stool, his face stone as he gazed out of the window. 

You stayed like that for what felt like hours, staring at the knight as he looked out of the window. You wished you knew what he was thinking, without being rude and glancing into his mind. The medi-droid continued working over you. Flipping onto your front, you supported your head by folding your arms under your chin. The droid opened up your shirt across your shoulders and began working to realign the bones. You winced slightly as it sprayed the cold liquid across your shoulder blades. A slight sound of fabric moving told you Ren was finally back in the land of the living.

“Why didn’t you get that fixed before?”

His angry undertones made for an accusatory statement. It ebbed from him once again, delicious and tempting. POS-11 made an incision, slicing through the meat on your back like butter and you gasped with unexpected agony. As you panted out an exhale, you replied with a breathy claim.

“The pain gives me strength. Why would I deny that?”

His lip twitched as he listened to your words. He must have used pain to give him strength. He had killed his own Father, that in itself should give him enough power to shatter stars. You yelped loudly as something cracked sharply behind you, and Ren shot up, the stool skidding out behind him. You thrust your hand out, fingers splayed, asking him silently to stay put without using the force. He didn’t move. You must have appeared so weak to him. Grinding your teeth together, you knees curled up underneath you as you assumed the foetal position. 

“I can’t watch this.”

Of course. He would hate to think of his partner being this weak. He must be so embarrassed. You couldn’t open your eyes so instead you listened to his footfalls as they grew faint, eventually disappearing altogether. Your shoulders suddenly were jerked backwards as the droid broke apart two abnormally fused cartilages.

You opened your mouth and let out a bloodcurdling scream. 

____________________________________________________________________

The ride down in the turbo lift to the lower levels took a lot longer than normal. Or at least, it felt like it did. Your newly fused spine was stiff, and every movement sent a hot stabbing pain across your entire upper back. You ached all over, feeling more like you’d been hit by a rampant Rancor than realigned by a medi-droid. It made sense that you had to suffer. You’d been far too complacent recently, lax with your training and negligent of your duties as Commander. The pain was a gift, a small taste of what could be done, should you fail in your mission with Ren. 

The remaining few hours spent in the back rooms of the med bay had mainly consisted of you screaming, both in pain and in fury at the POS-11 who continued to insist upon using a numbing agent. It had stopped asking when you sent a storage crate hurtling across the room. 

When the doors slid open, your vision was flooded red. There he sat, upon his throne, looking as wise and regal as any galactic ruler. You strode out of the turbo lift with confidence he now expected of you. The walk did not take long, and the Red guards looked at you with passive interest they regarded all with. You tried not to look at them, and came to the end of the walkway before the room opened up. You knelt before him, subservient, and dropped your head. You felt him chuckle more than heard it, a gleeful sound that made even the mightiest of men tremble in fear.

“When I received a request from Kylo Ren asking for you to accompany him to Abregado-rae, to say I was surprised would be an understatement.”

What? Ren told you that your Master had ordered you to accompany him! You lifted your head to look up at your Supreme Leader. He regarded you with curious interest, his vocal undertone one of playfulness. You weren’t surprised. You and Ren were his favourite toys, after all. 

“To then hear that you had uncovered an act of treason, and acted upon it so rashly…”, his harsh voice cut you to the quick. He raised his hand and curled his fingers inwards. “I just had to see it for myself.”

An unyielding pressure squeezed your head, like being dragged down into the deepest dark ocean depths. Your breath left you and you were dragged down into the darkness, watching the light above you fade to black. The pressure constricted and tightened, unrelenting, and you gave up your free will without a second thought. Snoke’s cackle was far into the distance as light entered your vision once more, and you were dragged into the memory of Regency 9. Darkness clouded your vision, the smell of sulphur filling your nostrils. If you couldn’t feel the cold durasteel on your knee, you could have sworn you were back on Abregado-rae. 

You re-lived the horror, the mindless slaughter, your Masters voice ringing in your ears, egging you on, encouraging you. Mindless beast that you were, you danced around the base, cutting down all who appeared in your mind to be enemies. You caught sight of Ren in your peripheral vision, crackling blade laying waste to the repulsive traitors. Together, you made your way across the factory, then the grounds outside, bathing in blood, never stoping, never relenting. A lizard-like beast crawled its way towards you, lashing it’s claws out in fury. You climbed it like a tree, swinging over it’s back and delicately removing it’s head. The burning fury behind your eyes caused yellow to flash back at you in your own visor, only infuriating you more. The demons sang happily in your mind, embracing the darkness and watching as you pulsed with dark energy.

Snoke chuckled, letting go of your mind. His slippery grip eased from around your ears, bringing the turbulent waters of your mind to a steady flow once again. You coughed as air returned to your lungs, spluttering up what you were sure was blood making it’s way down your throat. It wasn’t of course; it was nothing but a memory now. 

“But memories can be powerful things.” Your Master answered your thought, leaning forward in his chair. He had a small smile on his face, and even through your blood-shot eyes, the memory he thrust into your mind sent you reeling backwards. As you fell through the air, he showed you his own memory of you; a creature in a dark cubicle, buried beneath the earth. The cold whipped at his bare feet, the wet stone providing little grip as he peered inside the viewing slit. Your body shook with terror, cuts and blue bruises across your face, watery eyes staring longingly back at his own. You finally hit the floor on your rear, shock making you moan and frantically claw at your face. Supreme Leader only seemed more pleased by this apparent show of humanity, clapping his hands together once and holding them together in a prayer motion.

“Just as Ren learns control from you, it appears you are finally learning how to embrace your emotions.”

Panting, you stared at the figure, confusion across your face he could not see, but only sense through the force. Every fibre of your being ached, some dulled by the excruciating pain in your shoulders, but the sensations made you burn with brimming power. He was right, memories held power over you. They controlled your life, and every aspect of it. Every single moment of your past was shaping your future, even now, as you carved a new path. He was always right in the end. 

“You are fulfilling your purpose, Child. Soon, you will be able to serve me fully, as you have wished from the beginning.”

Calm washed over you as his silky voice brought with it a new hope. You agreed with him, as loudly as you could, throat burning with desire. All you had ever wanted was to be useful to him. To be a servant he could depend on. Nothing would make you happier than to give yourself to him fully. 

“Everything is progressing as I have forseen,” he proclaimed. “Ren’s current weakness has been due to the recent death of his Father, not because of your superiority in combat.”

He smirked and your heart sank. Of course. Your mind flashed back to what he told you in the med bay, and the sadness and confusion you sensed in him. It all made sense now. You had known Ren was stronger with the force than you, and there had been stories reaching even your ears about his skills with a blade. It had been a shock at first, to see how he lashed out with his weapon, unbalanced and feral. Even dark side users had to maintain some form of internal balance to keep their skills intact. 

Snoke nodded in time with your internal monologue, stroking his chin with his thumb. 

“Of course. The scar on his face is a reminder to him that he must not let himself be twisted by good intentions.”

Having regained your breath and some semblance of balance, you stood, shakily, before your Master. You felt like your soul was being spit in half. It felt right, having Snoke answer every thought that went through your mind. You didn’t need to say a word, as you had in the past. He would tell you anything you needed to know, and there were no secrets. Everything was how it should be. You turned your attention away from your own misery for a moment, and asked him a question you had been plagued with all afternoon.

“What is the purpose of my moving, Master?”

You held your breath, hand clenched in anticipation. Snoke rocked his head back, observing you. His uneven skull balanced precariously on his neck as he confided his answer to you.

“There have been matters involving the resistance which take president to your training with Ren. These are personal matters, and none of your concern.” 

The threat in his voice was heavy, making you swallow your nerves. You weren’t interested anyway. The only thing you wanted to do with the resistance was kill each and every one of them for daring to disrupt the peace your Master was trying to usher into the universe. The anger swirled inside of you, kraken-like tendrils of dark emotion sheathing around your bones, wrapping you in a cloud of powerful energy.

“Concentrate.”

The energy dimmed.

“Sorry, Master.”

“General Hux will be transferring with you as well. From what I have seen, he is the officer you seem less likely to dismember.” He smirked. “As much as I appreciate your concern for loyalty from my officers, rest assured Hux can be trusted.”

You thought back to the few memories of Hux you had, and your Master watched. You admired the way he stood up to both Ren and yourself. He was probably the only General in the order who could tolerate you both whilst still remaining respectful. You remembered how you would watch him for hours on the bridge, simply enjoying watching him at work. Finally, an officer who could command and not let the power go to his head. Snoke nodded to himself, apparently confirming his thoughts. He leaned forwards, as if confiding a great secret. 

“Keep them both in line for me. Ren has his own agenda to follow; I just need you to keep him focused.”

Bowing your head low, your back sang with pain. You could do that. Easy. 

“I will not fail you, Master.”

Snoke grinned, hideously, baring his teeth like a rabid dog. It didn’t meet his eyes as he waved his hand, ushering you out. 

“I’ll be watching.”


	13. Settled

“She’s beautiful, isn’t she.” Hux said proudly, crossing his arms over his chest and not even trying to fight the smug grin that encompassed his face. 

You nodded absently in agreement. The Supremacy may have been the flagship of the Supreme Leader, but you knew this was where both of the men standing either side of you felt truly at home. The star-destroyer was familiar to you in a way that the Supremacy had not been, it’s ancient shape forged by the emperor himself in the times of the Galactic Empire. It was a simple, yet sleek design, installing both awe and terror in those who bore witness to it. The limo rattled loudly as it passed through the gravity field surrounding the ship. The shuddering was intense, even you had to grab on to the wall beside you so as not to loose balance. You hissed through your teeth in pain as the pilots steadied the shuttle, bringing her in. 

As the ship settled, Hux moved first, standing with his hands clasped behind his back at the entrance to the ramp as he watched it descend. The first officer and other crew members scurried like mice around the three of you, eager to make their own escape from what you were sure was a less than pleasant atmosphere on board. Once the ramp hit the floor, you expected to follow him off the ship, but curiously, he didn’t move. You cast him an odd look before marching straight past him and into the hangar. It was just one long hall, with a strange shape. Various transport shuttles were strategically placed along the floor, each marked out with beaming lights The hangar was half the size of the one on the Supremacy, and the walls were lines with TIE-fighters of all shapes and sizes.  
The fighters lining the walls stepped up in groups of four, encompassing both sides. As it had been on the Supremacy, squads of stormtroopers marched in and out of view, although the presence of other officers was less felt. 

Hux and Ren both marched uniformly from the limo into the hangar behind you, a manoeuvre you had no doubt had been perfected over years of practise. Their footfalls were in perfect synchronicity, to your curious observations. Much in the way you had noticed officers’ heartbeats synchronise when in close proximity to them, the unconscious dual footfalls of the apprentice and the general did more than peak your interest. You watched them from halfway across the hangar, half turned towards them in an awkward awareness, and your ears pricked up to hear the last remnants of their conversation. 

“…Might I remind you that this is my ship.” Hux muttered to Ren, who seemed not the least bit interested. “Not some fancy training vessel. You can’t expect…”

They passed you, suddenly going quiet. Neither of them glanced your way as you fell into step at their rear. Muttering to yourself, your eyes flashed around, making quick mental notes of the nearest exits, what types of droid were scattered around, and most importantly –

“ – and of course, it will be staying in my quarters for now.”

You skidded to a halt, face inches from Ren’s enormous back. His annoying habit of suddenly stopping whilst you were walking behind him would be the death of your pride one day. Hux carried on a few more paces, riding crop swinging against his leg, before turning to face the knight. His eyes darted back towards your figure. He looked startled by Ren’s sudden tension, even though he must surely be used to it by now. You internally groaned at the thought of having to step in between a cat fight.

Taking yet another side step, you gracefully pivoted around Ren’s statue-like figure, taking in his body language. His back was ram-rod straight, mask obviously giving nothing away to the untrained eye. But of course, you could sense a little more than that. The tiniest sliver of anger began to bubble inside of him, spilling to the top but not yet causing any physical reactions. What exactly was Hux putting in his quarters to have him react in such a way? 

“Not a chance.”

Ren’s voice was meticulously low, dropped so deep an octave that it was almost completely out of the synthesiser. The tone of it sent a literal shiver across your upper arms. You didn’t move, bordering on the edge of rationality, eyes flickering back and forth between General Hux and Commander Ren. The tension in the air was palatable, heavy with burning undertones of years of pent up hatred towards each other. Your Master’s words ebbed through your mind. They were both on missions that were none of your business. Your job was to keep them both focused on those missions, and not on each other. Time to earn your keep, you supposed.

Reaching a gloved hand out, you gripped on to Ren’s upper arm, rock hard bicep tensed under layers of fabric, and pushed past him, into the line of fire between himself and Hux. Both men stood taller than you, but only Ren was muscular enough in physical form to pose any kind of threat. They both watched you curiously, Ren’s anger slipping away like water through his fingers at the sight of you disturbing his testosterone fuelled pissing contest. Hux’s face was a mixture of confusion and frustration, deliciously saturated with a tiny amount of embarrassment that tinged the tops of his high cheekbones blush pink. 

“I would appreciate not having to mediate between the both of you whilst I am here.” 

You spoke calmly, but with confidence, and you made it clear with your tone that your words were not a request. You may have been the newest in the rankings, but you were by no means to be disregarded in the power struggle.

Ren’s fists loosened from their tight grip but remained furled shut, and he looked at you with strange regard. The general let out a low sound from his throat, almost a snort, and turned his nose up at you, twirling on his heel with all the elegance of a trained dancer and continuing his march down the corridor. A heartbeat passed before Ren barged past you, following him, and you sucked in your cheeks as you found yourself at the back of the parade all over again. 

Why did these men act like such children around each other? You’d never known anything like it. This was akin to the rivalries you’d heard about as a child, between great civilisations, only this time it was between two mortal men. Had officers behaved like that when you were in charge, a lightsaber to the chest would be last on their list of concerns. 

Rounding the corner after them, you arrived at what appeared to be a security foyer. In the room opposite you, Ren was already walking atop the command walkway towards a window which looked out over what you were sure was a spectacular view. Like a rain cloud on a sunny day, your view was suddenly crowded over by the slight General, lip twitching in acknowledgement of you. He invaded your space a bit too much for your liking. 

“Commander.”

“General.” You replied in turn. 

“Why are you here?” Hux enquired curtly. He held himself upright with practised professionalism, but his eyes gave away a sliver of annoyance. “One helmeted lunatic aboard my vessel is enough.”

You bristled, and a blurred truth slid seamlessly through your lips.

“Supreme Leader has felt it best if his apprentice is kept an eye on.”

It wasn’t a lie, but it didn’t reveal anything of importance. Hux’s face turned quizzical. 

“You’re not a Knight of Ren, are you?”

With all that had happened in the past few weeks, it was so easy to forget that to the First Order, besides Ren and the Supreme Leader, you were a nameless masked commander who had suddenly appeared from nowhere, prowling around the ship, lurking in the shadows of Kylo Ren. Hux knew of your training from Snoke, but you could see wherein the confusion would lie. 

“No, General, I’m not.”

He visibly deflated at your words, and proceeded to wet his lips before speaking again. 

“Good. I will have someone escort you to my quarters, where you will wait for -”

“-I would prefer to familiarise myself with the ship, if that is to your approval, General.”

You had blurted quickly, interrupting the man, but all but purred the last words, straightening up and lowering your head down in a mock bow, playing on his obvious weakness to flattery. Like a moth to a flame he spluttered and burned at your feet, red rising in his cheeks again.

“Of course.”

Turning on your heel, you left him stood in the security foyer, chest swollen with pride. You would have to find Ren later. Unlike your counterpart, you actually knew how to get Hux to do what you wanted. Maybe Ren could take a leaf out of your book for once. 

_____________________________________________________________________

After a thankfully uneventful few hours walking from one end of the Finalizer to the other, memorising the walkways and layout, you eventually found yourself on the officers deck. The pod-like holes in the wall were supposedly doors which led to the officers sleeping chambers; small, you thought, but comfortable. A squad of stormtroopers gave a half-hearted salute as they jogged past, leaving a musky trail of body odour behind them. Even vented through your muzzle it was enough to make you squint in distaste. You tread carefully, keeping out of everyone’s way as much as you could. The corridor opened up slightly the further down you walked, and the rooms became larger and larger. The end of the corridor housed only a handful of entranceways, each with intimidating looking security systems in obvious place outside. Placing your hands on your hips, you admired the effort the General had gone to defend his quarters. 

Circling back around, you followed a mouse droid for another half hour or so before eventually ending up back at the bridge. It was almost the end of the day-shift, and you could see the staff struggling to keep their eyes open. An officer nearest the door already had his data pad and his coat on, ready to switch with the night-staff. 

You could say you were surprised to see Kylo Ren still stood motionless on the bridge, but that would be a lie. You’d watched him before, on the Supremacy, from your favourite nook out of sight on the bridge. For hours he would stand, doing nothing in particular except gazing out of the window at the stars. You had half-heartedly guessed it was his way of meditating, but then again it seemed more like his mind was somewhere else completely rather than within himself. Sometimes you could see faces, hear faint voices as they flitted through his mind, but never anything substantial. 

You wanted to join him, but your body hesitated to move. Ren had lied to you. Perhaps not with malicious intent, but he had ordered you to join him in the raid on Regency 9 under false pretences of orders from your Master. You weren’t sure whether you could trust him at the moment. Ren was one half of the whole pair of creatures that had your trust; could you really afford to lose him?

You pushed your shoulders back and held your head high, stepping through the security foyer and onto the commanders walkway towards Ren with confidence you didn’t feel. Officers in the crew pit glanced up momentarily, before loudly distracting themselves with meaningless drivel about transport codes. Their fear swarmed you like a plague of insects, and you lapped it up in droves as you stalked across the walkway to the main viewport. 

“Enjoying yourself?”

“Just getting my bearings, Commander.”

Ren nodded over his shoulder as you neared. Just around his frame, you could make out the view over the Finalizer. Hux was right, it was a stunning view over the ship and the surrounding systems. Entire galaxies passed you by, stars sparkling like jewels on a deep navy backdrop, and in the distance you could just make out the green orbs of a passing nearby planet and it’s moons.

“Hux…”, you muttered.

Ren began to tap his finger against his side. 

“You already know what he was talking about.”

You pursed your lips together, confused. 

“He thought I would be safer with him?”

You were certain Ren smirked under his helmet. The little jerking motion caught your eye.

“Other way around. Personal bodyguards are pretty expensive, even for him.”

Hux knew of your skill set, he had told you that before. You wondered just how much Snoke had told him. Did he know for instance that you had been directly responsible for the death of a dozen of his peers in the past week alone? He probably would feel less inclined to sleep at night with you guarding his door. 

“He thought I was one of your knights, you know.” 

You felt Ren’s grin then, definitely. The feeling was warm, and not at all unpleasant. 

“As much as I’d enjoy having you as a knight, I think you’d give even them a run for their money.”

Pride bloomed in your chest, welcoming and warm. Along with it came a new sense of the reality of your situation, and your feelings about Ren. 

You weren’t angry with him because of his white lie, simply because there was no malicious intent behind it. You joining him on Abregado-rae was the best thing that had happened to you in recent memory. You’d strengthened your bond, executed an entire base of worthless renegades in the process, and even started to come to terms with your new truth. 

The man in the black helmet had once been so painful to look at. His existence a reminder of your own failure. Now he was as familiar to you as the layout of your scars; the existence still painful, but it was comforting to retrace over the sensitive skin. The man underneath a dangerous creature with no room in his heart from anything other than darkness. 

Just like you. 

“When do you leave for your mission?” You kept your voice level.

A flash of images suddenly invaded your mind, almost too fast for your eyes to follow. You saw faces, men, women, resistance symbols, greenery, flashes of red and blue, a girl with funny hair, snow, explosions. You blinked and the images were gone, dashed away like sand in the wind. These were Ren’s thoughts, you mused, only daring to look at him through the very corner of your eye. He was normally so careful to keep them to himself. You must be becoming more attuned to him, like accidentally picking up a radio frequency. 

“I have many trails to follow.” He murmured. “My knights and I will be busy. You have your own orders?”

You nodded. Ren cast his gaze onto you, red light refracting from his visor, voice stern. 

“You don’t need me to say it, but watch yourself. You have no allies on this ship, and Snoke is not here to protect you.”

You tapped the lightsaber hilt on your belt with gloved fingers, reminding him.

“That’s why I have this.”

Ren glanced down at your hand, saddled with your thumb over the top of your belt. 

“Did you fix it yet?”

“…No.”

He grumbled. 

“Make sure you do. I don’t want to explain to the Supreme Leader why I’m returning you to him in a shoe box.”

Hell. That was some dark humour. Your mouth curled upwards in one corner, a tiny spark igniting in your chest. It flickered and died with the moment, but existed all the same. 

“Yes, Commander.”

You nodded a bow and backed away from him. Crossing back from across the walkway bridge, you slid to the left and up an engineering ladder onto the walkway above. It was wider than the one on the Supremacy, but perfect size for you to walk across. So you did, gently stepping around the outside of the bridge to one of the quieter corners. It was nowhere near as comfortable as your nook on the Supremacy, but you’d have time to find another spot tomorrow. 

For now, you really just needed some time to process your thoughts, and lick your wounds. Your shoulders were still stiff and painful from the correction, even though you knew they would be back to normal soon. Your Master had broken your back to make a point of your obedience. If what he said to Ren was true, then you had fallen right into his lap, demonstrating the lengths you were tied to your Master with breathtaking naivety. Maybe getting away from Snoke would be your chance to recover, physically and mentally. 

With that thought in mind, you crossed your legs, rested your hands palm down on your thighs, and tried to relax into a gentle stupor. 

_____________________________________________________________________

You woke a few hours later, in the dead of the night shift, an image of your Master behind your eyelids every time you closed them. You wiped the sweat from underneath your helmet as much as you could reach with your fingers. 

Craning your head around the corner and peering through the metal slats you sat on, the skeleton staff looked more asleep than you, even sat bolt upright at their desks. Twisting your upper body, you were pleasantly surprised that the pain across your shoulders and back had been reduced to a dull ache, meaning whatever damage done there was indeed healing fast. Your ears ached from a night inside the helmet, and you knew next time you slept you would have to find somewhere private so you could take it off. 

Realising you were too uncomfortable to sleep, you climbed down dextrously, jumping the last three feet down the ladder and sneaking away from the security foyer without a sound. Night time was more relaxing to you than any other. You could feel everything around you in perfect clarity. This was a much quieter ship than the Supremacy, even during the middle of the day-shift, but at night was where you could really sense the difference. Rounding a corner, you could already tell there would be a pair of stormtroopers guarding the corridor because of the dual heartbeats and breathing sounds reaching your ears. They peered down at you suspiciously as you passed them. 

Multiple twists and turns later, you found yourself in an empty corridor which appeared to lead to nowhere of importance. From the picture map in your memory, it was near to the droid command centre. 

What didn’t fit with the picture was General Hux, stood staring out of a viewport into empty space. 

His presence peaked your curiosity. It was the middle of the night. You were well aware his quarters were halfway across the ship, and he was still fully dressed in his uniform, crop and all. Hux didn’t seem the type of man to be scheming treason, so why on earth would he be secluding himself all the way down here? It was dark, shadows twisting and curling around everything in sight. The generals back half was black as midnight, white flesh thrown sharply out of contrast with the rest of his surroundings. He looked deep in thought, almost forlorn. Thoughts were easy to reach as they floated through his head like a lazy flowing river, however you found yourself unwilling to reach in and listen. 

You took a few silent steps forwards, head tilted curiously at the General, before remembering his reaction last time you had appeared behind him. It was habit for you to walk as silently as you could, and to instigate a heart attack in Snoke’s favourite officer would not earn you any favours. You gently cleared your throat.

Hux’s upper lip twitched, and a single thin strand of finely oiled hair fell onto his forehead. You had to give him credit, he didn’t move another muscle after that. Perhaps General Hux had a sturdier backbone than you had initially thought. Hux’s eyes travelled the entire width of the window and carried on until they eventually dropped down to your helmet. He appeared calmer than usual, perhaps melancholy, even. Your hands folded behind your back and you stood at ease.

“ I wasn’t expecting anyone to be awake so late.”

Rubber sole gripping the durasteel silently, you stepped forwards next to Hux, his pale face illuminated by the dust from a thousand distant stars. The darkness of the corridor behind you slashed both of you neatly in half vertically, creating a strange two-dimensional image of the pair of you. 

“It’s early.” You responded gently. 

Hux checked the data pad in his pocket and his mouth turned downwards. 

“So it is.”

Silence consumed the corridor once more, almost as though neither you or the General stood overlooking the stars. The silence was not as weighted as the one’s you endured with Ren, but you could sense there were many voices and questions on the officer’s mind. The man had been an enigma since you’d met, and was unlike any other officer you’d known. Every time you thought you were getting close to figuring him out, he would do something unexpected. If you had any, you would pay thousands of credits to know what he was really like underneath his cold exterior. You decided not to let the opportunity go to waste.

“Speak freely, General. There are no secrets here.”

Hux’s eyebrow raised suspiciously, and his eyes darted across to you, possibly considering the fact that you could be a mental encroacher, like Ren. You would not lie to him, although there may be some omitted truth if he brought up the wrong subjects. Keeping your mind to yourself, you allowed him free reign of his own without disturbance, curious yourself as to what Hux had on his mind. 

“You’re not a knight,” Hux began, stating a fact he knew to be true. “Yet from what I can tell you are a force user, the same as Ren.”

It wasn’t a question, but you knew what he was working up to. 

“Yes.”

Running through multiple scenarios in your mind, you saw no immediate danger by informing Hux of your true nature. You kept your voice level, calm and monotone; something you were well rehearsed in. 

“I was the first apprentice of the Supreme Leader, over 20 years ago.” You hesitated between sentences, making sure to word everything very carefully. “When my Master sensed the presence of his successor, I was put under ice as a precaution. Now I am here to keep Ren in line, and serve my Master once again.”

It felt strange to say aloud, and far too simple to reflect the true complexity of the situation. Like a scary bedtime story to tell children. You were the monster under the bed, ready to be set on the unsuspecting child, should they fall onto the ground. In this scenario, it seemed almost humorous to imagine Ren as the child. 

Hux coughed, a low sound you weren’t sure was unintentional. You glanced towards him, watching his pale green eyes flicker across the view, processing what you were sure was information to be stored and remembered. He was like you, in that sense. Placed information away safely in the back of the mind as he was sure it would be useful someday. 

“I see.”

Enough talking about yourself, a voice cooed in your ear. You want to know about Hux, remember?

“What about you, General? ”

Hux raised his chin, pride making his face jut out ever so slightly. 

“I have great ambition, Commander. I see order and control in the galaxy, and a firm ruler at it’s command.”

A flickering image passed out of reach before you could grasp at it, but something was off. He was purposefully repressing it. Your brow creased. Hux knew if he thought about things too much they could be plucked from his mind. The man had great control. You couldn’t help but respect him even more; aside from the pitiful attempts to grasp at power just beyond his reach, the pure willpower of him astounded you. Still, that niggle at the back of your mind refused to ease. You had to make sure. Eyeing him sideways, you asked your question directly and with purpose. 

“Where do your loyalties lie?”

His eyes glanced your way and his chin dipped lower. 

“With Supreme Leader Snoke, of course.”

Well done, General. 

His words were not untrue, you could sense that much. But the man craved power, and even those that sat on the throne could be toppled from it. Of course, your Master was far too powerful for a man like Hux to be any credible opponent, but you appreciated his ambition. It was rare to find a regular person these days with such solid futuristic aims. 

Another strand of fiery hair fell forwards onto Hux’s eyebrow, his pale orbs reflecting in your visor. 

“And your allegiance lies with Snoke alone?”

You barely moved an inch, but turned your head at just the right angle to present the threat intended in your voice. 

“Yes.”

Hux grazed across your visor before returning to watch out of the window, and you also returned to watching the stars outside. You weren’t sure how much time passed before Hux spoke again. 

“Something is coming. Supreme Leader has felt it. He knows the end of the war is near.”

Your ears pricked up, tension suddenly a ridged arch across your shoulders. The war would end soon? What did that mean? Hux turned his nose away from you, so you could not see his face, only the weak line of his jaw. 

“I like you, Commander. You are respectful and powerful, traits Ren only possesses one of. I see great potential in you.”

You sucked in your cheeks and nodded. Hux was so direct, you appreciated that. 

“A word of advice, if I may. It would be unwise of you to devote yourself to only one other, Commander. Things change fast during wartimes.”

“He isn’t just my Master, General.” You snapped. “He is my family. My blood bond.”

Hux turned to face you, hands clasped behind his back, looking towards you in earnest. 

“You are aware of the saying, blood is thicker than water?”

Hux smiled wryly on one side of his mouth as you nodded, leaning forwards again to whisper, breath fogging up the visor on your helmet with tiny droplets of water. 

“The full saying is blood of the covenant is thicker than the waters of the womb. Meaning that bonds formed by choice are stronger than those blood bound. I should know better than most, Commander, that true strength lies in the ones we choose to acquaint ourselves with, rather than those we commit to out of misplaced loyalty.” 

Hux turned away from you, disappearing down the corridor and into the shadows, leaving you stunned and silent on the walkway, wondering why at the moment he had asked about your loyalties, Ren’s face had appeared in your mind.

_____________________________________________________________________

The droid made a screaming sound as the bolts inside clamped together and then came apart with a bang, sending metallic shards flying in each direction. Your eyes flashed around to the second orb, whirring manically and gushing past you at ridiculous speed. It headed straight for him, locked on and firing up the blaster hidden inside. 

Ren reached out his other hand braced into a half crouch and sent the droid wailing into it’s counterpart, then gripped his fingers together and wrenched the artificial life forms together, twisting and mangling them into an unspeakably ugly ball of heated metal and wires. His unruly hair was wet and slick with sweat, stray strands falling across his face in a raven curtain. His dark eyes focused intently, alight with the killing desire you liked so much to see. 

It was surreal to watch him. When you fought with him, he moved and fought like a primal hunter, all brawn and physical power and no grace. Watching him now however, it was like a completely different person. He was lighter on his feet than you’d remembered, thrashing but not outright brutish. You hummed to yourself. Your Master was right. Ren had been held back by conflicting emotions brought on by the death of his father. As time passed and he grew stronger with the darkness, the emotional turmoil had started to fade away, replaced by deep focus and determination. It was a bitter pill to swallow. 

As the lump of molten metal fell to the floor with a crash, Ren dropped his hands, taking a shaky breath and wetting his lower lip with his tongue. His head fell backwards slightly, high necked collar wrinkling with the weight. You leaned against the wall on the far side of the training room, watching him move, dark silhouette stark against the bright white walls. He was head to toe in black, as was the norm with you both. His layered arm garments moved perfectly around his muscles, allowing full flexibility. You looked down at your own arms, gazing absently at the similarities between his fabric and your bandages. They peeked through every gap in your armour, concealing the creature beneath. Maybe they were old fashioned now, in need of replacing. You really needed to invest in a new uniform. Perhaps it was time to pull favour with Hux. 

“Feel free to join in, Commander.”

You jerked away from your daydreaming and focused on the man in front of you, now crouching down with his head cocked towards you. You shook your head in the negative. 

“You need to focus on getting stronger. I can only do so much.”

“These droids do nothing for me. A child could beat these, armed with a stick.”

You sighed at his growing frustration and pointed to the ball of metal groaning at his feet.

“You’re relying too much on your mental prowess. Between force choking Hux every other day, establishing mental torture with resistance prisoners and favouring to destroy enemies before they get close, you’re going to forget how to swing a lightsaber, Commander. I won’t be responsible for the weak link in the forging of a dynasty because you can’t commit to drilling with droids.”

His breath hitched and you swallowed. 

You’d never said so much all in one go. He shook his head and looked down at the floor before standing to his full height. With a twist of his enormous torso, he began to bare down upon you, walking with a little more vigour than you would have liked. Your hand gently moved to touch the saber by your belt, resting your palm easily against the end. His eyes flashed down as he walked, coming to a stop just a few meters from you. Looking up at him through your eyelashes, you slipped your hand back down to your side. 

“And you’re the exact opposite, Commander. I can count on one hand the amount of times I’ve seen you use the force during combat.”

You recoiled as if he’d struck you.

“I…”

You stuttered, tripping over to find your next words, but drew a complete blank. Had you been avoiding using the force in real fights? You flashed back to the past few weeks, all the times you’d spent training. Ren folded his muscular arms across his chest and heaved a breath that made his whole upper body engorge. You looked away from him.

“On Takodana, you were like nothing I’d ever seen. Was that the first time you’d fought since coming back?”

A memory stirred, of the battle through Ren’s eyes; you, alive with dark energy, sweeping a chaotic red surge of blood across green fields, crackling energy and the smell of sulphur thick in the air. 

You delicately nodded; Takodana held few memories for you. You’d allowed emotion to drive you, becoming monstrous and unhinged during the fighting. Partly, you had been glad of the opportunity to wreak havoc and draw on the dark force energy you had been separated from for so long. You had also been suppressing your anger at Snoke’s new apprentice, embarrassed at being seen with him. Together with your new found lust for life, it had been a terribly one-sided battle. Ren stepped forwards, closing the space between you more. He had watched the memories you were sure, by the wide-eyed stare he was boring into your visor.

“This war will end soon. I want that person by my side in the coming conflict.”

The hollowed out space just above your diaphragm did a twist, like a knife jutting into your stomach. You gave Ren the tiniest of agreements, still avoiding his eyes. Snoke would want that, you mused. His words rang in your ears.

Perhaps he will unlock more potential in you too.

“Supreme Leader always said that emotional detachment was necessary to be able to complete any mission.” You murmured, eyes clouding over. “Yet here you stand before me, encouraging instability. To let go of my control, as I did on Takodana.” 

You looked back up at him, trying to gauge his reaction. His eyes flashed over your visor, searching once again for your own. His eyebrows were drawn together, lips puckering the tiniest amount as he delved into his thoughts. That was often the only response you could get from him.

“You say you want that person at your side, Ren. But how can you trust a monster like me not to turn on you?”

Your voice very nearly cracked. 

Almost, but not quite. 

“Monster’s are heroes to the other side of a war, you know. It’s all about perspective.”

Lifting your head higher to look at him, you very slowly absorbed his words. He was looking down and away at something you couldn’t see, eyes half lidded in thought. He was close enough now that you could feel the warmth from his body passing in the space between you. The surrounding room was dull in colour, noises from the corridor faded. You could hear two heartbeats; simultaneous, two sets of breathing; one harsh, one soft. Ren smiled uncharacteristically softly and turned away from you before you could fathom a reply, jilting his voice upwards as he strode away from you. 

“Let go of your control, Commander.” 

He addressed you over his shoulder and you pushed yourself away from the wall by your elbows, jogging to join him in the centre of the room. He looked over his shoulder at you, contrasting pale skin against his ebony hair highlighted by the overhead lights.

“And you, Commander Ren, need to control your emotional outbursts.”

He smirked at you, and your chest squeezed tightly, but not painfully as it usually did. This time it was more akin to an embrace.


	14. Sanity

You grunted, raising your left arm to parry the swinging lightsaber that came crashing down from above. Even with warning, Ren’s assault was barbaric and powerful, and he pushed his full weight down into the swing. Your weaker side elbow creaked, grit teeth under the strain, red flashing inches from your face. With another forceful push from Ren, your right knee buckled and you went down backwards, landing painfully on your coccyx. Air rushed from your lungs straight out of your open mouth, and you crashed backwards onto your helmet, winded and stunned. 

Laying flat out on your back, you could do nothing but stare at the ceiling, gasping for breath like a landed fish. Your left hand fell to the floor, lightsaber deactivating and rolling out of your fingers, right hand splayed protectively over your stomach, covering your exposed abdomen. Your chest felt painfully tight as you waited for the pressure in your diaphragm to return to normal. 

A black helmet appeared above you, upside down and cocked at an angle. 

“That’s twice now I’ve knocked you flat. What’s wrong with you?”

You grit your back teeth, grinding loudly into the molars. Ren visibly winced at the noise it produced. You opened your mouth to reply, but could do nothing but let out a low gasping sound. How embarrassing. Ren’s helmet disappeared, and you were momentarily faced with nothing but the white ceiling lights. 

It had been three weeks since you’d arrived on the Finalizer. You weren’t sure if it was because Hux had intended on bunking with you originally, but the officer in charge of personnel hadn’t bothered to set up living quarters for you. Apparently, they were full on the officers deck, even though you’d offered to kill one of the lower ranking ones just to have their room. Somewhere quiet to meditate would be enough; you’d been trying to sleep on the walkway above the bridge for now. An impossible task, and the effects from lack of sleep were starting to show in training. 

As your breathing slowly returned to normal, you pushed yourself up on your elbows, closing your eyes as the room span with vertigo, blood rushing to your ears, white light flashing behind your eyelids. Upon opening them again, you saw Ren sitting down opposite you on the other side of the room. He had removed his helmet, deactivated his blade, and crossed his legs in much the same way you did. With a scowl you righted yourself, holding your side with one hand and inspecting a burn to your glove as you walked. It was hard not to make it obvious, but you very nearly collapsed down next to Ren, saving it at the last second by bracing your arms on your legs. 

“Sorry, Commander.”

You let yourself go, falling flat onto your back. Your helmet made a loud ‘thwack’ as it hit the floor below, and your ears rang. You were beyond tired, and way past caring. Ren didn’t even move to look at you, so you eyed him curiously from the side. His jaw was clenched, tension running obviously down his dorsal nerve as he sat bolt upright, like he was being shocked with a thousand volts. Gloved fingers tightly gripped his leather-clad knees and you could practically see his toes curling inside his boots. 

You gave him a few minutes to calm down. He always got worked up during training, it helped him focus. That was good, you reminded yourself. Something you should be practising, if you were to channel your emotions; releasing more frustration during battle. 

“Did I hurt you?”

You glanced down at the flesh exposed on your palm from the lightsaber burn, stinging with grazed nerve endings. You thought about the bruise forming on your coccyx, the pain in your elbow and knee, blood pounding through your ears making your vision throb with pulse. 

“No.”

Silence passed, first seconds, then stretching into minutes. The tightness in your chest began to unravel as you focused on calming yourself, taking steadying breaths that hissed through your air filter.

“Whatever is holding you back, it’s not physical.”

Ren’s sudden voice cut through the quiet. 

“You’ve been absent for days now.”

“I’m not sure what you mean, Commander. I’ve attended every -”

“Mentally, Commander. You’re not here in your mind.”

In my mind, you thought. What could he mean? 

Laying on your back, you continued to stare at the ceiling. Your mind had been on your last encounter with Snoke more often than not the past few days. Ren had been trying to get you to fight more with your emotions by tousling you up during training, trying to goad you into releasing some emotion. But it was so hard to undo years of drilled in control, especially from a Master like Snoke. 

You clenched your jaw tightly. It was true, you supposed. That fact combined with lack of sleep, you hadn’t been giving your all in the training sessions. You simply weren’t trying hard enough to let go. That thought frustrated you to no end, and you felt the beginnings of a headache begin to throb in your temples. 

A sliver of liquid begin to trail down your throat and you gagged and choked, chest heaving upwards and off the floor. The taste of blood ran across your tongue, metallic and sharp. You coughed again, twisting over so you were no longer led on your back, blood gurgling into your throat creating an inhuman noise. Licking your lips, the sharp tang of blood was warm, dribbling down your face and pooling around your chin. You brought your sleeve up to the bottom of your helmet, where the edge of it met with the bandages on your neck and wiped along the rim, stemming the blood flow that had begun trailing down your face from your mouth and nose. 

Ren was up faster than you could see, twisting his body round so he was kneeling beside you. You tilted your head sideways to look at him and realised your vision was already blurred over. Damn.

“Shit.”

Ren’s hand reached out and gripped the back of your helmet firmly. He knelt in front of you as you coughed more blood, the unpleasant sensation of liquid in your sinuses bringing up bile into your throat. Keep calm, you tried, it’s just a nosebleed. You leaned your face back and tried to take a slow inhale, but snorted another bubble of mucus-like substance to the back of your throat, spluttering as the clot popped in your windpipe. You held on for a few seconds more, spluttering from under your mask and dry heaving for air. Your head was spinning, lights flashing behind your eyes as your brain fought for oxygen it wasn’t getting. This was bad, even for you. 

“What the -”

You turned your head at the sound just enough to see Ren’s glove pulling away from your face, blood dripping down from raised fingers. Lifting your own hand up, you grazed the pads of your gloved fingers against the muzzle of your mask, and withdrew them, eyes focused just enough to see that blood had began to trickle from the metal vents in your mask that allowed you to breathe. You needed to take it off, or risk choking on your own blood. 

But Ren was right there.

Ren heard your thoughts, putting both hands on the underside of the helmet. The release of pressure on your ears betrayed Ren’s attempted action, and your hand whipped around to grab his wrists, fingers barely managing to circle them. You squeezed hard and he flinched, dropping his grip on your helmet, and you looked at him, bright spots flashing in your vision. 

“Don’t you dare,” you hissed with the last of your valuable air.

Something was squeezing your chest tightly, the warm embrace of unconsciousness perhaps? Darkness encompassed your vision from the edges in, and you thought that you had passed out, but quickly noticed small gaps of light. Ren growled, his hand over your visor, holding your struggling form against his chest. You fought against him to the last second, bringing your arms over your head to claw at his face as his words reached your ears. 

“Sleep.”

__________________________________________________________________

Floating.

Floating through dark clouds and stars. 

How strange, to be so lightweight. 

Caught in zero gravity without a care in the world. 

You waved your hands in front of your face, smiling deliriously when you couldn’t see them.

So this was death. 

How peaceful.

The shackles that bound you to the mortal plain were finally gone. 

But wait. 

What is this. 

One remained. 

Tied tight around your ankles. 

It began to drag you back down. 

And now you were falling.

Falling.

Down. 

Falling. 

Darkness.

Falling.

Into.

Something.

Warm.

Warm. 

Your feet were warm. 

How strange.

You curled your toes to find them pulling against something soft around your midsection. You felt light, as though you were asleep on a cloud of smoke. Asleep? You couldn’t be asleep, you’d died, right? You’d fallen in that strange place of darkness and light. 

With a strong will, you kept your eyes closed, afraid of what you’d see should they open. You’d much rather stay here, in the dead space between worlds. Unfortunately for you, the human need for consciousness cried for attention. The weight of something across your legs was there, along with the realisation that you were led on your back on something equally soft. You opened your eyelids sparingly - they were completely blurred over from sleep, and it seemed an eternity before they eventually came into focus. 

You took a long, slow inhale through your nose, revelling in the privilege of breathing and your eyes focused past the visor and onto the ceiling of the room you were in. White ceiling, bright light panels. Standard for all First Order rooms. That didn’t give you any clues as all. Testing your manoeuvrability, you twisted your head one side, then the other. Your head felt heavy; your movements, sluggish. The first side was dark, encased in shadows, what appeared to be tables and pipes jutting in the corner. The second side proved much more fruitful in determining where you are. 

Kylo Ren stood facing out of a window, his arms folded over his chest with his back to you. 

The memory of your violent nose bleed in the training room finally caught up with your conscious brain, and you let out a low groan. It occurred to you then that your throat was numb, and the sound you produced sounded more like a growl. Ren turned at the sound and thrust a sharp gaze your way. It was odd to see him without his armour, but even more so in this situation. A moment later, something else struck you.

Your helmet was still on. 

Thank the stars. 

A headache pounded in your temples, eyes finally focusing clearly on the man in front of you. He turned away from the window and began to slowly walk forwards, gaining momentum and speed as he covered the ground. His thick hair was unkempt and ruffled characteristically out of place. His face was the same as you’d remembered it before, oversize nose, plush lips and eyes that felt like they would stare right through you. They stared at you now, deep ebony orbs encompassed by flecks of brown and green. He kept coming closer and didn’t slow down. Worried he would plough right through the bed you lay on, you instinctively reached for your belt, only to find it missing. Panicked, you thrust your hand out towards him, fingers splayed. The action was a universal symbol to stop; a plea, in your case.

And stop he did, violently, right beside you. Air huffed through his nostrils as his gaze covered you, eyes flashing in the light. You lowered your hand down slowly back onto the bed, fingers finding the thin medical blanket that covered you up to your midsection. His lower lip trembled in agitation, but he moved no further. You spoke to him calmly, neither able nor willing to be confrontational. 

“How long have I been out?”

“Four days.”

His reply was stiff. Stunned silence encased your brain. Was that just sleep deprivation, or something else? Contrary to what you also knew about yourself, you didn’t remember having any night terrors during that time either. Your eyes flashed around inside your helmet before settling on Ren, and a reasonable conclusion. 

“I didn’t loose consciousness willingly, did I.”

“…No.”

He’d used mental manipulation on you. A dark side trick, corrupting your body to do whatever it was told to do. It was a vulgar feeling, to know that you’d been robbed of your free will, if only for a moment. It had been one of the methods Snoke favoured on you in early days of training, but you’d never had anyone else invoke their will over you before. You brushed your upper arms with your hands, rubbing them in comfort. You felt violated. Angry. 

Ren caught the emotions that began to trickle across the surface of your skin, and visibly winced at your accusatory undertones. You replied, our of courtesy.

“…I see.”

You rolled your head away from him, trying to remind yourself that it wasn’t the same as before. He was not Snoke. Your lip began to quiver, and you were glad of the helmet to cover your face. You rubbed your arms harder before squeezing tight, fingers digging into the fabric covering your arms. 

“Where am I?”

“My quarters. I asked to have you placed in your own after I took you to the med-bay, but for some reason your quarters aren’t on the system.”

Glad of the change of subject, you rolled over, looking back at Kylo Ren. His arms were folded across his chest, but strangely, he wore no gloves. Your eyes wandered across the place flesh of his hands, strong fingers and broad palms. A blue vein throbbed in the breadth of skin between his thumb and index finger, catching your eye. You murmured towards his general direction.

“No, I’m not on the system yet.”

“Hm.”

You continued to follow his hand as he uncrossed it, your eyes unfocused as he turned his back to you and perched himself on the edge of the mattress. His elbows rested on his knees, back crowding forwards as he leaned over. The mattress dipped with the sudden weight of him, sending you rocking sideways. Your head felt like a bowling ball, heavy and unsteady on your neck. Propping yourself up on your elbows, you rubbed the back of your neck tenderly. Ren was sat near to your hip, but still close enough that you felt slightly uneasy, especially with the knowledge that you were unarmed next to one of the most dangerous men in the galaxy. 

“You will not do that again, Commander. Is that understood?”

His voice made your heart sink into your chest, plunging into deep depths unknown. He was angry, but his voice also betrayed underlying concern. It was unusually calm, and that was scarier than if he had been shouting at you. You leapt to defend yourself, selfishly biting back at him.

“Do what? Bleed? It was only-”

“-You lied to me. Me.”

His quip silenced you momentarily, before your own voice took on the tender tones of Ren’s.

“I didn’t lie. I was fine when I answered your question. You’re not really one to be demanding truth from anyone at the moment, are you Ren?”

The last sentence was laced with deadly venom, dripping from every syllable. Ren stopped looking forwards towards the window, and leaned his head backwards, Adam’s apple protruding from his neck, eyes half-lidded. You stared intently as the side of his face. He knew. 

“…No, I suppose not.”

A weak admittance, but admittance none the less. It still made you feel a bit better. You softened your tone, rewarding him.

“I’m sorry if I worried you.”

He hummed low in his throat, tapping his thumbs against each other. 

You took the following silence as the end of the conversation and continued with your personal assessment. Stretching your limbs and appendages one at a time, nothing else seemed damaged, only a little stiff from misuse. Surprisingly enough, your shoulders and back felt incredible, as if nothing had happened. You kicked off the blanket childishly, wiggling your toes. Nothing seemed out of place, and you fell back onto your hands, letting your heavy head roll backwards. 

“I feel so confused.”

He perked up at hearing your voice again. 

“What about?”

“I feel like a spare part. Where are the consequences to my actions? I’ve been out for days, being nothing but a burden. Where is my importance for our Master?”

Ashamed, you closed your eyes tight. If you squeezed them hard enough, floaters of many different colours would pass by in the dark. The words you wanted to say lay heavy on your chest. You felt Ren’s weight shift on the mattress, and turned to look as he adjusted himself, bringing his leg onto the bed and sitting sideways to face you. He looked like he had things to say too. 

“You shouldn’t feel like that. You’re fulfilling your purpose well. Supreme Leader will be pleased with our progress. Remember why you’re here, Commander.”

You nodded absently. You’d been repeating the reason for your being here since arriving, yet still felt no more clarity in what you were supposed to be doing.

“I know that.”

Ren leaned forwards.

“What do you need?”

You bit your lip and chewed it, drawing blood into your mouth. You could smell the orange peel from his skin through your muzzle, instead of the lingering odour of dried blood. 

“Responsibility,” You blurted. “Something constructive.” 

Yes, that would keep you occupied. In between the training with Ren, the heavy weight of your own mind had begun to press down in the long hours between. You knew your training with Ren was important, but surely your mental sanity was just as much so. The long nights were filled with nightmares from your past, the presence of your Master weighing heavy on your mind, and the deepest, darkest fears in your heart.

“I used to do so much for him. He’s moved on so much without me.” You murmured. 

Snoke hadn’t just moved on to another apprentice. The past 20 years had seen his followers grow immensely, and him gaining control almost all the regions in this galaxy. You felt so small and useless.

“If that were true, then why would he bring you back?”

Ren’s voice cut through the flurrying sadness eating away at you from the inside. You cocked your head at him. He looked thoughtful, absently casting his eyes across the medical blanket he currently sat on. 

“You’re a bigger part of this than he is letting on. My intuition is telling me there is something he isn’t telling us. Something about you.”

His intuition? You had seen enough of Ren’s force abilities to know his instincts were unrivalled. If he was sensing something…

“You’re sure?”

Ren nodded. 

Sucking your cheeks in, you considered him. It wouldn’t be the first time your Master had played a game without informing everyone of the rules. If Ren was right, then you had to be more careful. Hux’s warning from your first night on the Finalizer crept into your mind, slithering past your ears and sending a shiver across your spine. You of all people knew Snoke was dangerous, but was it enough to make you question him? Tightness constricted your throat.

You sat up straight, shoulders back, gripping your hands tight shut with resolve. 

Never.

“Whatever our Master has planned, it has already been decided.” You spoke with determination, attempting to encourage Ren’s own faith in your Master. “He is not one to make any moves in a game without the assurance that he will win.”

Sorrow filled Ren’s face as he looked up at you, steely determination written across your body language. You flinched at the look, but remained steadfast. No matter what either of them said, nothing would make you ever question your Master. Ren sighed, bringing one hand up to caress the back of his neck. 

“I have a mission in a few days, picking up some stragglers that survived the recent assault on Takodana. They fled to the Anthan system. Mygeeto.” He looked up at you. “Go in my place.”

He surprised you with his generosity - you knew how much he enjoyed the bloodshed. You couldn’t help but give a half-smile under your mask. 

“You’re sure, Commander?”

Ren spoke lazily, almost like he was tired of the conversation. 

“I was with you on Regency 9. I know you can handle it.”

Regency 9 was nothing compared to the mass murder you used to commit. You’d personally only killed a dozen or so, Ren had been the main weapon in the assault. The memory of his blood covered helmet turning to face you at the end of the slaughter sent chills across your back and tingles into your toes. Ren rested his forearm against his knee and turned away from you, looking out of the window from the bed. The distant stardust illuminated him with a soft glow, raised pink scar almost disappearing completely in the strange ambience. You felt a sudden urge to fill the silence. 

“When I was younger, I commanded the assault on Cardota. It was the most terrifying thing I’d ever done.” 

Deep brown eyes flashed across to watch you as you spoke, before turning back away to stare out into space. There was no point in him watching you talk after all, no mouth to watch form words as you spoke, no eyes to read emotion from. It must have been like listening to a hologram. 

“I heard the First Order lost that planet by the sheer number of natives alone.”

“Yes. Not my proudest moment.”

“I’m surprised.”

You turned to him. 

“Why?”

Ren shrugged, a curled strand of hair falling into his face with the movement.

“I know you. Commanding a legion that size? You would have hated every second of it.”

He stopped and looked at you, trying to gauge your reaction. Trembling, your hands gripped the blanket tighter, strangling the fabric in your grip. You couldn’t find it in yourself to deny it. Shame filled you, burning you from the inside like a lit match. He knew you better than he had let on. You could feel the heat in your cheeks, flushing your horrendous face pink. Your arms instinctively folded across your chest, a meagre attempt to protect yourself. It was the most shameful part of your existence, something you’d been conditioned to reject at every moment of your life.

“I don’t like people looking at me, Ren.” you shook with violent tremors, Ren receiving secondary vibrations through the mattress. “They see me, and they fear me.”

Ren’s hand found your shoulder, warm fingers squeezing gently on the muscle. You looked up to see him leaning forwards, concern on his face at your reaction. He was warm, and very close to you. You sucked your lips in, frightened to say more. 

“I understand. You know I do.”

Hesitantly, you nodded, a small motion of your head, and sniffed. The tremors began to ease. 

“I know.”

“That’s why I was so surprised when you took charge of the investigation on Abregado-rae.” He perked up, excitement in his voice at the memory. His fingers seized your shoulder tighter, subconsciously, and you winced at his grip. “Your soul was on fire that morning.”

“…On fire?”

“I could see the dark energy, burning up inside, that and-” He paused, mid-thought. “…and Snoke.”

You gave him a blank stare through your visor which he met. His jaw tensed.

“He threatened you, didn’t he.”

You swallowed.

Ren shook his head in the negative, eyes burning with something unreadable.

“He just reminded me, that’s all.”

“Reminded you of what?”

You hesitated, mouth open. What to say.

“I used to get anxious…especially…in public.” You shrugged, trying to ignore the dread rising slowly in your belly. “Master trained it out of me.”

A memory flashed which you instantly smothered. Ren tried to catch the tail end, but your walls were a thousand feet high, made of the strongest metal and guarded by dragons. He would not break through. 

You shrugged with one shoulder. 

“He must not have weak representation.”

His mouth puckered in that way he did, and one by one his fingers released their grip on your shoulder. As his hand fell, a fleeting since of abandonment hit you. It passed in an instant, but left you feeling lonely. 

“…I see.”

You gasped as he launched himself into a standing position, unintentionally throwing you backwards as the mattress compensated for his absence. Your helmet hit the wall behind you, echoing thud across the room, arms braced either side so you wouldn’t fall. As the last movements died out, you rubbed the back of your helmet, checking for a dent. 

Ren had taken a few steps away from the bed, folding his hands behind his back. You hadn’t realised how cold the room was without him nearby, and your toes curled up, seeking warmth. You drew your knees up to your chest and held them, the ever persistent comfort in the foetal position calming you. 

“Thank you, Commander.”

Ren’s baritone carried the few feet between you softly, stirring an ache in your chest. What a confusing man. You replied in turn.

“What for?”

He turned and looked at you over his shoulder, opposite side this time. It was hard to make out where his face ended and the scar began, melding in with the wrinkles that led to his hairline. 

“Being honest with me.”

Oh. 

“I’ll see you when you return. Captain Phasma will brief you tomorrow.”

Phasma. You’d heard the name, but were yet to meet them. Hopefully they lived up to your expectations. Courtesy kicked in as you watched Ren leave, and your voice followed him up the stairs. 

“Yes, Commander.”

__________________________________________________________________

You left Ren’s quarters after another hour. It felt strangely wrong to be in there without him, like you were invading his privacy. It had been different on Abregado-rae, waiting out in his billet. But this was his actual home, if you could call it that. You hadn’t bothered to pry, certain you wouldn’t find anything worthwhile in his chambers that you could use in the future. No, you’d simply sought out your boots and belt, strapped yourself in and made your way out of his quarters. You’d been right about the corridor above, turns out his bed chamber was one of many rooms in the quarters. Ridiculous, even for him, to have so much space. 

You sat above the bridge on the walkway, one leg crossed comfortably over the other, reclining out on your back. Absently, you pulled at a loose thread on your cloak, remnants of your botched stitching job. It was fairly quiet and terribly boring, as always. 

The prospect of taking command of Ren’s mission to Mygeeto brought you steady happiness and security. You’d considered requesting communications with your Master to inform him, but thought it petty. Besides, he would only belittle you for taking on such a small responsibility. Compared to your previous duties, a small mission such as this one was laughable. You scratched an itch on your cheek underneath your helmet. No point bothering your Master with such trivial details. He had an empire to run after all. 

It wasn’t like before, when it was just you, him and the praetorian guards. You would spend weeks with him in isolation, training and working, helping him plan the beginnings of his new empire. Even Ren had informed you that Snoke used to be completely alone whenever he would visit him. Before he became Kylo Ren. 

The little detailing in that bothered you, and you tugged too hard on the thread in your fingers, snapping it clean off. Before he’d become the apprentice, replacing you as your Masters heir apparent. He was someone else entirely. Not trained as a Sith, you knew that much. But you’d not heard of dark side adepts being conscripted in by the Supreme Leader before. It was an enigma you had spend many nights considering. 

The security doors opened, and the familiar footfalls of General Hux reached your ears. Sitting yourself upright, you twisted around to look through the gaps as he paced down the walkway with a few officers either side. He spoke in a commanding, low voice to each of them in turn, parting ways one at a time until he was the only one left. Clasped hands behind his back, he stood overlooking the Finalizer, broad beams of white light highlighting his cheekbones. 

A sinister energy approached from outside and you turned, alert and wary, as Kylo Ren marched through the doors. He was helmeted and strode forwards with heavy intent. Nobody could sense it through anything other than his body language, but you could. The prickling energy electrified the air, so you moved into a low crouch, ready to react. 

He was ready to kill. 

Bloodlust dripped from him, engorging the air, making it heavy and palatable to your tongue. You wet your lip, instinctively drawn to it – to him. Darkness lapped at his heels, cascading from him, tinted in that beautiful rich colour, reminiscent of flames. His shoulders crowded forwards as he walked, hunched over in frustration. He headed straight for Hux, lashing out with one hand splayed and lifting the surprised General from the ground. 

His gasps hit your ears, pricked to attention as you craned forwards over the edge to watch and listen. Ren stopped a few paces from him, black-clad and steaming with ferocity. You’d never seen him so livid before. It was enthralling to watch. His fingers curled, twisting the man in mid air as he clung to the invisible hand around his throat. The colour began to drain from Hux’s face, turning him a slightly grey tint. 

“Are you completely insane, or does Snoke not have a tight enough grip on your leash?”

Hux could only gasp and gurgle in reply, beginning shades of purple blushing his ears. 

Shit. 

Ren couldn’t kill him. He wouldn’t. 

Would he?

You took another look at the darkness ebbing from him in vulgar waves, nauseating in their energy. 

Yes. Right now, he could. 

“Do you need another lesson in loyalty, General?”

Oh. Ren had picked up on Hux’s ambition too? He was power-hungry and insatiable, but not a threat to Supreme Leader Snoke. Hux gurgled again, aimlessly clawing it his neck. You began to move, and stopped. You shouldn’t interfere with politics, it wasn’t your domain. You settled back down into your crouch. No, this you would have to leave to them to sort out between themselves. They have their own agendas, not your business, you mused. Snoke would tell you to stay out of it. 

A few long seconds passed, before Ren released his hold on the General. He dropped to the ground like a bag of rocks, crashing to the tiles with a groan. The colour rushed into his cheeks, staining them bright red. You were sure it was half from embarrassment at being abused by Ren in front of his staff. You checked around, and to your surprise, most of them were looking away in earnest. You huffed in appreciation. Seems the staff were in favour of Hux, not wanting to watch him humiliated. That was good, sign of strong leadership. Even though he was being punished by your peer, you couldn’t help but admire the General a bit more. He rubbed his neck and sat upright, black coat splayed across the floor in front of Ren. 

Black leather curled into fists’ at his side as Ren’s hand lowered. The energy began to evaporate into the air, and you drew on the environment around you, lapping up the last wisps before they too disappeared. Your chest engorged, fingertips tingling with power as you absorbed the dark energy. 

“Leave. Before I do something you’ll regret.”

Hux didn’t need asking twice. Dragging himself to his feet before Ren, you admired the gall he possessed as he stopped and shot Ren a look of pure hatred before brushing past him and out into the foyer. You watched him leave with interest. You liked him, and didn’t enjoy seeing him suffer without cause. You hoped Ren would divulge what he had seen in Hux’s mind before you left. 

“And you, Commander.”

Shock snapped you upright, standing above the masked man in black. Your eyes met those in the visor beneath you, watching him looking up at you. How long had he known, you mused silently. Taking a backwards pace before turning, you slid down the engineering ladder and out of the door without a backwards glance. 

Even though you were of equal standing with Ren, when he was in that kind of bloodthirsty mood, even you wouldn’t dare argue with him.


	15. Surge

You didn’t like Phasma very much. 

You had decided that after the first few minutes in her presence. She had not taken kindly to Ren’s sudden replacement, neither to the fact that she hadn’t been informed prior to your switching. She looked you up and down, though mainly down. She was certainly a heavily impressive individual. You made a mental note to ask Hux for more information about her, she clearly was no ordinary Captain. You stood, arms fixed firmly across your chest, in front of both her and the rank of troopers at her rear. 

“I wasn’t informed of this. Who are you exactly?”

Her impertinence took you back. Even though she wasn’t aware of your presence, your rank as commander should have been enough to at least warrant respect. Her accusatory tone reminded you of Hux, but was too heavy on the side of disrespect for you to overlook. Your ears began to burn, more from anger than embarrassment. 

“Your Commander on this mission, Captain.” You looked her up and down, hard to do when you stood at chest height. You added a touch of haughtiness to your voice before adding, “…and superior officer.”

She hesitated briefly before answering. 

“…Yes, Commander. My troops are ready to depart.”

You nodded towards the ranks of troopers. 

“By your lead, Captain.”

She turned her enormous back to you, holding her blaster tight to her chest, and marched away towards the rows of white armoured soldiers. You took a deep breath, steadying your gaze across the rows of men. You wondered how many of them had been part of your squadron on Takodana, or formed the assault team on Abregado-rae. 

Overlooking as Phasma shouted her commands, you watched the loading of troops from the side of the parade. As the final troopers loaded up, you followed Phasma at the back onto the largest shuttle. She stepped to the side and allowed you to pass through to the front of the ship. As you had seen Ren do many times before, you stood back, folded your arms, and watched the pilots. Piloting was fascinating to you, how they managed to memorise so many identical buttons and procedures was simply amazing. You watched in awe as the ship lifted from the dock and rose steadily out of the hangar, passing through the gravity field and out into open space. 

Pressing the launch button on the holoprojector, you ground your teeth when you saw the entire planet description was written, rather than visually projected as a physical shape like they normally were. Your chest lurched, and you slowly turned to Phasma, asking as casually as you could. 

“Captain, what do you know of Mygeeto?”

The chrome trooper turned to you, confusion sliding through the gaps in her mental armour. 

“It’s not a well provisioned planet anymore, and the area we are infiltrating is nothing but empty fields and wasteland. In honesty, Commander, there’s really no reason we should need supervision on this mission. It’s more of a clean-up.”

Her obvious disliking of your overseeing her mission was apparent. You chuckled to yourself as you wondered if she’d be making the same comments should her overseer be Commander Ren, as planned. Her tone turned brutal and confident. 

“The resistance scum don’t stand a chance.”

You nodded your chin upwards at her comment, agreeing in the most appropriate way before resuming your gaze across the stars. 

The resistance. You’d come into contact with them only once before, on Takodana. They hadn’t been trouble then, and you doubted they would be now. The stars began to fly past as incredible bright beams as you jumped to light speed, blurred flashes streaming past the visor in front of you. You gripped at your bicep through the fabric of your shirt. You didn’t care who they were, but they threatened your Master’s plans. Whilst they rejected his claim on the galaxy, there could not be peace. Did they not understand that submitting was the easiest way to win? 

“Forgive me, Commander, for speaking out of turn, but I don’t recall ever meeting with you before today. Who are you again?”

Phasma’s voice clipped through your thoughts. You inclined your helmet towards her and monotonously recited your practised introduction. 

“I am your Commanding Officer for this mission, Captain, and you will simply address me as ‘Commander’.” Memories of Snoke’s threat from Abregado-rae speared into your mind, sending a jutting pain into your chest. “When I speak, it is with the voice of the Supreme Leader. You will treat my orders with the same authority you would his.”

Phasma bowed her head, resigned. 

“Of course, Commander.”

She turned back around to face her troops. Relieved at having set her straight, you returned to looking out of the window. Focus, you mused to yourself. You are going into battle. You can’t rely on Ren this time, or Snoke. You thought about what would happen when the ship landed and bile rose in you throat. Just focus. Remember what you had learned during your training with Ren. 

During practise, he had been attempting to teach you how to channel the emotions you were repressing deep down. Using provocative words, you’d snapped at him more than once, sending dark energy gushing from your hands and into the room. It had left you drained, exhausted at using up so much effort at once. Of course, your own training was a mere coincidental side effect of Ren’s. Whilst he had been teaching you, he had also been controlling his own actions, unable to act rashly around you, having to think, plan ahead and react to you. In essence, you were doing exactly what Snoke had wanted; training each other.

The ship dropped out of hyperspace and Mygeeto came into view. The dry, grey colour of the surface seemed to sap the aura from everywhere around it. No wonder the rebels had tried to hide from the Order on it; just looking at it made you want to turn away in disinterest. The ship drew closer, even more disinteresting colours appearing in view, settling on a barren wasteland, just as described by Phasma. Distant explosions reached your ears, and your sharp eyes pinpointed smoke rising from the other side of a dry, dead forest. Phasma turned to you, hand to her ear as she listened to her comm.

“Commander, troopers from the local base are already fighting rebels on the far side of the forest, near a small rise in the earth. I have already sent my troops ahead to increase numbers. What will you do?”

So, they had started the fighting early. Something must have triggered the assault enough for troopers to break orders, perhaps an unexpected provocation by the resistance? You stared into the smoke, watching it curl up into the sky. The pilots turned to face you, unsure. They were the same pilots who had taken you to Abregado-rae, grey stubble lining the face of the oldest man. You closed your eyes, drawing on the force energy around you and removed your lightsaber from it’s hilt. 

You spun on one foot, facing Phasma, and nodded to her.

“Come, Captain. Let’s teach the resistance what happens to traitors.”

If Phasma had a reaction to your words, nothing showed. The blank stare of the visor gave nothing away to the outside. Following orders without question, loyalty, and a fierce command of her troops. You may not have liked her very much, but you damn well respected her. 

________________________________________________________________________________

You yelled out in anger as your lightsaber found it’s mark, slicing the fighter neatly in two. The smell of burning flesh overwhelmed your nostrils and you turned your face away in disgust, as if the movement would relieve you from the stench in your mouth. No matter how many creatures you killed with your lightsaber, you always hated the stench it produced as it seared through flesh.

The stormtroopers were outgunning the scattering fighters. They seemed to have been caught by surprise, and though you could sense they were high in numbers, you couldn’t actually see that many of them. They were proving no match for the white soldiers that descended upon them, over ridges and crystalline wasteland they fled, the red laser bolts catching at their heels. You stood somewhere in the middle of the field, picking off any resistance members who had evaded the first wave of troopers. Standing tall, braced in tension from the fighting, your cape whipped around your knees as you gazed around for your next target. It seemed almost too easy, but then again you weren’t expecting much of a fight. These scum were only leftovers from a recent raid after all. 

The mental map in your head told you the fighters were trying to seek some kind of refuge in the foothills of the earth rise a few clicks away, possibly a base. They were stuck between you and the rocks. The looming structure towered over the landscape, providing the only kind of shelter nearby. It would be at least twenty minutes or so before you could get to them. It was possible they had their aircraft hidden away in the jagged rocks at the bottom, but you couldn’t let them get away when they were cornered like this. Wheeling around, you sought out the chrome trooper a few feet away.

“We need that mountain scoped. Where is the air support?”

Phasma lowered her blaster and yelled right back at you. 

“They should be here, Commander.”

You bristled and turned, jogging the opposite direction towards the fleeing fighters.

A dirty white helmet popped up from behind a nearby boulder, and the fighter aimed her blaster directly at the squad of troopers a few yards ahead. One by one they began to fall, victim to the absurdly keen eye of the rebel. You removed your own blaster from your belt, raised a steady hand and fired, a blue beam causing the boulder beside her to shatter. She screamed as she was crushed under rubble, and you slowed down, allowing yourself a better shot when you made the kill. She looked up at you, sweaty and dirt covered face pleading under a rough fringe of messy blonde hair. You made sure to look into her eyes when you fired directly between them. Her head exploded in a mess of purple and crimson, just missing you at the safe distance you stood. 

Holstering your weapon, you returned to the steady jogging pace you felt comfortable with. The troopers ahead of you were doing an incredible job cleaning the way, hardly any stragglers for you to pick off. Glancing behind you, Phasma was taking up the rear guard, happy to stay with her patrol at the back. Did she deem it safer, you wondered, or perhaps deep down she was a coward. Either way, you strived ahead, content to leave her far behind you. 

The earth rise loomed closer, and your head became mercilessly clear from the running. There was nothing to think about, or worry about. Just the impact of your boots hitting the floor and the steady rhythm of heavy breathing. As much as you were loathed to admit it, you were really looking forward to killing the last of the resistance and completing the mission. It would be good to return to the Finalizer successful. 

The sound of engines starting in the distance made a base vibration run through the earth and into your chest, and you slowed down, coming to a stop. You spoke very softly and issued a quiet order into your comm link. 

The troopers in front of you had vanished. You stepped into the shadow of the mountains. The drop in temperature made your skin prickle, and you felt your nipples pucker under your armour, a cold breath down your neck. A few minutes ago there had been the sound of blasters and yelling. Now, it was eerily silent. The only sound you could make out were the soft footfalls of Phasma’s squad behind you. 

It was the midst of battle, yet in the soft quiet, it reminded you of your time with Ren in the forest. The waterfall where you and he had trained together. The place surrounding you sang with mysterious energy, almost ethereal. Now it was quiet, you could actually hear the singing from beneath the earth. You curiously cocked your head to listen. It would be easy to forget everything and drop to the ground, to better hear the sounds coming from below. 

As you focused away from the singing earth, the sound of TIE fighters screaming closer made your chest swell with pride. You loved watching them. They wailed and screeched as they hurried past, closing the distance over your head to the mountain in seconds. The laser canons fired, rock smashed and crumbled, and the fighters disappeared over the cloud of dust that rose from the collapsed mountain. 

The earth trembled and groaned and you felt it. 

The earth beneath your feet was alive.

A calm kind of shock took over, and you knelt down, removing your glove and scooping up a handful of dry dirt in your palm. As it sifted through your fingers, you looked up to see the TIE’s returning overhead with a wail. You stood, watching them fly over as Captain Phasma caught up with you, brushing off your hand and returning your fingers to the glove. 

“Commander,” She greeted formally. 

You didn’t acknowledge her. Your hairs were standing on end. Every bone in your body was screaming something ineligible at you. Something was wrong. The resistance fighters were gone, but so were the hundred troopers which had been running ahead of you. The mountain had collapsed, yet you could hardly sense any death in the atmosphere around you. Your shoulders tensed, instinct telling you to get ready for a fight. 

“Something is wrong. Can you make contact with the first platoon?”

Phasma spoke into her comm link. “I’ll try, Commander.” 

As she started to call for the platoon leader, the earth began groaning again. Angelic voices gone, they were replaced by a low creaking noise. Your lightsaber was already in your hand, but you activated it, airing on the side of caution. Keep calm, you told yourself. 

No. 

Don’t keep calm, Commander. 

Let your emotions fuel your fighting, allow yourself to act on instinct.

For potentially the first time in your life on the battlefield, it was not Snoke’s voice that came to you out of fear. 

It was Ren’s. 

As the earth trembled beneath your feet, you stopped trying to think your way around the problem and listened to what the force around you was saying. You could head the engines from TIE fighters and…something else. Blood and dust was in the air, taste of earth salty and heavy on your tongue. Your eyes flickered across the horizon, scanning from one corner to the next. You reached out with the invisible hands that surrounded you, connecting you to the force. Connecting with the ancient planet, the force and voices around you rang out loud and clear. 

MOVE.

MOVE.

MOVE.

“Commander, I-”

You dived sideways into Phasma, knocking her legs from beneath her as the line of blaster bolts flew through the air, narrowly missing you both. The dozen stormtroopers around you fell, holes the size of your hand clean through their abdomens. You lay over Phasma’s legs, face already swelling from the impact against your own helmet on her strong thighs. The shaking in the earth reached a crescendo and you turned to look over your shoulder, away from the mountain, where you had come from. 

Oh, the resistance was clever. Far too clever for you. 

As you and Phasma had backed up the platoon, they had lured you into thinking the mountain was the base. You’d been focused so intently on that, you hadn’t realised that you could sense so many fighters but only see a few dozen. The rest of the resistance stragglers had started up the x-wings in the opposite direction, and now had you cornered between the crumbled death trap of the collapsed mountain, and the fleet of fighter craft primed in attack position behind you. 

Your mind raced with strategy, already planning the next move. Lurching to your feet, Phasma gave you a push by the shoulder and steadied you back upright. You couldn’t see how many there were, but by the sound there were at least ten or so fighter craft coming straight for you. The leader had fired the shots from far away, yet such a clear shot for that distance! First things to take priority. You fell forwards.

“Run.”

Phasma was already moving before you had finished speaking. Your legs burned but you managed to keep pace with the giant woman in full armour. Her strides were impossibly long, but you’d been having to keep up with Ren for weeks now. You both sprinted for the rubble ahead, looming sound of engines getting closer with each footfall. You heaved in breath between words as you shouted to Phasma over the sound of rolling engines and blaster bolts hitting the earth around you. 

“Run towards the mountain so they don’t have a clear shot. The TIE’s will circle back from behind them, hopefully a few should drop off the back to engage. We need to keep out of range until the rest of the fighters arrive.”

Phasma panted her reply.

“What fighters? We didn’t bring any more with us, Commander.”

You tapped the comm link on your arm.

“I requested support as soon as I felt the earth shifting. They started the engines four minutes before they fired, so I’d say we have about three minutes until the rest of the TIE’s arrive.”

You began to feel lightheaded from running and shouting, but Phasma grunted and continued to power forwards. It had taken you around 13 minutes to get to your current position at a steady jog. How long could an x-wing cover that distance? You daren’t look behind you. A blaster bolt sounded, a higher pitch than the ones currently taking out the earth around you. Just as you’d predicted, the returning TIE’s began to hit the x-wings from behind. You could hear the difference in the engines and blasters as they hit. Something exploded nearby, every blaster bolt that missed you hitting the earth and going off like a grenade in a shower of brown dust and dirt. Glancing behind you, the squad leader primed for another shot. His followers had all fallen back, engaging the TIEs that screamed overhead.

He was close now. Too close and gaining. You weren’t going to make it. You grit your teeth and squeezed your eyes. Only a hundred yards from the rubble. The x-wing would cover than in less than three seconds. Ren’s face flashed behind your eyes. What would he do? 

No, Commander. 

What would you do? 

In that moment, your path was clear. 

“Don’t turn around!”

You let out a yell as Phasma dived towards the nearest boulder heap. The sound was so loud now, the x-wing speeding towards you so fast you couldn’t think. That was the idea. Ren had been teaching you to act on instinct, let go of your control. What better situation to be in for practise? 

Let go of your control, Commander.

You rolled into a forward somersault, coming up facing the speeding space craft on one knee. It was closer than you’d thought, only feet from the dirt, blasters already firing at where you knelt. You couldn’t think, there was no time to think. What does my body want to do? 

You had to act. 

Act now. 

Act now. 

ACT NOW. 

…

JUMP.

Your hand lashed out and redirected the blaster bolts to either side of the craft, blowing a screen of dirt into the air. It covered the pilot’s screen just long enough for you to launch yourself upwards in a high jump, propelled upwards with the force. You landed on top of the craft, a bug on the windshield. The pilots stunned face met your own as he slowed down, aware he was far too close to the wrecked pile of rubble. He realised his mistake, too intent on the hunt, and turned sharply, almost throwing you off, but your saber was lodged tight to the metal work, providing you a firm hand hold. Rage gripped your vision at the man who almost killed you, and your free hand balled into a fist, snarling and smashing through the reinforced visor of glass. The man squealed like a pig as you gripped your fingers around his windpipe. The straps on his helmet dug into your wrists, cutting clean through the flesh in your forearm and the air around you raced past even as the craft began to skid to a halt. The droid in the back ejected itself with a scream. You barely noticed.

Something popped, or maybe it crunched, but suddenly the man’s head lolled forwards, devoid of life, blood and saliva dripping from his mouth and dribbling down his chin. Snapping your head sideways, you judged the trajectory and launched yourself away from the craft, hand gripping tight to your saber. As you hit the floor you tucked, rolling three, four times before coming to a stop. Your knees burned, the smell of fuel nauseating as you watched the x-wing continue towards the rocks. Even at the slower pace, it hit with the assault of a battering ram, smashing nose first into the boulders with a deafening explosion. 

No time to stop.

Launching upright, you almost immediately tripped over your own feet as you scrambled towards the distant dog fight. Squinting against the bright sky, you made a quick headcount. Definitely more TIEs, but some of the x-wings were currently racing off into the outer atmosphere in a bid to escape. Nothing more you could do as an individual on the ground but head back to the shuttles. Panting, you began the steady jog back across the wasteland. 

Blank. 

Your mind was blank. 

You’d reacted so fast in the midst of a life or death situation that the shock of the event still hadn’t taken hold. You’d been in close calls before, but that had been too close for comfort. Rage gripped you, tugging your insides to and fro. Even during the screaming explosions around you, the earth kept on singing. It was louder now, calling to you in angelic harmonies. They rose high in falsetto, dropping into a baritone that rivalled Ren. Minor notes sent Gooseflesh crawling over your shoulders, as something otherworldly overcame you. 

You’d always felt close to your inner self in places of power. This ancient planet called to you, stirring something deep within. It was primal, instinctive, taking over your senses. The longer you stayed, the less you felt bound to human law. Uncurling your fingers, force energy danced and weaved through your digits. It was neither dark, no light. It was pure, untouched. You moved your fingers daintily, as if playing the piano in time with the ethereal voices from beneath the crust. 

Heartbeat, fast. Pulse, drumming. Head, throbbing. Voices, singing. 

The vortex of pure energy swirled above you as you paced forwards, passing new wrecks of x-wings and groaning half-dead fighters hanging from the cockpits like strung up meat. Death filled the air, heavy and thick on your tongue. You wet your lips. Being both angry and calm at the same time was a euphoric and powerful feeling. 

Louder the voices sang, rising in pitch as you neared the ship. You drew on the power surrounding you, stealing life force from everything partially dead in the barren landscape. A grim reaper, the swirling energy from your own rage consumed and burned up the very oxygen you breathed. The stormtroopers came into view, ones who had survived the assault by the fighters. A few blaster bolts fired, and you turned your head to watch a few resistance members scatter into the forest a few clicks away. They were well out of range of the troopers. 

You glanced down from the corner of your eye at your fingers, weaving with intricate dark energy; the power throbbing inside you like a second heartbeat. Reaching out with this new power, the ground began to quake beneath your feet as you braced yourself. Grunting with strain, you allowed the energy you’d been collecting to lash forwards in a visible display of dark tendrils, seeking out the life force you could sense in the distant forest. Shrieks reached your ears and you smiled demonically, wrapping your tendrils around the life energy and pulling it back into your body. 

The handful of fighters that had escaped were dragged backwards through the trees, lashing out with clawed hands at the almost invisible grip around their bodies. Using your hands to guide the energy, you drew them closer, watching them get clearer and bigger. Dropping them neatly at the feet of your guard, it took the troopers only a second to take aim and shoot the pile of shocked bodies. 

You rocked your head backwards and laughed, just the once. 

Was this what Ren felt like when he fought?! Or was this something else entirely? 

You stood back upright and peered down at your boots, ground around them cracked from the immense pressure that surrounded you. The dark tendrils lapped around you like a sheer cloak, obeying your will but also with a form of it’s own. It was beautiful. You tenderly stroked it and could swear the singing below the earth became dull and muted the second your hand touched it. 

A single act of instinctive reaction, fight or flight, had triggered this response. It was more incredible than you’d ever dreamed of. What a perfect tool for your Master to use! Strategy, planning, control; they had been both the best and worst thing to find your potential. 

Finally letting go of the restraints of moral code, you felt free. 

And with that fleeting thought, the darkness vanished with a wispy breath of air. 

The manacles of reality clamped down once again as air returned to your lungs. A TIE screeched overhead, waking you up from your momentary dream state. The voices had gone. You missed them. Squeezing your fists together, it was disheartening to see not entrails of energy laced between your fingers. You missed the power you just had already, even though you didn’t even know what it was.

You suddenly became aware of the guard of troopers standing by the shuttle, awaiting your departure. They reeked of fear. Jogging the gap to them, you marched onto the ship without a second glance.

“Send the remaining troopers to find Phasma. We’re leaving.”

________________________________________________________________________________

“…Singing?”

You nodded.

Snoke raised a claw to his chin and sat back in thought. You stood before his glowing blue form in the holoprojection, fresh from the battle. Now the adrenaline had worn off, the pain had set in from the assault. You could feel a fresh scab breaking every time you turned your wrist, injury apparent from jumping headfirst onto a fast moving x-wing. Your eye was already swelling shut from where you’d tackled Phasma, and you’d rolled your ankle badly whilst jogging. They’d found her already, she was heading back to the Finalizer with the others. 

You stood before your Master’s image, towering and dark in the dim cavernous room on the Finalizer, eager to share information with him. 

“Yes, Master. As if it was coming from the earth itself.”

He nodded knowingly. 

“Do you know what that planet holds deep within the core?”

Your brow furrowed, and you shook your head.

“Kyber crystals. Similar to that which Ren holds in his lightsaber.”

“Yes, Master.”

“They are rich in potent, pure force energy. The fact you could hear them…well, it just shows how connected to the force you are.”

He sounded both pleased and cautious. Like he was carefully picking at his words. You nodded once more, pleased with any kind of answer. He clapped his hands a single time, startling you. 

“I’m pleased to hear you’re making progress, Child.” His voice dropped. “What of Ren’s training?”

“Ren is training with me every spare moment, and as he instructs me during combat, he himself is having to control his actions, use a more…military mind.” Your voice quietened when you added, “I am finding it harder to beat him every day.”

The chuckle started soft on Snoke’s lips, and at first you strained to hear it. It steadily developed into a loud cackle, and his gruesome face was torn multiple ways by taught skin as he laughed. It pleased you to think you’d made him happy, but you couldn’t help but be enveloped by fear. It subsided, and he learned forwards in his chair, haunting image growing larger. 

“Excellent. And what of your own?” His brow furrowed as he looked you up and down. “When was the last time you used force expulsion?”

You took a moment to consider the answer. 

“A few weeks ago, Master.”

He hummed.

“I suggest you consider doing it again. Especially after such an occurrence this morning.”

You bowed your head. 

“Consider it done, Master.”

________________________________________________________________________________

After a long shower and a walk around the Finalizer, you felt in a position to begin cooling off. The training rooms on board were tiny compared to the ones back on the Supremacy, but almost identical in every aspect. You sat in the centre of the room, expelling force energy from your core. It radiated from you in waves as you fought to regulate your breathing. 

In, two three. 

Out, two three. 

The energy from the room pulsed with a forbidden heartbeat as it ebbed along the walls, making the tiniest sound possible. You already felt calmer, the last remnants from your power boost from the mornings attack already being flushed from your system. You took steady breaths, focusing on the feel of fabric beneath your fingertips, the racing of blood in your veins, and the temperature of the air on your exposed wrists. You’d had to give yourself some fresh bandages, but the laceration that ran from your wrist to your elbow joint wasn’t that deep. You looked forward to attacking the healing skin. 

In, two, three.

Out, two three. 

You needed to find Ren as soon as you were finished. It was only thanks to him that you had been on the mission and deemed it successful. You were sure he would be pleased to know of your success. Twinkling beads of light began to spot in your vision, and your gut did a somersault at the thought. 

That was odd, you mused. 

Brow furrowing as you concentrated, a bead of sweat trained down your spine. You must have been knocked in the stomach at some point, though you struggled to remember when. The low energy lights buzzed far above you as the blaster door opened with a heavy expulsion of air. You inhaled sharply though your nose and was met with his familiar scent. His presence engulfed the room like a sudden rise in temperature, dampening the air pressure and laying on your skin with intent. 

“Commander Ren.”

Keeping your eyes shut and composure rigid, you acknowledged his presence with a standard greeting, and was surprised when you heard nothing in return. Swivelling your head on it’s axis, you turned to face him. Tall, dark in both mood and wardrobe, he leaned against the wall nearest the doors. You assumed he was looking at you, though the helmet one again obscured your view of his face. You curled your lip, and resumed your expulsion, retreating back into the breathing mantra. You’d talk to him when he decided to talk back. 

In, two, three. 

Out, tw-

“What did Snoke have to say?”

You grumbled at his interruption. 

“Master is pleased with our progress, and more than content for us to continue training.”

Keeping your eyes closed, you dropped your shoulders down again. I’m fine by the way, you thought to yourself sarcastically. 

In, two, thr-

“Did many resistance get away?”

You sighed audibly before abandoning your breathing exercise. Turning to face him as he stalked closer, he removed his helmet and let it swing by his side as he walked. The room was smaller than you were used to, and it only took him a few long strides to reach you. You raised a questioning glance his way, not that he could see it. 

“What do you take me for.”

You lashed your words at him with all the force of a whip, curbing his approach. He loomed over your cross-legged figure with all the ominous presence of a crow pecking the eyes from it’s victim. Something twisted in your gut again, thought not in the same way as before. Something was wrong, you realised. There was no light reaching his eyes as he towered before you, shadows encasing his rugged features. His fists squeezed tightly by his sides as he dropped into a crouch. 

“Did many…resistance…get away?”

The question was gone, replaced by a command. How dare he address you in such a manner. You turned your nose away from him, refusing to meet his gaze. 

“No, Commander.”

He sighed, closing his eyes. You peered at him and watched a light breath escape over his lips. The shade of pale beige around his jaw was darker than yesterday, evidence of a skipped shave, though not quite at the length where there was an emergence of hair. Your eyes narrowed. Even when on mission he was so well kept. He straightened himself and turned to leave, walking towards the door with the same menacing intent he’d had when approaching you. 

“Good.”

Launching to your feet, you abandoned your restraint and reached out with what little force energy you had left. It was weak, pitiful really, but it gently tugged on his arm. 

“Wait…”

He stopped, whether it was because of your force manifestation or your words, you didn’t know. But though his cold reaction to you had been nothing short of what you were used to, for a reason you couldn’t explain, it was making your chest hurt. You would expect that sort of neglect from everyone else, but not from him. You set your voice in stone.

“What’s wrong?”

For a moment, he didn’t move. Then his lower lip jutted out, if only for an instant, fingers gripping and curling tightly on his mask. You held his gaze, unwavering, with your own, until his head tilted back and was exposed to the light. You muffled a reaction as you caught sight of his face. 

The bags under his eyes were puffed up, creating shadows of their own that ran a rim across his prominent cheekbones. The contours of his face, usually so subtle, were exposed and deep. He looked like he had been awake for weeks. You swallowed the lump in your throat before taking the first step closer to him. Had it only been a day since you’d seen him last? He hadn’t looked that bad before, had he? Your right foot followed your left, and suddenly you were by his side, looking up at him. He pouted, nostrils wrinkling as he held your eye contact as best he could. 

You waited as he gathered the strength to talk. You knew he needed some time, that he wasn’t used to answering to anyone. Whatever person had wronged him, you would handle it. If it was a situation, you would take his arm and pull him through. Anything he needed, you were ready for. 

“…I’m failing.”

Your heart sank in your chest. Anything, but that. He looked away from you ashamed, voice reaching a soft peak. 

“I thought if I killed him…If I took that step into darkness then the rest would just fall into place, but now-”.

So, he was still hung up on his father’s death. Your frowned. You’d never realised what an impact it had on him. It was another step into the darkness, that much was true. How could a single death cause one man such intense suffering? 

“I still feel it. The pull to the light. It calls to me, beckoning like a call to arms.”

His voice broke at the last sentence, and his eyes pulled away from you in shame. He looked like he was about to collapse. Steeling the shock from your system, you tried to think with a level head. You couldn’t let him fail, your Master would never allow either of you to live. Trembling began along your fingers as Ren clenched and unclenches his free fist, too engrossed in his own head to notice your own fear showing through. His breathing was energetic, and you grew more concerned that he would implode from internal conflict. He couldn’t see your worry, he needed reassurance. You said the only thing you could think of to distract him. 

“I understand, Ren.”

He looked at you like he’d never seen you before, no reflection in his eyes as he peered at the dark figure below him. Whispering in a voice so soft you could barely hear, he brought his face lower down to you. 

“…You do?”

You flinched as his hand reached out and gripped your shoulder, squeezing just on the more uncomfortable side of firm. You wouldn’t lie to him, but maybe distracting him from his own turmoil would ease his burden. Despite yourself, you liked him, and words of encouragement mumbled their way to the surface with little warning.

“I understand that you feel conflicted. A lot of our journey takes us down the path easily questioned.” 

“Do you ever consider leaving? Just running away and never looking back?” 

His breathing slowed down, grip on your arm loosening. You smiled as you felt his turmoil subsiding. It was working, keep going.

“I left once before, Ren..”

His eyes narrowed as he looked for signs of a lie. Finding none, you watched his pupils dilate as he refocused on your visor. You smiled, hoping he could feel the emotion through your mutual connection.

“You’re doing the right thing, Ren. Just remember that. Long term, our work will end suffering throughout the galaxy.”

You reached out and wrapped your arm around his elbow so you were locked together. He couldn’t move his arm away if he tried. You reached out with the force, a little more confidently this time, gauging him. His facial features had softened, breathing slowed down, but you could get no mental reading on him. You figured that was a good thing. 

“I know it’s difficult, but in the end, we will be praised for our efforts in this war. Trust me.”

You felt bad for leading him on a twisting pep talk, but it seemed to work. You wondered if General Hux would ask you for advice next time he wanted to write a speech. Ren re-gripped your arm, twisting and bending it suddenly, forcing you to drop your hold. You fell to one knee, tired and caught off guard. He smirked down at you. 

“Strangely enough, Apprentice - I do.”

He looked like he was about to say something else, but then turned and walked away. You sighed and brushed your hands off on your thighs, clambering to your feet. As he reached the doorway he faltered and raised his hands, hovering his helmet over his head. He hesitated before glancing at you again. 

“Thank you.”

He pressed his helmet over his skull and disappeared out of the door. You smiled to yourself, chest doing that strange flipping sensation you got sometimes when he pushed you over. The smell of orange peel lingered in the air, along with a new feeling spreading in your chest. Your smile quickly dropped when you realised the extent of Ren’s dilemma. 

You grit your teeth – you had to tell Snoke. There was no question about it. But now, you had reason to doubt your Master.

You chewed the inside of your cheek. A few weeks ago, you wouldn’t have thought twice about it. But now, the thought of Ren looking at you with those dark eyes, smeared with betrayal and hatred. You blanched. It made you feel sick with revelation and the pain in your chest grew tighter. 

For the first time in your life, there was another person who you yearned to please.

Fuck. 

Telling Snoke would likely result in Ren’s punishment, and though you were likely to step us as his successor, the haunting image of Ren’s death lingered in your mind. Could you really live with yourself if you betrayed either of them? 

Collapsing back down to the floor, you fought the anguish raging through your core and placed your hands flat on your thighs. Swallowing everything building up inside, you counted. 

In, two, three.

Out, two, three.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *shows up a week late to update with coffee*
> 
> ...So I had real difficulty getting this chapter out - I rewrote it so many times! I’m still not 100% happy with it, but I really need to just accept my own writing and move on.
> 
> Thank you to everyone who leaves kudos and comments, and even those of you that just read. I appreciate every one of you, and I do read and reply to most of my comments so thank you for keeping me going! The next few chapters are hopefully going to set the scene for what’s to come, so fingers crossed things may get a little *spicy* soon. 
> 
> For those of you that can’t wait any longer (you fiends), my Wattpad has a short story collection called ”Dinner for One” which is basically KyloXReader PWP. 
> 
> Some of you may not know, but I also make art - my Redbubble is basically all Adam Driver (I have no shame). I also take art and writing commissions so please drop me a message if you’re interested. You can find me on all respectable social media using the same username @makemedinosore
> 
> Once again, thank you all for reading this far, please keep with me because we are only just getting started... *insert evil chuckle here*


	16. Conditions

The screaming was still loud in your ears when you woke. As your brain was thrust into conscious reality, it faded until there was little left but ringing in your ears. You frantically scratched at the skin on your palms, sore and itchy from dry sweat. Shaky breath returning slowly to a normal rhythm, you gingerly rolled onto your front and buried your face in the crook of your elbow. 

It had been a while since your last night terror, and they had returned with a vengeance. The tremors subsided, leaving you with nothing but a sense of dread in your chest. Today was the day you returned to the Supremacy. You’d been told of your summons yesterday, and for the first time in your life, instead of a sense of urgency you were filled with nothing but nausea. 

It had been tormenting you for eight days, but you knew that you had to tell Snoke about Ren’s conflict. It was the right thing to do. You’d even gone so far as to make a small pro and con list in your mind, but eventually, you realised there was no point. You were bound by the bond between student and master. If he didn’t know already, you had a duty to fulfil. As much as you cared for Ren and your time spent with him, your first priority was your Master. 

Wait, did you really just think you cared for Ren? You shook your head, clearing sentiment from your mind. There was no time to linger on it now. He was waiting. 

General Hux was awake on the bridge, and gave you a nod as you approached him. You came to a gentle stop next to him, observing the star system in view as your hands clasped behind your back. 

“Commander.”

“General.”

“You’re leaving today, correct?”

“Yes, Sir.”

Hux flinched minutely at your choice of words. You pretended not to notice. 

“Can we expect you back within the same rotation?”

“I assume so, General. Master Snoke is not one for long visits.”

We? You lingered on his word choice. Ren wasn’t here, off on another mission with his knights you were sure. He’d trained with you yesterday, but seemed absent and quieter than normal. Hux smiled with one corner of his mouth, looking away from you and back out onto the view before him.

“Of course.”

You eyed him up. He looked well, and through your force connection you could sense his impatience for your return, even though you hadn’t yet left. Smiling to yourself, you allowed a moment of peace to settle. You wished he was here too. For some reason, you felt like you wouldn’t see either of them for a while. Your gut was rarely mistaken, and you swallowed, taking in the last few moments of tranquility.

A few minutes passed before Hux spoke again. 

“Commander Ren has been…I believe I have you to thank for his improved attitude recently.”

Whatever words you had expected out of Hux’s mouth, it certainly wasn’t those. Wasn’t it only a few weeks ago Ren had been throwing the General around by the throat?

“…I don’t think I understand, General.”

He brought a hand to his face and absently stroked one of his sideburns with a long, gloved finger. 

“He is difficult at the best of times, but not completely unreasonable.” He turned to face you. “I believe your influence stretches beyond the educational, Commander.”

A loud distant explosion caught your ear before you could respond to the General. A passing stormtrooper shuttle rattled past the window, smoke trailing from it’s rear. One of the engines was on fire, and the craft slowly retreated into an emergency landing. The general let out a sound halfway between a groan and a sigh, rubbing his face with gloved hands. You patted him once on the shoulder in pity before turning to leave. 

You hoped your own transport ship was more reliable. 

_______________________________________________________________________________

Being back on the Supremacy was like a dream. The lavishly large hallways made the Finalizer look like a back alley pile of junk. The lights flashed as the turbo lift descended, bright beams surging into your eyes, causing your pupils to contract every few seconds. This turbo lift, where you’d shared so many tense moments with Ren. You smiled minutely. You’d both stood inside sweating and panting after training. You’d threatened him, and he you. Could it only have been a few months ago you’d met for the first time, in the very hall you now approached in apprehension? You tried to focus, banishing thoughts of Commander Ren from your mind.

In, two, three.

Out, two, three. 

Consciously you eased the rhythm of your breathing. If you didn’t calm down, Snoke would sense something was wrong before you’d even left the elevator. You’d never felt such apprehension at seeing him before. Now that you were here…well, you’d rather be anywhere else. Bile rose in your throat, acidic and burning. You fought it down, fighting with the churning in your gut to stay still.  
The beginnings of a headache began to throb at your temple. 

The doors opened to a quiet red room. Inhaling deeply, you cast off the frightened shell, and wore the look of confidence you’d perfected over the years. Striding forwards, you came to a stop before his throne, body dialled to a thousand percent, hyper aware of the room around you. Glancing to the side, you noticed the praetorian guards were missing. Instantly, your gut twisted. That was incredibly strange. Snoke was always overly cautious, and for him to not have protection, especially in these times of war?

“Ah, there she is.”

His voice snapped you back into your body, heart racing. You dropped to one knee, bowing your head low before him. 

“Master.”

You lifted your head and took him in, all his glory. He looked even larger than normal, frail hands folded over his arm rests. His bulbous head leaned back against the backrest of his magnificent throne, eyes focused solely on you. Swallowing the unease in your throat, you stood, head inclined low in a show of respect. He leaned forwards and took you in. 

“I believe before we begin our discussion, you tell me why you’re trembling like a run-out horse.”

Your mouth opened at the same time as your helmet was wrenched painfully from your head, ripping painfully against your ears. It flew wildly into the air and did a full circle of the throne before coming to rest on the floor next to Snoke’s feet. You could only watch as he placed a foot delicately on top of it, an obvious threat. Flinching at the contact, you spoke clearly and confidently.

“I have to report-”

The words caught in your throat, to which you began to choke on them. Strangled sounds pushed their way up through your throat, but no cohesive words formed. This wasn’t a force choke, but your own throat closing around the words. Frustration burned. Why couldn’t you say it?

Snoke chuckled dryly and without humour. 

“Yes?”

He leaned back in his throne, stroking his chin with a single finger. You could see his toes inside his crushed velvet shoes, curling around the shape of your helmet underneath them. Your belly did little somersaults as you watched him play with your safety net. His voice took on a mocking tone as he spoke.

“What is it?”

“Please, Master.”

“…Yes?”

A dull thud echoed in your exposed ears as your knees hit the floor. Your brain fuzzed over with cloudy panic, eyes focused on nothing but his foot resting precariously on your helmet. Just say the fucking words: Kylo Ren is being pulled to the light. He needs to be punished for treason. 

“…Please.”

You didn’t even know what you were begging for. Forgiveness, perhaps?

But why? 

Snoke sunk in his chair, and you finally exhaled as he removed his foot from your critically dented helmet. You sank back onto your heels, kneeling with your head fallen backwards into your neck. Exposed weakness before him, you tried to grasp the last strands of sanity tying you to reality. 

“Ah…so it’s true. Just as I feared.” 

His fingers began to drum a rhythm on the armrest, a persistent drum beat that echoed around the hall. Had he heard your thoughts? Or did he already know?

“Ren’s influence on you has begun to overpower my own. I knew letting you go was a mistake.” He gazed down at you with an over exaggerated sadness plastered on his face. “You’ve forgotten where your loyalty lies.”

He stood, taking the pitiful walk down to your level. You dare not look up at him. A velvet slipper came into view, barely worn in from lack of wear. 

“You haven’t forgotten why you are still alive, have you?”

You shook your head in the negative. As you blinked, something green flashed in front your face and made sharp contact with your stomach. You curled over around your abdomen, groaning in pain from the kick. Snoke’s harsh words spat in your ear from above. 

“You are here so I can tighten Ren’s leash.” 

Snoke sneered as he spoke, watching you in a daze on the floor below him. His sudden fury was replaced in a matter of seconds with indifference as he made his way back up the stairs to his throne. His brutal mood swings never ceased to surprise you. Holding one arm protectively over your stomach, you managed to push yourself back up into a seated position on the floor, ribs complaining the entire time. You sat in silence, waiting for his judgement. Why did your visits always end in pain? A finger absently stroked his chin as he contemplated you beneath him.

“Ren is tied to you in a way you can’t possibly understand, Child.” He nodded. “I own you. My influence over Ren is improved so long as I keep you in check too.” The threat in his voice grew, heavy with promise of violence. “Tell me. Lie to me. Tell me you didn’t notice the conflict growing in Ren’s heart.”

He knew. Of course he knew. 

Your eyes closed in silent admission.. You almost felt a sense of relief when you felt your body rise from the floor. Snoke’s fingers danced lightly on the armrest as he commanded your body into the air. You’d held back the information far too long. 

“…Of course you did.”

You went limp, surrendering to his will. There was no point in fighting. You were tired of it. Every word he said was truth, as it always had been. Your chest ached with shame and betrayal. Of Snoke. Of Ren. You hadn’t even been able to speak the words, frightened of the consequences for Ren should you betray him too. Up here, suspended in mid air at the mercy of your Master, things were almost back to normal. 

If you’d never been brought back. 

If you’d never met him. 

If you’d never heard the name Kylo Ren. 

As you thought his name, his face flashed into your mind. The deep brown, pained expression in his eyes from the last time you’d seen him. You’d trained. He’d been quiet. He knew he wouldn’t see you again. He’d put his trust in you and he knew you’d betray him.

“Yes, Child. I feel his weakness, as I feel yours.”

_______________________________________________________________________________

The world was cold around you. 

Nothing existed outside of the pain in your chest. 

How many days had it been since you came back to the Supremacy? 

You didn’t know. 

You didn’t care much either. 

The darkness was absolute, both outside your eyes and within. You blinked, testing the theory. The void encased your vision, no light relief touching the expanse of your pupils. Hunger and thirst had been little comfort, only providing a few hours of reality before sustenance was forced into your body. Once the bodily cry for nourishment had been sated, it only sent you further within your shell. You held a hand in front of your face, bringing it slowly closer, hoping for any vision at all. You jumped minutely when your finger touched your nose, startled at how close it had been. The scent of sweat, salty and stale, was strong on your hand. 

You’d spent much of the start of your confinement violently hurling the most recent contents from your stomach into what you had assumed to be a corner. The confined space you were in was not large enough to escape from the stench that followed, and the close proximity to the sweet smell of stale sick had only encouraged further vomiting. 

You’d counted the days at first. 

A droid would enter the space twice a day to both nourish you and clean the area you were in. The opening of the tiny droid port flooded the space with bright light, causing you to look away in agony. Once or twice you’d attempted to look around, but the pain it caused your eyes who were accustomed to the darkness was searing, and you feared it might blind you permanently. You’d quickly learned to listen for the approach, and screw your eyes tight shut. 

Physical torture was nothing. You would happily take broken bones a thousand times over. Isolation. Darkness. The body being in a permanent state of flux, shut away from reality. It was enough to drive anyone insane. 

Your grip on reality was getting looser by the day, only staved off by the numbness clinging to your brain. Nothing but your own voice in your head, bouncing off the walls of your cranium in a never ending loop. It was a stereotype you were aware of, but your only solace was wrapping yourself up as small as you could. The foetal position kept you whole, stopped you from literally falling apart from the inside out. It took every last ounce of your mental endurance not to rock back and forth like a lunatic. 

And so, as it did, time passed. 

The droid came again, cleaned the corner where you relieved yourself, then prodded your rib cage to stimulate a response. You lifted your chin slowly and braced yourself. The tube tickled at first, as always, then surged your eyes with pain as it was forced down your nostril and into your throat. You subdued your gag reflex, not wanting to make more mess for the droid to clean up, and accepted the pumping nutrition into your stomach. 

You thought about him. 

You wondered if he noticed your absence. He was so engrossed with his own destiny, his own missions, you doubted he would notice that you’d not returned. Perhaps your Master had told him you had betrayed him and was dead. You licked a dry, split lip and wondered what Ren’s face would be like. Would he be angry that you’d told Snoke of his conflict? Would he miss your training? Those long nights together with nothing but the sweating pulse of conflicting bodies engaged in combat. Did those moments together bring him the same sense of purpose they did you? 

You doubted it very much. 

You spent so much time with him, it had been difficult to notice the moment when you’d realised how close you really were. Hours every day would pass with no words exchanged between you, you’d go days without seeing him. But the bond you had was forged from trust. The exchange of mutual respect and companionship. Maybe it had been forged when he’d sought you out in the forest on Takodana. Maybe it had happened when you’d first met. Or maybe it had just happened naturally on its own. 

However it happened, the reoccurring eyes in your dreams were unmistakably his.

What a gift to treasure. At long last, friendship. You’d spent so long pushing others away, but at last here were people you finally deemed worthy to let in. 

The general would be most displeased that you hadn’t returned. You wondered what your Master would tell him. Would Hux be disappointed in you too? He’d also been engrossed in fulfilling his own destiny. You missed him too. Your chest ached with engrossed depression. 

The two people closest to you…just how much of an impact did you really have in their lives? 

You stood, wiping the sweat from your upper lip with the back of your hand. Your legs were cramped from sitting, and it had been a while since the droid had been in. Reaching as high as you could, you began to stretch your body out. Pulling your arm over your chest, you twisted, feeling the tension strain from your shoulder as you did so. There are too many muscles in the body to count, and as you stretched and exercised you named each one that was being worked. 

At the sartorius, you stopped. 

A presence growing nearer was becoming stifling, like being in a small room filled with boiling steam. Only one being could make you feel this. Without hesitation, you dropped to the floor, sliding backwards on your ass until your back hit the wall. Clammy hands reached around to grip something, anything. You could hear his footsteps, gently. They faltered right at the loudest point and you stopped breathing as white light impaled your vision. 

You screamed in pain, slapping your hands over your eyes to stop the onslaught. This wasn’t the tiny gap of light from the droid port, this was the door panel. The entire mass of nerves behind your eyelids were stripped of the protection of darkness as blinding hot pain seared in your head. Even with your hands covering them, the light blinded you, filtering through the skin covering your eyes and around your fingers. The noise was astonishing, humming electric within the walls, his breathing, footsteps in the distance. All overbearing the heartbeat in your ears which had been your symphony in the dark. 

A low throaty chuckle reached your ears as a whimper slipped past your lips. The shifting of fabric and lessening of the light in your vision told you your Master was in the room with you, blocking some of the light with his enormous figure. Keeping your hands clasped over your eyes, you adjusted yourself so you were in a kneeling position, both knees to the ground, shifting your weight onto your calves. A cold finger slid over the back of your hand, absently tracing the scar lines patterned there. He smelled like rich herbs.

“You always were more sensitive to the light than the isolation. I suppose that’s what I get for training you so well.”

Even though you felt nothing at all, you couldn’t help notice your heart miss a beat at his praise as his finger continued to linger over the backs of your hands. 

“Speak?”

The tiniest whisper escaped your throat, scratching at your unused voice-box through a hoarse throat. 

“Yes, Master.”

The pain was not as intense now, but you still couldn’t look. Thrumming in your ears drowned out the world around you as your blood flower freely into your starved brain. They heard the rustle of fabric, and a shift in the light source in front of you. The smell faded from your nostrils as he stood. 

“Good. We have some catching up to do.”

You keened forwards as he left the room, a sense of loneliness swallowing you again. Dread filled your belly. Was he leaving you in here for longer? You shifted forwards, finding the mental capacity to raise yourself up from kneeling to a half crouch. You reached out…and stopped, faltering hand falling back into your lap. He spoke again, quieter, and not directed to you.

“Let her out.”

_______________________________________________________________________________

The most startling change you noticed was the weight loss in your face. Regular training had kept you in reasonable condition, but the space under your cheekbones was more prominent than before, dark circles encasing your eyes like a character from a horror movie. The purple skin was loose when you pulled at it, you wondered how much sleep you would have to make up to regain normal composure again. 

Sitting on a stool in your old room, you couldn’t help but feel nostalgia. Your first day, Hux walking in on you, meeting Ren and sparring with him. You smiled, cracking another split in your lip as you remembered how much you’d disliked him at the start. The one true successor, your replacement. Your smile faded as you realised just how much of that was true.  
Looking at yourself in the mirror was painful. Your eyes were still not seeing correctly as they adjusted to being used for the first time in weeks. Your vision was fuzzy, everything looked as though you were seeing it through frosted glass. But you could make out shapes and figures now, so were trusted to dress yourself alone. 

In the time you’d spent torturing prisoners, you simply couldn’t understand why the simply act of removing clothing was enough to get inside peoples heads. Clothing protected them of something they were only conditioned to pretend was private by whichever society they had grown up in. You’d grown up with no such teachings. Your Master had never shown you to be shameful of your body, neither had he shown any particular attention to it in the first place. It was simply a vessel to use. 

That’s why you had no problem walking back to your room from the cell with the droid. Clothes and your armour awaited you, and the most solace you had felt in a long time was being able to feel warmth again. The fine hairs that covered your body couldn’t protect against the chill of a dark cell quite like a long sleeved shirt. 

You’d pulled each piece of attire on, bit by bit, revelling in the feel of parts of you being returned. As you fastened the final arm plate to your bicep, you hesitated. 

It was gone. 

Your helmet.

Where was it?

…

Did it really matter at this point? 

Replacing your body back down onto the stool, you clasped your hands together and rested your elbows on your knees, leaning into your hands. Your mind drew a blank. Nothing mattered until you could see him. Surely you should feel something? Anger…sadness…happiness…but nothing came. 

Not much time passed before a praetorian guard fetched you from your room, and marched with you into the elevator. With no belt or weapons, you clasped your hands behind your back in an effort to look presentable for your Master. The white flashes of colour sent blinding spots into your limited vision, and you realised you were descending into the throne room. 

This was confirmed when the white light was replaced with red, a hasty scarlet blur in your face. A familiar deadly aura pulsed in your face, warming the very air current, and you knew he was there. Of the trials you had faced in the dark room, being closed away from the force was by far the hardest. It had been suffocating, disconnected from the world around you. Now, striding towards a being who’s very existence created waves of pure power, it gave you a mild comfort untouched by anything else. 

You braced your arm against the red guard beside you as they roughly led you down the path towards your Master. You held a hand as you drew closer, just about able to make out the outline of his throne towering above you. Having limited vision was in it’s own way rather frightening, your other senses still dulled by your time in isolation. You felt very- 

“…Vulnerable?”

You swallowed thickly as Snoke finished off the sentence in your mind. Heavy footsteps left your side as the guard reassumed it’s position, leaving you stood before your Master in the red bathed room. The light changed minutely in your peripheral vision. 

“Leave us.”

You couldn’t help buttock your head to listen as the guards filed out of the room, eventually fading to nothing in the distance. The dark blur in front of you began to move and you automatically dropped to one knee, apprehensive of what more punishment awaited you. His shape grew closer, your heartbeat stuttering as the powerful being stood before you. You hadn’t spoken since your tragic attempt in the cell, but you felt it was what he was waiting for. 

“…Master”, you croaked. 

“Hm? You have something to say, Child?”

A pregnant pause filled the air as you grasped at the empty rattling of your brain. It hit you like a lightening strike. What he wanted…was so simple.

“Forgive me, Master.”

You dropped your forehead down on your knee, neck straining with the weight as you fought the shakes that kept making their way up your spine. A cold hand gently patted the crown of your head, causing you to tense. The fingers deftly touched your hair, before moving down your cheek and under your chin. A sharp yank upwards instructed you to stand. 

“I didn’t want to do it. You gave me no choice.”

You gazed up at what you could only assume was his face and slowly nodded. 

“I made an error of judgement, Master. It will not happen again.”

“When I felt Ren’s conflicted soul being torn in two, I thought to myself…my faithful apprentice will see to that. But instead…I felt it grow larger by the day, until it reached an undisputedly resentful high. And did I hear anything from you? Did I feel his soul being pushed back into the darkness where it belongs?” He shook his head sadly. “No. The person who is supposed to be with him in my stead, embracing him in darkness, was instead comforting him. Giving him hope and wishful words. What was I supposed to do, as a Master, but simply watch my underlings weaken by every passing moment?”

You shook violently as he spoke, tremors only starting because of the adrenaline running through your veins. When he spoke again it was quiet, and somehow more terrifying.

“Come, sit with me.”

You faltered as his arm reached towards you before gripping onto the sleeve of his robe like a drowning man clings to driftwood. He led you gently up the stairs and resumed his seat on his throne. He had a slightly elevated area at the base of the chair for his feet to rest, to which he proceeded to make space for you. You bit your trembling lip as you planted yourself at his feet, facing away from him, back almost touching on the bottom of his throne. 

“You know why I had to do it , don’t you?”

You paused before nodding.

“Say it.”

“My loyalty lies with only you.”

He nodded.

“You made a mistake. Not telling me about Ren immediately was an avoidable oversight on your part. Your hesitation to confide in me could be…misinterpreted. However, I am willing to forgive you. You’ve been a faithful and loyal apprentice, it would be a shame to throw away all the years I spent on you because of such a small thing. So I figured a few weeks to think and reflect upon your actions would do. You seem to be forgetting my presence.”

You shook your head in the negative, still staring down at the floor with unfocused eyes. 

“Never, Master. I could never forget.”

The longer you sat with him, the more you felt responsible for your actions. You’d been careless. You just wanted things back the way they were. Closing your eyes, you accepted his words with no more hesitation. You chewed on the inside of your cheek as you thought of your next words carefully.

“It is true Ren is conflicted. He feels a pull to the light side I can’t understand.” You continued to pull on the thread. Glancing behind you with what you hoped was a look of sincerity, you pleaded for help. “What must I do, Master? I can’t possibly hope to train Ren for command whilst he feels these doubts. Please help me.”

A firm grip on your shoulder made you freeze, and you felt his warm breath on your neck. Gooseflesh travelled up your nape and over your scalp. 

“Understand this, Child. Kylo Ren is fierce warrior, with strength and aptitude for the dark side. He however, was not raised in the darkness like you. You…”, he ran a finger down your cheek. “…couldn’t possibly understand the feeling of having your very soul torn in two.”

He leaned back in the chair, releasing your face. 

“So don’t try to understand. It’s unnecessary on your part. I meant what I said when I brought you back. Keep your mission in mind. You must do everything within your power to keep him in the darkness.”

There was an opportunity to end the conversation. You latched on with everything you had.

“I understand, Master. Please, put your trust in me. I will never fail you. Ren will stay with us.”

Snoke hummed in his throat his approval, seemingly content with your answer.

“Good. There is something waiting for you back on the Finalizer. I have enjoyed seeing your face again, Child. But it’s too dangerous for you to be walking around like that.”

“…Thank you.”

You were undeserving of such kindness. Yet he was still spoiling you like you were his own kin. You continued your conversation with him for a long while after that, absently answering his questions about your training and life on the Finalizer. You’d been trained to notice small things, inconsistent regularities, but usually associated with a common factor. General Hux was right. Your Master was not acting in a way which was normal for him.

But he hadn’t changed his game tactics at all. 

The only change was you now noticed them. 

The thought made you quiver, and you sat the rest of the time with him in silence, anxiously anticipating his next move. 

_______________________________________________________________________________

The trip back to the Finalizer was quick and went by in a blur. You sat hugging your knees in a solitary compartment at the back of a private transport shuttle, bandages wrapping your face up to your eyes. You’d spent the entire journey staring blankly at the floor, observing tiny details return to your vision. When you’d boarded, it was a big grey blur. Now you could make out screw joints and seams along the flooring compartment that you couldn’t before. 

And of course, you only noticed these because your mind was completely and utterly blank. Snoke had used this method of reconditioning on you once before, though you had only been aware of it months after the fact. A headache throbbed at your temple, but it didn’t hurt very much at all.

You literally could not form a single cohesive thought to run through your head. Reality had slipped through your fingers, nothing around you was real. Nothing mattered. Numbness consumed your body, you could barely even feel the discomfort of your limbs. You had been in shock for the past few hours after the isolation, and finally, the after effects were kicking in. You twisted your wrists and looked at your palms. At least the tremors had stopped.

Your eyes unfocused as you stared at your palms, studying the lines decorating them.

You didn’t blink for a while, and the dry eye started to sting. Blinking and looking around slowly, you absently noticed the landscape had changed. You were on the lower walkways of the Finalizer. How did you get here? You recognised this corridor, as if from a dream. You couldn’t remember leaving the ship or walking down to the turbo lift. 

The dark shape in front of you coughed. 

Glancing up slowly from your hands, your eyes came to rest on a pale figure in black. Your pupils contracted and ached in motion, bringing the face more into focus. Hux stood before you, holding out a large black case. Squinting slightly, you tried to see what expression was on his face, but failed. If you’d had the energy, you would have asked him where he had been. 

The weight was passed into your hands and your fingers automatically gripped around the handle. It fell down to your side. Sounds tried and failed to reach your ears, and you watched with vague interest as Hux’s lips moved, forming shapes. It was muffled, like you were underwater, and you lost what slight interest you had. 

Sorry, General.

Not today.

Brushing past the tall man, he caught your arm as you moved to pass him. His fingers dug painfully into you, but you didn’t care. You barely felt it at all, actually. Looking up at him, you watched him flinch as dark rimmed, lifeless eyes met his own. The pair of you moved, and the next conscious moment, you were stood in a room with a bed and desk. There wasn’t much else you could make out. A loud slam behind you, and the room was yours. 

Numbness enshrouded you once more. Darkness lapped at your vision, and a muffled clunk reached your ears as you dropped the case from your hand. You barely noticed the weight of it leave your fingertips. It didn’t matter. Nothing mattered. For now, you just needed to rest. 

You staggered forwards.

Need to rest.

Sleep.

Where…do you feel safe enough to rest?

You turned a disinterested gaze onto the bed and your body moved without instruction. 

Kylo Ren’s face entered your mind. 

You wanted to see him. 

…but not today.

The numb welcoming arms embraced you, along with a familiar scent, beckoning you into a troubled sleep.


	17. 17. Exposed

“Hey!”

You jerked upright, the voice snapping you back to staring straight into the eyes of General Hux. His soul was on display through his ice blue eyes, studying your face with a pitying glance. He tutted, turning his face away and waltzing back over to the window. Shock gone, you continued your spacing out, staring down at your lap and running a finger absently along the ridges on the helmet which sat there. 

“Did you hear a word I just said?”

You shrugged, the nail of your index finger catching along the triangular cuts through the top of your helmet. His nasal voice made you cringe as he whined like a child. You wanted to put your fist through his face. Hux let out an over exaggerated sigh and continued to pointedly stare out of the window. His room had the finest view of course, and he stood with his back to you admiring it through the floor to ceiling window. 

Kylo Ren had returned to the Finalizer two days ago after what you were sure was another successful mission, yet at your behest General Hux had not yet told him you were back on board. From what Hux had told you, Snoke had kept you on the Supremacy for just over a month. Hux had been sheltering you in his own personal quarters, though you were almost certain the reason for his hospitality was more as a silent middle finger to Ren than over concern for your well-being. 

But there was still the matter of Ren at hand. As far as he was concerned, you’d just disappeared. You stared down at your warped reflection in the helmet. Would he be angry? He probably thought you’d betrayed him, after all. Your knuckles gripped tighter at the orb in your lab. You weren’t sure you could defend yourself if he raised his hands to you right now. Snoke was right, vulnerable was definitely the right word for how fragile you felt. It had been four days, probably the longest you’d ever given yourself to mope over what a pathetic situation you found yourself in. Casting your hands up and skimming them over your face, the bandages covered your mouth, but you prised your thumb between them and began to chew on the nail anxiously.

A low grumbling sound came from underneath you. You frowned. Were you hungry? 

A large, ginger cat leaping onto the bed told you otherwise. You gave her a wary side eye and in return she hissed loudly, baring her fangs at you. Hux leapt back at the noise as if he’d been stung, quickly striding over to the bed and scooping her protectively up in his arms. 

“You must stop tormenting her.”

You smiled slyly and crawled from the bed on the opposite side to where Hux now stood cooing over the little beast. She gave you a snide look, leapt down from Hux’s arms and curled herself up in a ball in the warm patch where you’d been sat. You cocked your head at her.

“She doesn’t like me.”

“She doesn’t like anyone. You’re not special.”

You gently scratched underneath your eye, finger clipping the bandage that stopped just below your socket before finishing your scramble out of the bed and making your way over to the window. Hux had been right to look outside. The violet nebula currently spinning in the distance was hypnotic to watch. Hux cleared his throat, joining you at the window, cat thankfully absent. 

“You’re only delaying the inevitable.”

“I know.”

“…He won’t be angry.”

You cocked your head silently at him. 

“How do you know?”

Hux twisted his neck, brushing his nape against the collar as he sought the right words. You listened carefully, hanging to every syllable.

“Ren is not as untouchable as he would like to think he is.” He turned to face you. “You’ve seen him in battle. That’s the side of him the rest of the galaxy sees, what keeps him in unquestionable authority. Snoke’s influence aside, fear of his power keeps the First Order in check.”

The violet nebula reflected in Hux’s eyes as he spoke, and you listened keenly. He was so different from the authoritative Generals you’d known before. It felt like he truly saw a side to the First Order that only few were knowledgable of. 

“It’s a flawed system. A weakness I am only too tortured by. The fear that makes the First Order great is the exact reason we are loosing to a traitorous group of miscreants.” He cocked his head at you uncharacteristically. “Between fear and loyalty, which do you think inspires the best soldiers?”

His question left your mouth slightly agape as you absorbed his words. You’d never considered fear to be anything other than the ultimate instigator for blind obedience. The more power you have, the greater the threat. For a man of his stature to have lack of trust in that system was difficult to digest. You straightened up, answering his question with one of your own. 

“Tell me, General - have you ever been close to death? In the sense that either you yourself had been in a life-or-death situation, or you’ve been close enough to look a creature in the eyes as it died?”

You turned more to face him, hands clasped comfortably behind your back. His brow furrowed, perhaps recalling a memory or two. You smiled ever so lightly under the covers on your face. 

“I’ve killed more people up close than I’d care to remember. When confronted with death, pain or the promise of suffering, there are only ever two choices. Giving up is definitely the easiest. It takes great courage and strength to rebel against the abyss.”

Hux’s eyes were creased in the corners as he absorbed your words. His eyes flickered across the exposed half of your face, from your eye sockets up to your hairline. You noticed his pupils lingering on the scars there for longer than they should politely have. You didn’t mind. 

“Fear creates strength. Those powerful enough to fight against the threat upon their life deserve to be rewarded. As for the cowards – those who choose the easy way out? Well, I enjoy watching the light leave their eyes.”

Hux swallowed, looking more pale than usual. You sensed nervous energy from him, but it was not an emotion the man would easily act upon. 

“You seem to have given the subject a great deal of thought, Commander.”

“I enjoy watching emotions in play, General. Raised alone I haven’t experience many of them for myself, so the learning opportunities have been limited.”

“I see. It’s reassuring that you have so much faith in the First Order, Commander.”

You inclined your head slightly, implications of a very small bow before turning to face the nebula once more. Suddenly, you caught wind of a beeping sound coming from behind you. Startled, you turned quickly, just as the blaster doors opened. A powerful figure descended into the room beginning to speak, the presence suddenly overwhelming your every sense. 

“Hux, why aren’t you-”

Hux turned quickly, but then froze as still as you were at seeing the knight of Ren in his doorway. You bristled, cursing the force impenetrable walls for masking both your force signature and his. Hux straightened his back and marched forwards towards the door and the intimidating presence looming there. He came to a halt an arms length from Ren, but the dark figure paid him no attention. He glanced at you and you met his gaze with a threatening one of your own. He smirked. 

Time to take your own advice, Commander - fight, or flight?

That bastard. He strode past Ren, calling out over his shoulder as he disappeared round the corner.

“Try not to break anything too expensive.”

________________________________________________________________________________

You stood facing each other in silence for a few long seconds after Hux left. You turned so as better to face him. The tension was palatable in the air. 

Cautiously, you took the frozen moment to look at him. As anxious as you were of his anger, it was actually such a relief to lay your eyes on him again. And your true eyes this time. No hiding behind your mask now. You inhaled deeply. It felt like you hadn’t seen him in years. Tired, dark eyes were framed by deep black locks that fell forwards over his large brow. His sloping nose led down to a weak chin, interrupted by plush lips. His skin looked rough and the scar bisecting his cheek was puckered pink and red. And something inside your chest was twisting painfully.

“Commander.”

His baritone voice was soft, and not at all suited to him. No doubt because he was so angry. Somehow it was more terrifying than being yelled at. You didn’t care what pitch it was, something comforting fell on you when his mouth made shapes around words again.

Frowning, you scrunched your brows. You couldn’t hear him.

Ren took a large step forwards into the room and you quickly glanced around for something to defend yourself with, suddenly hyper-aware of the dangerous situation you were in. He stopped with a jarring motion, as if struck by lightening. His reaction puzzled you, as if he hadn’t been aware of his presence impacting your behaviour. Remembering your position, you found your voice and used it, determined to show him nothing had changed in your absence.

“I can explain the situation, Commander, if you’ll allow me.”

You spoke with a confidence you didn’t feel, yet your voice must have barely reached him. So far from you, across the room, yet you felt the warmth of his aura from way over there. His very presence, even his scent, engulfed you like a flame. You swallowed. This was a reminder of his superiority. The room had shielded you from him, force energy unable to penetrate through the walls. Now exposed, his power lay across you heavy like heat. You doubted you made that much impact when entering a room. 

Ren looked around, taking in the dishevelled bedsheets currently occupied by Millicent and your current state of undress. His face turned sour as he faced you again.

“Hux has been attentive to your needs, I hope.”

The sarcasm in his voice left a bitter taste in your mouth. You furrowed your brow at his question, not understanding.

“Very much so.”

He clenched visibly. Ah, apparently that was the wrong answer. You had a long way to go before understanding basic humour apparently.

“Don’t vex me, Commander.”

Silence fell again. The pauses between speech lingered like the heat on flesh after showering. You began to twitch your leg impatiently. You wished he would just get on with berating you so you could get back to training. There were so many things to do and so little time to do them.

“You want to train with me?”

You bristled. Mind raider. 

“I want to leave this room.”

He cocked his head at you and gave you a look dripping in something dangerous. Humming quietly to himself, he took a step further into the room. You were aware of the fact that your only retreat was blocked by him, and immediately behind you was the floor-to-ceiling window. There were no conceivable weapons in the room apart from your own body, but even that wasn’t much comfort to you at the moment. You were backed completely literally into a corner. A low, deep set type of breathing start at the back of your throat. Every hair follicle on your body raised up and your mouth felt dry.

A cornered animal could be dangerous. 

Ren took another step closer, seemingly ignorant of your metaphorical hackles rising.

“So…you’ve been down here with him. For how long?” Before you could answer he continued, voice growing angrier in tone. “You didn’t think that I might have needed you for missions? For active duty? You thought you’d just lay low down here for a few weeks and drink tea? Don’t tell me you’re still sulking because you would rather be back there with him?” He threw his arm up in the general direction of the Supremacy, casting a long shadow towards the door from the window you stood by.

“I’ve been back four days, Commander.” You replied quietly.

That stoped him in his tracks. You could almost see the cogs turning the wheels behind his eyes.

“Then where did you go after the Supremacy? Did Snoke give you a mission?”

His voice was low, and anger simmered steadily beneath the calm front you put up for him. Firmly, unshakable, you gave him your reply.

“Nowhere. I had told you I was leaving.”

“No, Hux told me. And you told him you’d be back within the same rotation. What the hell were you doing there?!”

“I had no choice!”

“Like hell you did! I’ve been worried to death, thinking you’d wandered into a fucking trash compactor, or fallen off the top of a fucking walker. You might be some secretive trained assassin, but you are still just human. I leave for a few days and come back and it’s like you’ve disappeared. You can’t just tell someone you’ll see them later and turn up a fucking month later with-”

He faltered mid sentence and looked down at you in alarm, spittle coating his chin as you hunched over. Ren looked like you’d sprouted another head, frantically twitching his hands by his sides. You desperately clutched at your chest and the aching pains that had begun to throb there.

“…It hurts.”

“Where?”

Both your hands gripped tighter protectively in front of your chest. 

“Here.”

Ren looked aghast, if you hadn’t been in so much pain, you would have loved to savour the look on his face. 

“Do you need to go to the Medbay?”

You shook your head. The pain was intense, but you made a mental note to get the medi-droid to have a look at your chest when you visited next. This was not normal pain. Perhaps it was psychosomatic from the newest trauma you’d endured. You took deep breaths, closing your eyes and willing the pain away.

It lessened after a few moments to a bare-able ache. Casting a glance up at Ren beneath your eyelashes, he looked almost guilty as he stood watching you. His face hardened and he caught your eyes once more. 

“Come with me.”

_______________________________________________________________________________

“Ah – fuck!”

You couldn’t help the complaint as you gripped your right hand, cradling the bruised knuckles. Ren took a step away from you, deactivating his saber. The fabric on your glove was burned open, seared flesh still sizzling underneath. Ren had dragged one of the vents for his blade across your hand to make you drop your grip, a cheap trick that would be sure to leave a scar. You winced and pulled away from him.

Both of you were in the largest training room the Finalizer had to offer. It would have been your regular place of practise, had you not spent the majority of your time on the Finalizer…well, not on the Finalizer. Initially, the sheer relief you felt to be back somewhere you were halfway familiar with was a godsend, quickly replaced by survivors instinct as Ren had jumped you almost immediately. 

He paced in front of you like a Tiger, eyes low and heated as he stared you down. He flourished his blade, revelling in the humming cracks that pierced the room with the movement. You flexed your fingers, cracking the knuckles as you did so, and jumped away from the blade that came swinging your way again. Coming up from a rolling dive, you barely got your foot under you before you had to launch yourself forwards, coming up to meet Ren’s crimson saber with your own blade. Driving up from below was always difficult, but you pushed forwards, dropping your elbow low into his gut and forcing his centre of gravity lower. Overbalanced, he fell forwards, crashing into the floor as you sidestepped out of harms way. He knelt, panting as you stood behind him, taking a few tentative steps back. It gave you more room to work with, in close quarters Ren had the advantage. 

“Well?”

“Well, what?”

“The pain. Has it stopped?”

You brought your hand up to your chest, covering your heart with a clenched fist. You hadn’t even thought about it since the fight began. Unbelievable.

“Yes. It’s completely gone. How…?”

Ren caught his breath, pushing himself back upright and turning to face you. A thin veil of sweat glistened on his brow, threatening to form currents down his face. 

“Your emotions can manifest themselves as physical ailments if you don’t sharpen your mental strength. Tell me, Commander. How did you feel when I first approached you?”

You took another breath and cast your mind back. Your fists lightly trembled with adrenaline as you fought to keep your nerves under control. 

“I think…I was angry.”

“What else?”

You considered your answer and the man before you. Squeezing your molars together, the answer danced around your mouth. This was Ren. You answered with strong resolve. 

“Fear.”

He nodded, taking a step towards you again. 

“You know what fear does to even the strongest of warriors.” His voice dropped to a whisper. “You saw what it did to me.”

You lowered your head to hear his voice better, feeling like you were being let in on something secret. You didn’t need to be afraid of him, yet in that moment before, it was more than just fear. Nodding your understanding, you backed away from him again. As much as you trusted him, you felt more comfortable at a distance. 

“I understand. I will work harder to be a better solider for the cause.”

Something unreadable flashed across Ren’s eyes. It was gone in an instant, replaced by his usual dark stare. He spoke again, quietly. 

“When you were gone, all the control I worked so hard to maintain seemed to slip through my grasp.” He opened his palm face up, as if watching sand shift through his fingers. You watched him silently. “Like I was back to square one again.” He clenched his fist and made eye contact with you again. “I do not intent to disappoint our Master by resorting back to old habits.”

He was asking you not to leave again, that much was clear. You felt no hesitation nodding, watching the relief briefly cross his features. You didn’t intent to leave him again, under Snoke’s orders or not. 

“I wouldn’t let you, Commander Ren.”

Ren smirked and crossed his right leg over his left, beginning to slowly circle you. Refusing to show him your back, you copied his movements, brandishing your saber in a flurry of movements designed to instil courage in your heart, and fear in his. 

“Back to the task at hand, Commander.”

He lunged – the wrong way? You grunted as he dashed across your vision, his blade coming from the left, your weakened side unable to effectively push him away. He put his body weight behind the movement and you effectively crumpled to the floor, crushing your wrist painfully in the process. Ren brought his leg over your chest and straddled you, blocking out the light source from above. It was one of the manoeuvres you’d pulled on him in some of your first training sessions. He’d flipped it around and turned the tables on you. A smug grin consumed his face as he leaned on your chest with his knee. You grumbled under the uncomfortable pressure, tapping his leg twice in yield. 

“Okay, okay.”

He didn’t budge. 

“Ren.”

You hit his leg harder, gritting your teeth against the strain in your wrist and heavy weight against your chest. He looked to be considering something before eventually getting up from the crouch and turning his back to you. You gasped, continuing to lay but instinctively rubbing your sore chest. Was it because you weren’t wearing your armour, or was he deliberately testing the boundaries to how much pain he could put you under? It would definitely leave a bruise, that was certain. 

“What was that for?”

He had his back to you again, deactivating his saber before taking a long moment to turn around. The bright light from overhead shone through the strands of hair that fell forwards, catching details of browns and greys lost in the deep black mass of colour. You sat upright, rubbing your wrist. That along with the burned knuckles would surely give you some grief over the next few days. 

“We’ve never fought on equal ground before, have we?”

Rotating your wrist, you quickly pried yourself off the ground before considering his statement. 

“Equal how?”

Raising his right hand, he examined the hilt of his saber. You took a moment to do the same. It was heavily modified. You wondered if he’d done the modifications himself.

“You’ve always had armour on.”

That was annoying. You shrugged with one shoulder. 

“It’s lightweight, but still imposing. You think I’ve been holding back? If that was the case Commander Ren, you would not have just knocked me for six.”

He chuckled low in the back of his throat. 

“True. It’s strange, for a moment I forgot who I was sparring with.” His voice became soft again. “Why are you showing your face now, Commander? What changed?”

You became aware of the bandages quickly after gently patting your cheek. Humming gently in thought, you scratched the skin underneath your eye where the bandage almost met your lower lid. 

“I suppose…tit for tat? No, what’s the right saying?” You muttered to yourself, then snapped your fingers. “Eye for an eye? Either way, we’re even now.” 

He hummed before connecting your gaze again, good humour alight in his eyes. 

“Don’t you mean, you’re at a disadvantage now, Commander.”

The threat was low in his voice, but playful. Gauntlet thrown down, you quickly picked it up, eager to call his bluff. 

“Oh?”

“I can read everything in your eyes.”

The ship ceased to move. Everything fell silent. There was just the beating of your heart in your chest and the swell of disbelief in your throat. Ren smirked and continued to call you out, smugness obvious in his voice. He still thought you were playing. 

But there were lines that should not be crossed.

“That’s why you wear the helmet, right? To stop people reading your eyes? Such an avoidable dependency on it simply because of this…I’m almost disappointed.”

Hah. 

That was funny. 

You allowed your head to roll back on your shoulders. Maybe once he knew everything he wanted and satisfied his curiosity, you could get back to training seriously with him. Chewing thoughtfully on your thumbnail between the bandages on your mouth, tentatively you gave it a few more moments of consideration. Maybe this would be enough of a push to finally get the ball moving on your Masters plans.

“It’s true. I often give away my movements with my eyes. Snoke often told me that my eyes were an open window into my mind.”

You dropped your saber to the floor with a loud clatter. Ren looked at it, briefly startled, then brought his eyes instantly back to you, your eyes flashing yellow under the dark shadow your brows made. 

“He pushed me for years. But I couldn’t understand what exactly I was supposed to be hiding.”

Reaching behind your ear, you gently untucked the bandage there. Winding one arm gracefully around and above your head, then the other, the bandage around your face slowly came undone. There was nothing left to hide. Your skin tingled as it slowly revealed more of your face, unused to the exposure.

“When I couldn’t do it, he threatened to remove my eyes completely.” 

The bandage continued to fall, this time, your mouth came unravelled. The cold air hit your teeth and nearly made you hiss. 

“ ‘You’ll just have to sense the world around you in other ways.’, He used to say. ‘You’re no good to me if you are going to expose and risk everything I’ve worked for.’ ”

The end of the bandage was tucked into the bandage winding it’s way around your neck in a serpentine fashion. Giving it a gentle pull, it fell to the floor, discarded and forgotten, but coiled up as if to strike. Your cheeks itched, but you held your hands firm. You’d done it without a moment hesitation, surprising yourself. Fear slipped in again as you waited for his reaction. Kylo Ren took in your uncovered face. You braced yourself with a final statement. 

“I wear my helmet to hide the shame of my failure.”

And to hide my weakness from the world, you thought quietly to yourself. 

Silence fell, broken only by shallow breaths as you stared at Ren, eyes flashing to pick up anything you could see that might give you a clue to what he was thinking. Touching at the force energy around you, it was surprising that his was barely fluctuating at all, but instead fluttered like the beating heart of a child. He showed no sign of a reaction, instead choosing to close the gap between you. As he closed the instance of a few short strides, his smell filled your nostrils and warmed your sinuses. It was incredibly comforting, yet terrifying, to be in his presence. Had it always been like this? 

He pulled his leather gloves off, one by one, by pulling at each finger individually. You chewed the inside of your cheek in anticipation as his pale fingers revealed themselves, then dared to move towards your face. You couldn’t help tensing your shoulders as you realised his intentions. The warmth from his hand fell on your cheek as his fingers lightly traced the puckered skin there. 

Your eyes never left his as you felt the ground melt away beneath your feet. Gravity no longer held you to the ground. Weightless, every tensed muscle in your body relaxed as your brain focused solely on the sensation of Ren’s fingers on your face. They were warm and a little damp from their confinement within his gloves. He touched you with the same reverence someone touches a newborn babe. You closed your eyes, allowing yourself just a moment to accept him, feeling every tingle left behind as his fingers mapped your face. You never thought such calloused hands could leave such light traces, barely felt on your skin. He traced over the long vertical scars that bisected your cheeks from your lower eyelid to your jawline. After tracing those, he tenderly moved his fingers up onto your forehead. 

“Did you…design your helmet around these?”

You hummed your response, barely still attached to reality as you melted into his touch. Every movement he made left tiny warm pinpricks on your sensitive skin, especially over the pale scar lines. You were completely absorbed by the sensation – there had never been anything in your life to compare such gentle touches to. Not even Snoke. 

His fingers deftly slid over the scars that ran from each end of your brow, forming a triangle at your hair line over each eye. It was the same design as what formed the top of your helmet. Your skin buzzed with warmth and nerves as the rest of your senses were dulled down to the bare minimum. You’d never felt more vulnerable, yet if someone tried to attack you now, you knew the man in front of you would protect you. 

Chest surging with that knowledge, for the first time in your life, you allowed yourself to let down your guard for the tiniest moment of time. 

And Kylo Ren fought his way inside. 

With your eyes closed, you were trapped in a dark world, anchored only to your conscious self by the few digits still lightly dancing across your face. A moment passed when his fingers did not move, your face grew warmer, and you were slightly more aware of the scent of orange peel getting stronger in your nose when soft, wet skin touched your lips. Your eyes gently fluttered open, to find Kylo Ren had his mouth pressed flush against your own. 

Gravity hit you with the weight of a thousand tonnes, and the lightweight feeling that had delicately floated you around suddenly rushed into your chest. Your torso surged upwards with your sharp intake of breath, and Ren did the same, both hands pressing firmly against your cheeks to keep your face in his possession. Your hands raised, instinctively, palms hovering just an inch above his chest.

What is this?

A few seconds passed before Ren pulled away, leaving you in a breathless state of confusion. Your lips tingled, so you brought your hand up and gently skimmed the surface of your lower lip with your thumb. Why did he do that? Ren took a step away from you, hands dropping quickly down to his sides. He looked down at you with dark hooded eyes, brow furrowed with an expression that must have mirrored your own. You fought the sudden overwhelming urge to step towards him, choosing instead to speak. 

“What was that?”

Ren looked around, eyes trained on the floor as if searching down there for the correct explanation for you. Crouching, he grabbed the handful of bandage from the floor and passed it to you, shoving it roughly into your hands. You accepted them graciously, still waiting for an explanation. You’d never known anything like that before – was it some kind of force transferral? The way your lips tingled and your chest vibrated reminded you of the elation you felt on your mission with Phasma. You certainly felt good after that, no denying it. 

“Ren-”

“That’s enough for today. You’ll be summoned when you’re needed.”

A dismissal? Your brows furrowed, confused, but you stooped to pick up your saber, tucking it into your belt before making the hesitant walk back to the blaster doors. You stayed by the door a few minutes, successfully concealing your face before you cast a look back at the knight. He remained motionless, dark hair falling over his face so you couldn’t read his expression. The aura around him was testy, like shallow waters that were just a moment away from becoming a ruthless current. Perhaps he was tired from whatever he’d done to you. You hummed in acceptance – you could understand why he would want to be alone. 

Whatever the case may be, your chest felt heavy as you left, tongue darting out to catch the remaining taste of him on your lips as the doors sealed shut behind you.


End file.
